I asked her directly about it today and she said it’s because she doesn’t feel I’m attracted to her anymore. I reassured her that she’s the most beautiful woman in the world to me. That she was “even more sexy now than ever,” and when she asked why I said because “you sacrificed your body to give me my children” and told her that even though her body has changed that I’m still just as attracted to her. She acknowledged herself a couple of years ago, after our 3rd child, that her body shape had changed so I thought it was okay for me as well. This didn’t go over well and she burst into tears. I was trying to reassure her but I guess I could have done better. What should I do to fix this? What did I do wrong?
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My guess is by saying she sacrificed her body she took it that her body is destroyed now.
That’s a well meaning answer but its not what you should’ve said. If u ask any random schmo what he’s physically attracted to he’s almost definitely NOT going to answer “a body that looks like it’s sacrificed itself for children” she probably wanted you to be specific about what’s attractive about her to u
Flirt every day.
Kisses in the kitchen.
Go for walks and hold hands.
Touch.
This is obviously hard on her to see her body change. You are a catch. She knows this deep down, but you are married, so her issues become your issues.
Give her some time and space, because she has given you children.
“You sacrificed your body” *yikes*
You need to tell her she’s the most important person in his life and you love her. Hold her and tell her, you’ll never let go. Find a babysitter and go on weekly or bi-weekly dates with her and make her the focal point of the dates. Ask her what she wants to do and do it.
I dont feel I’m attractive
Why! You destroyed your body for my kids. I love your destroyed body…
That’s what you said…good job
Having kids does some weird shit to our bodies and it’s really hard to cope with sometimes. I’m not going to say it’s your fault, but your wife obviously has some sensitivities around her body and what you said sorta made it sound like having kids destroyed her body because “it has changed” even if you think it is for the better.
I know that wasn’t your intention, but you should apologize and maybe take the kids for an afternoon and give her more self care time.
Ooooof. She is aware that her body changed and you described it as looking “sacrificed”.
You are amazing and sexy AND THEN STOP TALKING OP.
Sacrifice was absolutely the wrong word.
What your wife feels right now is the same what i feel. After 3rd child, i dont feel good anymore. And im not even fat ! I gained 8kg since 3rd child but everything in the wrong place. 57kg !
Also, women libido most likely dive drop after 3rd child. We feel tired all the time, and just want to get some good sleep but cant. Not to mention it could be caused by peri menopause.
If my husband said that to me, i wouldn’t want to be in the house anymore !
As a woman who just had a 3rd baby I know exactly why she burst into tears. My husband recently told me that he loved how full my breast were while I was pregnant. Which was fine but then he said “They were still long but full. They looked so beautiful”. I could have slapped the crap out of him right then and there. He meant well but not the best choice of words.
Your wife was looking for you to say something specific that is sexy about her body. For example you could have said something like- “I absolutely love all your womanly curves, they are so sexy to me”. Apologize to her and think of a specific body part that you find attractive. You can also try to buy her something sexy to wear and say something like “I thought your butt/hips/ breast would look amazing in this. Than make sweet sweet love to her. Take your time and admire her body. Hope that helps!
I don’t think you can fix this. She may come around to having sex with you, but the damage is done. So just accept that she’ll be just humoring you with her “destroyed” body.
>“you sacrificed your body to give me my children”
Bro. I get the sentiment, but…that’s not a very nice thing to say.
“I don’t care what your body looks like, I love it because it’s yours, there’s more to attraction than perfectly flat stomachs.” Maybe explain that is what you meant?
When someone asks you why they are sexy, tell them a physical reason that doesn’t imply their body has been destroyed
Damn, bro. RIP
Here’s the phrasing you meant
“Your body is a reminder of everything in my life that brings me joy – my children, my wife, sex, love. Your body is my happiness and that is so incredibly sexy to me”
And then tell her. Constantly. And mean it. And brag about her, in front of her. Tell your children how beautiful their mother is. Even if you feel cheesy.
And point out specifics “I love your hair and how glossy it is” “I love your make up today, the eyeliner is pretty” “that dress makes you look so sexy”
Oh boy. Yeah… bad word choice man.
