Hello, I hope this post fits well here, if it’ doesn’t let me know. Huge backstory but i feel like it’s relevant. TLDR at the end if you want to skip it. Also English is not my native language so I apologize for any weird sentences.
So I F24 have always have trouble socializing I was heavily bullied at school and high school both from guys and girls but mostly from guys they usually called me fat and ugly and were unnecessarily mean even when I wasn’t part of their conversation they called me in to tell me how little importance i had. idk why they did it (I believed them but looking back i have never weighted more than 56 kg but I developed early and have had a curvy body since I was 12) but I suspect that it was because I have always been shy/quiet. I’m that person on a group that never talks unless they get asked something first. Also my parents were never loving and i spend 90% of my childhood alone.
I never had a bf until I turned 20. I also ended up in an abusive relationship that really broke me down. I’m not european but in Germany I have found that I’m the most comfortable being myself. Even when I’m by myself I feel so fulfilled, I have less trouble interacting with strangers, feels no one judges me (or maybe I care less), feels like people are actually interested in me as a person, generally people feel more kind and the assholes I’ve met don’t affect me at all. All in all, I like life there and I have never missed my family when I’m on Germany so I’ve made plans to move there. I’ve been to a whole bunch of other European countries but I don’t feel as comfortable as in germany
I met a german guy a year ago (let’s call him K) who tbh I still miss, he was perfect in every sense but after promising he would wait for me, that we could make it work and being the absolute most sweet guy I have ever met (he also told me the most beautiful things and my first compliments ever) he suddenly back paddled, blocked me and disappeared last September. I was super invested into making it work and even though I understand is his right to end it whenever he likes without having to give a reason, but I still find myself really really hurt by it and frustrated. He was 21 when we met, I was 23. Some people have told me he was young and naive. I on the other hand, have been through some rough stuff so I was forced to mature fast. We talked about it a bit and tbh I was a bit jealous of him for.having such a nice childhood and early life. I know what I want and how I want it and I often go for it without hesitation which I think intimidates some guys. It’s also hard to move on from him since I haven’t had the chance to meet new guys. Some people tell me I will find someone else eventually but because of my situation… I haven’t really dated since him.
Last December I was so heartbroken by it and the holidays made it worst so I hooked up with a german guy (31) and a dutch guy (23) both of them i still hold contact with and I consider them friends. One at the end of the November and the other one on new year’s eve. But because of my abusive relationship and K I can tell I’m more negative overall. It’s like I know or I suspect they would definetly leave at some point, that it’s all due to fail and that they only hook up with me because I’m what was easily available. So I’ve found myself thinking: I’m not pretty enough anyways to worth a try (even though I haven’t been called ugly since I was in high school and I asked both of them if they still found me attractive and they both said yes), I’m a burden, I’m too much trouble and things will fail anyways so why try, I feel because my last two rejections were so so painful, it’s my way of protecting myself. That said I often feel like I’m a bother to them, a burden and they will get tired of me if I show my soft side so I often bite my tongue when I want to express what I truly feel.
That said, i want a relationship, not just sex, it doesn’t fulfill me and I know for sure I don’t want sex if I don’t know the person I’m having sex with. I feel like I have a lot to bring to a relationship and I want to feel that kind of connection again. However, I am currently executing plans to move to Europe so idk what to do, i can’t date in my country and risk leaving a sweetheart behind. Neither I can’t date in Europe because I’m not living there and I’m saving money for the whole deal so I won’t be able to visit until October. I’ve been telling myself to wait but I often feel like waiting is not a way to live life and that i can’t know for sure if i will ever find someone if i don’t try also i depend on an uni acceptance that i don’t know if it will happen (I am applying to a couple master degrees in different unis tho).
TLDR: I want a serious relationship but I also have plans to move to another country. I also I’m a very decisive woman with plans for the future and who knows well what she wants which I feel intimidates guys my age. But at the same time, my future is kind of uncertain.
Any comment or advice is appreciated.