We never even “officially” dated so do I even have the right to feel hurt the same way other people who actually “got cheated on” do?
So I (M22) was in a “situationship” with someone (F22) and we were basically doing all the things a couple does, but without the label, for about 2 months. I fell really hard for this person and this other person liked me back a little but not enough to commit to a relationship. We both communicated this to each other and because, at that time, “something is better than nothing” was my approach, I still decided to continue being with them. However, even after hearing many things like “I always want you in my life” and “you’re so special to me” there came a sudden and unexpected time where they slowly started distancing themselves without any explanation and one day I found out they were talking to another person behind my back and eventually they cut me out of their life entirely without any warning and it hurt really bad.
The thing is though, while this does feel like emotional cheating (since they were talking to someone else while we were kind of seeing each other), it’s technically not “cheating” because we never even dated in the first place. So my question is, do I even have a right to be upset at this person and feel hurt? Or is it my fault for getting too attached to somebody I never even dated in the first place.
I will preface though that I have never felt this way for anybody and the 2 months I had with this person was extremely meaningful to me and that this wasn’t like a FWB situation.
I also want to preface that this person, during our time together, did communicate to me that they didn’t know how they felt about me and they were uncertain about how they felt about me romantically (which made it harder to move on) as opposed to just telling me they didn’t have feelings for me. Moreover, they actually said that if they had the emotional availability to date anyone, then they would undoubtedly choose me, but that they instead needed some time to be alone and single for a while (which I completely wanted to respect). However, after finding out about the new person, I felt so betrayed and lied to and now I’m really insecure about healthy relationships because I’ve also seen so many instances around me of emotional (or physical) cheating.
Tl;dr: I got too attached to someone I didn’t even date but we still did everything a couple did and I’ve never felt this way for somebody nor have I ever had these kinds of new and fun romantic experiences with somebody. However, my question is: is her emotional cheating a justification for my pain? Or did I bring this upon myself and she is innocent.
5 comments
You always have a right to your feelings. You feel what you feel, you can’t logic your way out of emotions. The problem is when you try to make your emotions someone else’s problem, or use them as an excuse for shitty behavior.
There was no “relationship” here for her to “cheat” on.
This is the risk you take with these undefined situations where you act like bf/gf but insist you’re not. Usually one person starts developing feelings. You opted for the “something is better than nothing” route instead of saying “no, I want a relationship.”
I get it feels terrible when someone doesn’t return your feelings and actually develops feelings for someone else. But there is a lesson here that maybe this isn’t the kind of arrangement that’s for you and you shouldn’t settle for “good enough” because most of the time, it’s not.
(English isn’t my first language but i hope this is understandable)
I found myself in a very similar situation last year, and i got really hurt and dissapointed. We flirted a lot, he said some things a future partner would say, and we did things a couple would and i confessed that i wanted to be with him, but he wasnt sure and said he’d rather ”take it slow” and eventually landed that he wanted to be friends. Hundreds of questions in my head, because we did and talked about all these things and he’s come to that conclusion? So i ended up feeling the same way you do. But how could i feel cheated on or ”broken up with” when its just a ”situationship”? But its more complex than that. We can’t minimize a connection even though it has no labels, because even though its not a romantic relationship it is still real. It is still a connection. The feelings are real. You say things to eachother, do things, spend time together and you say you do all the things a couple would so no wonder you caught feelings and got let down when they didnt feel the same way. I really feel for you.
Im doing great now without this person in my life, and have learned a few things. I think that if someone is for you they will not be uncertain about you. We owe it to ourselves to not stay with people who aren’t willing to progress or take chances with you. Someone that is for you will communicate directly and not lead you on if they know you have or might have feelings. To be honest what i feel, is if they do couple-y things with you when they’re unsure about you they’re using you till something better comes along. The intimacy or attention is usually enough to make them stay till you decide you deserve something better, because who doesnt like to be intimate with someone they like or feel attracted to or have themselves validated? It’s selfish, but it happens unfortunately.
Im guessing that the other person they met was right for them. Maybe they ”just knew” and then just went for it. It sucks, but it seems like that is what happened.
I feel bad for you in this situation, it really sucks and will take time to get over. But you will get over it. Nobody deserves to go through that uncertainty. Its terrible to be in this position. You can dm me if you need to rant or talk more.
You can feel however you want. But you also have to look inward and accept that you trampled over your own boundaries and played a major part in the pain you are currently feeling: you wanted a relationship, but continued to accept less because you preferred ‘something over nothing.’ You preferred the fantasy of a relationship over respect of your own desires.
I completely understand how you feel. Undefined “situationships” may seem unimportant due to the lack of labels but your feelings are valid and I’m sure how you felt was very real. It’s a huge heartbreak when you’ve invested so much time towards someone you thought might have shared the same feelings as you but take this as a learning experience and grow from this. I’ve been through a similar situation and spent a long time wondering where I went wrong. Although there were faults on both ends with miscommunication and the other person leading me on, I knew deep down that I wasn’t advocating for my boundaries and I chose to ignore obvious signs of this other person’s lack of interest.
We are all naive at some point or another and we all make mistakes. Now I know that I need to be very open, honest, and clear about what I want when entering intimate relationships with people. I understand how hard it is to know exactly what you want and how to advocate for yourself but trust me when I say that discovering that part of yourself will improve your life and relationships in the future. This person wasn’t meant for you and that’s okay. It hurts a lot, I understand, but you will be okay. You should never settle for someone who makes you feel unappreciated and chaotic. Loving or even liking someone should never feel inconsistent.
That being said, with a lack of conversation about actual boundaries, and feelings between you and this person, I’d say that “seeing other people” felt justified on their end because there was no obligation to be exclusive with you. I assume (and correct me if I’m wrong) that there was no conversation about exclusivity so actions can become morally grey with no real discussion on labels. It sucks and this is why I personally don’t like casually dating people because it can get chaotic and there are too many boundaries up in the air.
I’d suggest not getting into casual dating again if you aren’t prepared for these kinds of miscommunications to happen. Or just be honest with your feelings early on if you do decide to date again. I’m so sorry for this heartbreak though, I know it isn’t easy and I hope you take care of yourself.