I’ve had six kids. I’m still slender and have curves but let’s just say the girls and butt have seen better days – and it’s obviously different than it was before generally. I’m confident now but I’ve been in your wife’s shoes and I can understand her reaction. What she needed to hear was that you loved her body in the past and that you love it in the present and that you will love it in the future because it’s her body.
What should you do? I would go to the store and buy a romantic card. Then I would write a draft of a letter to her on notebook paper. Tell her how each piece of her body is sexy and miraculous to you because it’s her body. Tell her that you think about her multiple times a day. Tell her that thinking about her makes you want to rush home just to kiss and hug her. Then let the letter sit 24 hours. Reread it for any potential dumb thing you might have said that could make her feel self conscious. If you’re brave come back here and let people read it to make sure you haven’t messed up again. Then rewrite it in the card and leave it in her pillow. But even after that, you may need marriage counseling to get past this.
Oof. That was a spectacularly bad choice of words, OP.
But what’s done is done. Now your job is to *show* her that’s she’s beautiful to you every chance you get.
Run your hand over the small of her back when she walks by. Lay your hand on her thigh while you watch tv. Kiss her goodbye each day like you mean it. Make proper eye contact with her when you talk to her. If you find her getting dressed (or undressed) make a happy noise like you can’t believe how lucky you are because she’s so beautiful. Tell her you “love that colour on her” when she wears something nice. When you cuddle in bed at night tell her you love how soft her skin is.. there are a million ways to make her feel beautiful.
You’ve got some work to do; making your spouse feel adored doesn’t happen with a conversation. It’s the culmination of every small interaction you have.
How long have you been married?
Sacrifice means to injure, destroy or give up. How in the heck do you think she’s going to receive that?
I imagine that was very hurtful to her.
Oh shit! 💀. This is come sitcom ass shit I’m sorry. “Doug said what to Carrie!?” Omg ☠️
Others have pointed out that your choice of words were poor in this situation.
The more important issue though is helping her feel attractive. You can’t wait for this to be spoken about as an issue. Everyday you need to show her through your actions that you find her attractive. Touch her with affection. If she’s comfortable with it touch her “lustfully”. Complement her, voice your appreciation for the things she does. Cuddle her and be turned on by her. Court her, this is what she isn’t feeling.
In addition to what others are saying, some women don’t really respond to words, especially if they believe how they feel about their body, it just sounds empty to them like you’re saying it because you “have to”. Try acts/gestures of love and romance, compliment often not because you feel like you have to but because you genuinely think she is attractive, I can almost promise you she can tell the different between the two. Date your wife
I see that in your own way you were trying, but really, you shouldn’t have said it that way. That did more harm than good, honestly.
Bottle of wine and go down on her nerd
Tell her you daydream about her ass or any other body part. That is the why.
“This beautiful body gave life to our three kids. I worship every inch of it.”
Try not to ever say a woman sacrificed her body. It makes it sound like they aren’t attractive, which reinforces negative self perception.
Well idk man every woman is different based on the responses here.
I’ll have to say, I leaned on team *you are not a jerk, your wife is emotionally sensitive to this topic. Valid to be sensitive but still, it’s her not you*. I felt solid in that group. During emotionally vulnerable times, my husband could say literally any combination of words to me and I would twist it into some validation of my underlying insecurities. You weren’t gonna win regardless and that’s not your fault. Can’t walk around eggshells apologizing for her interpretation of your words or know exactly what she needed to hear to feel better about herself, ya know?
Then I went and looked at your post history. And it clicked. You went soft. It happens. Especially as we get older and different things disrupt those bodily processes. It happened with my husband somewhat recently under particular conditions and I got…… super freaking insecure about it. I took it personally. I didn’t want to have sex because it made me feel like I was the problem even though we both know what interfered with his…. Bodily process.
Still, after that I needed more reassurance. More romance. I needed to feel attractive and loved for my physical appearance in order to get sexual again. In order to feel sexy again. She’s feeling horrible about herself and now, in that context….. your response to her did nottttt help my man. Did not help.
Next time she asks why say something specific , like “I love your curves, looking at your ass makes me feel like I’m the luckiest man in the world. In other words “I love x, y ,z,”, instead of “I love you in spite of a,b,c”. You meant well but the road to hell is paved with good intentions
>I said because “you sacrificed your body to give me my children”
Oh shit…… Yeah, that’s not gonna be easy to come back from.
