Not sure if this is the correct subreddit to post this on but I need a little bit of advice.
I (28F) work in a huge clinic with thousands of employees. My area happens to have 5 people me included and I’ve only been there for almost a year.
Well since the beginning, I honestly didn’t like working there but I had to suck it up as I do need the money. Without going into too many details, let’s just say I thought I had finally gotten the chance to be myself and I thought the people I saw everyday were not necessarily my friends but at least genuine people I could talk about anything without feeling like I’m the joke of the office.
So this past week, I’m really not the kind of person to read peoples messages when they have their conversations up. But I happen to pass by one of my coworkers area to grab some candy above her storage and I come to realize she was mocking me and entirely making fun of me with another coworker that works right in front of her. Unfortunately, I’m not the confrontational type and because she was poking fun at my biggest insecurity and I had already experienced this at another job, I kinda froze and felt choked up. They don’t know what I have is a medical condition, but at the same time, I feel like one shouldn’t say or explain ourselves for people to have an ounce of empathy.
So I completely shut down because I felt demoralized… I didn’t know what to do so instead of partaking in their little conversations like I always do, I just was doing my work for the rest of the day. They’re the kind of people that instead of asking directly what was wrong they just crack jokes like “oh she’s doing her work now, I’m so surprised” in a sarcastic way to get a reaction out of me. Then they said things like “oh she’s so quiet now” blah blah and I just wouldn’t budge. So now of course, it’s awkward being around them because I don’t know how to act now.
After seeing what this coworker had said and how she talked shit behind my back kind of put things into perspective. It makes me not want to participate or just talk to them. And I’m talking about like we even have a group chat outside of work where we just mostly share memes or TikTok’s we relate to so I thought this whole time at the very least, we were that cool with each other. And to find out this whole time it was just an act is disappointing.
I know we go to work to work and I know people are fake for the sake of getting along with each other. But I’m trying to explain that at least I would hope said coworker would come to me and explain the situation instead of sitting there mocking me and making me feel like crap. I can’t say I’m too surprised because she spends the whole day everyday talking about what other people do or don’t do and classifies them as “stupid” or “retarded” or she would just straight out complain about other people but pretends to be nice to their faces. I don’t know why I would think I would be any different. Especially with the other coworker she’s super close with who’s in her 40s already…
This is all so crazy to me I don’t know how to handle this situation. And it makes it worse that I’m non confrontational so now coming Monday, I’m really not sure what I’m going to do. The 40 year old coworker’s bday is coming up this week and I’m dreading it to no end. We usually all pitch in and now I’m not sure if I even wanna do that, she doesn’t deserve anything from me at this point after I saw her partaking in that stupid petty conversation she had with the other girl. What would you guys do? Should I just pretend I’m ok coming Monday and not say anything? Should I just confront her only? I’m really not sure what to do here, unfortunately I have to see them more than I see my own family and I don’t want to be in an awkward or hostile situation. By the way, all the mocking and shit talking was done thought teams. And I could easily have them fired if I wanted to go to HR but I’m not going to be that person because it would just make things worse. But anyways, any advice will be greatly appreciated!
4 comments
If the messages weren’t on a work platform then you’re going to have a very tough time proving anything. If they were actually stupid enough to use Teams then honestly I’d go to HR, if not they’ll just do it to the next person too. Otherwise the three options left are:
1) Confront them without admitting looking at the screen. Say some unnamed other worker overheard them badmouthing you and you wanted to address it yourself. They’ll probably deny it but it’ll buy you a few months of good behaviour.
2) Ask for a transfer to another area. Say you don’t feel like the fit is right and you’d like to learn a new aspect of the business. Bit of a gamble but it could pay off.
3) Jazz up your CV and start applying elsewhere.
The other message pretty much summed it up, but I’d like to offer some mild advice that could help with your headspace. My favorite saying is “people aren’t agains you, but they are wholly for themselves first” talking shit is her action and it’s bc of the way she was raised and the manners that were imprinted on her. It has nothing to do with who you are and your upbringing so it doesn’t deserve the merit of brining you down. If *whomever you dislike (Trump, Kim Jung IL, the ceo of Pfizer) said something would you let their words have merit about you? They’d be taking out of their ass too.
But it is unprofessional behavior and bc you have a medical it wouldn’t be a bad idea to let HR know that you feel uncomfortable. They should be counseled on proper work etiquette.
Literally get them fired. oh well. :((( This type of shit just isnt cool. Shitty playground attitudes and bullying has no place in the public sphere, most of all at work. They need to be held accountable, and really its high time they learned. This shit keeps escalating. People think it’s funny and an act of bonding to bully another, its ugly af. its infected society and our humanity is rotting away. stand up for yourself. You deserve the respect you’ve put out. You deserve to breathe freely, sweep those fucking eggshells away.
I think you should focus on keeping neutral/positive rapport with everyone inside the office and stop talking about your personal life with them or hanging out with them outside the office. You knew they were catty before. Seeing them treat you the way they treat others shouldn’t be surprising. I also don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. They aren’t nice people, so you don’t need them to like you. At this point it’s just about keeping things cordial in the office.
For Monday, do you usually celebrate birthdays inside the office or outside the office? If you’re pitching in for a cake that you would share with everyone inside the office, then I would still pitch in. Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t pitch in.