So I’ve been with my BF for two years. We met online, and when we first starting going out he would compliment me all the time and shower me with affection.
Now we’re a little further into the relationship I’ve noticed my BF make little comments about my looks that are less than complimentary. He started out randomly suggesting that I wear my hair a different way, or change my shoes to a pair he preferred. If I’m being honest with myself it annoyed me, but those instances were so far apart and unremarkable that I never did anything about it.
Perhaps six months ago my BF made his first “suggestion” about my hair below the belt. We were laying together after having sex, and he asked me why I’d never shaved in all the time we’d been together. I was confused and asked why, and he burst out laughing and told me to forget it.
Not long after that first mention of my hair, he started raising the topic more frequently, first as a joke and then more seriously. He would continually ask me why I liked it, and if it would really kill me to shave it off. He’d also act sulky whenever I took my clothes off, and upon asking him why he’d say that he was sad I wouldn’t compromise for him and “think about what he wanted”.
To clarify, it wouldn’t matter if I had a forest down there. But I do actually shave a little and keep what I’ve got down there well maintained. The problem my BF had was that I don’t shave *all of it off*.
My BF makes no secret of the fact he watches porn, and I suspect he wants me to look like the women he sees in videos. Besides that he began telling me I’d “feel more feminine” to him if I got rid of it.
Recently he sat me down and made an announcement that he didn’t want to have sex anymore unless I shaved everything off. It’s become a huge deal for him and I’m pretty uncomfortable about it. How could I best confront him regarding all this stuff?
Tldr: My BF is pressuring me to shave my public hair when I don’t want to and I want to confront him
32 comments
I get the feeling this is less about pubes and more about seeing how far you will go at his bequest.
Find a bf who isnt an AH
Dump him
Him having a preference is fine. Him pressuring you is not.
He wants to control you and see how far he can go to make you do and change things about yourself for him. It’s a pretty big Red flag. I’d say to shave off that bf and keep them hairs. Do what you want with your body. It’s your choice.
He has watched too much porn, there’s hair there for a reason! It’s to protect your area and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. If hair, a normal occurrence on a woman makes him not want to have sex then that’s his problem
If he doesn’t want to have sex if you don’t shave, then don’t have sex with him. Break it off and go find someone who appreciates you.
I’ve shaved bald and not shaved for ages. My preference is to shave around the edges and keep everything trimmed. That’s what I’m doing, and that’s all there is to say. When I want to do more, I do more. But that’s either my choice, or a “special request” (still my decision).
This is your body and your level of comfort. If he doesn’t appreciate your body, you are free to find someone who does (and you probably should!!)
am I the only one who thinks that shaving your twatty area is not the norm?
Everyone is shaved in porn, but seriosuly, normal people dont have the $$ to spend on PROPER waxing of the area, and unless this dude wants OP to have big ol’ infected ingrown hairs everywhere he should leave her alone. This is just not what the normal population does.
I have NEVER seen a shaved sack in real life.. ever! in porn: everyone’s sack is shaved.
there is nothing wrong with you!
RED FLAGS!!! BIG RED FLAGS!!
If he is putting pressure on you to “change yourself” then he is not that into you! Also guys that watch a lot of porn have a distorted view of women. (my experience, and from what I have heard from friends)
It is one thing to say to your partner “hey lets TRY something new”
It is another thing if your partner is saying ” I wont do … if you do not do …. first” This is not an acceptable. He is not trying to enhance your relationship he is trying to change you to “fit his image of what he wants you to be… This is so unhealthy for you….
Time to move on it sounds like….
Why are you having sex with this person again? It doesn’t sound like he likes your body very much.
Get rid of this loser, he ‘announced’ his lack of maturity very clearly regardless of his preferences.
Why would you want to continue to be intimate with someone who issued an ultimatum about you going bare when you clearly do not want to? Who is practically pressuring you to do it or else “no sex”.
If it was a hygiene thing, like a smell or something then perhaps it would be different but he’s just simply asking you to go bare for his own aesthetic pleasure.
Again, why would you even want to continue to be with someone like that?
Tell him that you have no interest is shaving yourself bare and causing irritating and itchy genitals just so he can have sex with what looks like childs’ vagina. Or his favorite porn stars’ vagina. The whole ‘feminine’ comment would have me running for the hills. It is perfectly feminine to have hair because that is literally how our bodies work. Adults are supposed to have hair. You know who doesn’t have hair? Children. So to say it’s more feminine to have no hair is like saying it’s perfectly natural to want to have sex with little girls because they have no hair on their vaginas.
I agree with the others’ comments too – kinda seems like he wants to keep pushing you to his idealized version of what a woman is, rather than loving you for who you are.