So you told her she was fat but you might be able to live with it and she didn’t respond the way you thought she would?
Dumbass.
What you *meant* was that you love her body because it carried and nurtured your babies.
What you *said* was that you put up with her body even though it’s destroyed/irreparably damaged now.
Yikes. I know what you meant but I know what she thought too.
You can’t backpedal. I’ll tell you something. My husband and I have a good sex life if you’re measuring by number of times. But for me I felt a little sad about it and didn’t really know why.
We talked a lot and made some changes and this one was profound. He touched me first. A lot. And not THERE. Everywhere. And took his time. And kissed me. I don’t know if this is normal but for us, sometimes we didn’t even kiss during sex. It would be a quickie in the shower or just…. Anyway.
That drove me wild. That’s it.
Also – you already know. Help around the house give her a break communicate and all that. 🙂
That’s a really shitty thing to say! Don’t comment on her body AT all unless she asks going forward.
Not ashamed to admit that I would also think this is a flattering thing to say to my wife, she’s pregnant with our first now. I will definitely avoid words like this in the future.
I’ve got no advice for you OP but know that you walked so another fellow stranger can run 😅
I personally think what you said is lovely. I like knowing that my husband likes my body better now after kids. But that’s me. Every person is different.
I would talk to her again. You can start by saying you were trying to reassure her and you think you’ve gone the wrong way about it.
Ask her to talk to you and tell you why she feels the way she does. What are you doing (or not doing) that makes her feel unsexy and insecure? Maybe she needs more compliments or physical touch that doesn’t strictly lead to sex. Maybe she needs you to flirt with her again. Maybe it isn’t really anything to do with you at all. There are so many potential reasons.
Ask her to share and listen to what she has to say. Don’t react defensively. Just hear her out. If you’re not sure how to answer right away, tell her that. That you’ve heard her and want to think on it and can you talk about it again when you’ve had some time.
Sometimes the sexiest thing ever to me from my husband is to just feel heard and seen. Why would I want to have sex with someone who invalidates my feelings (whether intentional or not)?
Hope this helps!
Ooof this is a classic guy thinks it’s a compliment but the girl focuses on the negative and doesn’t think of the compliment in the eyes of their partner. Telling her she “sacrificed her body” says to a woman “your body is destroyed” …. It will basically make her feel that you’re doing her a charity by having sex with her because her body has been “sacrificed”. I know your intentions were well placed but the words are all wrong unfortunately. It’s not your fault. Guys definitely think differently than girls. You should have gone with something along the lines of “you blessed me with children and I love you so much. You’re even more sexy now than when we first met”. Basically take all the negative type words out 😊
Damn man. Might want to go live in the garage for now
that was a bad way of phrasing that for sure
>“you sacrificed your body to give me my children”
This was one of the worst things you could have said here. Those are words she’s going to remember for years to come, I guarantee that.
Seriously, ouch.
Don’t just tell her you are attracted to her, SHOW her that you are.
Do all those little things you did when you were dating.
Have lots of small physical contact throughout the day when your are around each other. Kiss her shoulder/neck/forehead, let your hand linger on her shoulder as you walk pass, squeeze her bum, give her a hug.
Buy her flowers/small gifts that show you have thought about her. Send her messages throughout the day to let her know you are thinking of her.
Make her feel loved, the way she was loved when she was younger.
Its really hard as a woman and a mom to separate the identity between woman and mom. Make sure that you and your wife are taking time to enjoy each other as a couple away from the kids so that your wife can hold onto that part of herself- it could be that she is struggling with always being in mom mode. Don’t fall into the routine of always being with the kids and never taking time to be a couple- date nights are important, and they should not include sweatpants or netflix unless they also include a weekend at a hotel while the kids are with grandma!
Oh man you really fucked up. Ouch
Bruhhhh WHATTTT 😂😂😂 there’s no way in hell you remotely thought this was okay to say.
LADIES. WE ARE NOT THIS OBLIVIOUS! This sounds like some 90’s conservative talk radio shit.
You sacrificed your body for me and I love you for it! Wow.
You got this. Imagine the roles reversed. What would you want to hear or need from her to help you ? Do that. Time love and tenderness.
Hank Hill moment