There’s a difference between your partner saying “Hey babe, I like it better when you’re shaved because XYZ, but it’s up to you.” vs whatever the fuck your boyfriend is doing. Dump him.
Don’t do it. I’ve been in your position and it was far less about the hair than breaking down my boundaries. Nothing was ever enough, and every time I capitulated he’d find something more humiliating to ask of me.
This isn’t about the hair, it’s about control. He is slowly introducing control into the relationship – he is checking if you will be compliant with his demands even if they are unreasonable (they are – you are not a child nor a pron actress), and even if they go against your personal preferences and comfort.
If it works out for him, he will keep on demanding you change other things, and the demands will never stop. This is the nature of a relationship with a controlling man – it’s never “I did this one thing for him, now he’s satisfied and it’s all peachy”. It always continues and escalates.
Just dump him before it gets uglier, which it’s going to.
And if he honestly can’t stand an adult woman having hair down there – to the point of completely taking sex off the table, which is a very intnse reaction – well he has a serious pathology going on and should work on it. If so, also dumping him is the appropriate response, bc having a pathology is one thing, but making that pathology YOUR problem and demanding you do stuff to appease it, is unacceptable.
>How could I best confront him regarding all this stuff?
“You’re now free to date whomever you want, because it’s not going to be me. You dont get to bully me into changing things about myself.”
Oh for heaven’s sake. His behavior is pathetic and childish. The man you’re with should be SO EXCITED to get into your pants, shaved, trimmed, or full bush. If they have such an extreme preference that you can’t or don’t want to meet, they’re not the man for you.
And the other comments about your appearance were him negging you to make you insecure. It’s gross.
This increase in criticism does sound like a technique abusers use once they’ve gotten comfortable with the victim. They slowly start to probe and insult and control their partners. I’m not sure if that’s what is going on in your case. I suggest reading “why does he do that” to recognize the signs of abuse so that you can monitor the progression of his behavior for warning signs.
Or you could move on.
i keep mine trimmed my bf doesn’t care. i refuse to deal with the ingrowns and itching. there are men out there that don’t care, maybe find one. your bf basically told you he cares more about you looking like a pornstar than you being comfortable. don’t shave, he probably isn’t worth it.
I’ve only fully shaved once ever. It was so uncomfortable having absolutely no hair. I felt … for lack of a better word… clammy (hahaha…) And then came the razor burn and ingrown hairs. I don’t see how women are doing this regularly.
>he was sad I wouldn’t compromise for him and “think about what he wanted”.
That is not a compromise. It’s him being manipulative and throwing his toys out the cot to get what he wants. Tell him you are sad because he’s too small and then dump him.
I (M 53) prefer grass on the field, but that’s just me. It’s ok for him to have a preference, but if having that preference means you have to do something difficult or bothersome then it’s a problem. It is your body, after all. If he is forcing you to do something you don’t want to do, then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. Good luck, regardless.
Tell him no.
If he can’t deal with that and is prepared to end the relationship over it, you are 100% better off without him.
Break up! He is trying to control you down to whether you are allowed to have pubic hair. Just run. This will never get better. He will demand until you give in and then move on to the next demand. The best thing you can do is dump him. He is not entitled to control your body.
“I guess we won’t have sex anymore.”
>He’d also act sulky whenever I took my clothes off
Goodness. I honestly thought no sentient man was capable of that particular act in that particular context. Sulking? Really? Kinda blew a few of my fuses there.
You should ask him point-blank why he wants you to shave there.
Having a preference is fine, but forcing you to comply with his wishes is not.
My bf ALSO prefers fully shaved, but does not give a shit either way. He’s fucked me shaved, stubbly, completely bushy, etc, he’s just happy to be there.
Don’t settle for someone like your bf. He’s gross.
How is it more feminine to be hairless down there? Adult females naturally have hair down there!
But female *children* don’t…..
This is why porn addicts make terrible boyfriend material.
OP, if shaving is a hard no for you don’t want a sexless relationship, perhaps it’s time to call it quits.
Your boyfriend has embarked on the journey to Negville.
It starts with little comments about how you’d look so much better if you just did this…teasing remarks about something he previously complimented you on…suggesting that you’re the one taking his “suggestions” the wrong way…accusing you of being too sensitive…until you’re a blubbering, insecure mess whose only value is in his approval and he is the only one who would accept such a wretched, unattractive, anxiety-ridden, insecure moppet like yourself.
Punch the ticket and get off the train.
When I was 21 I was dating a 29 year old and he demanded that I would wash with summer’s eve everyday which caused me so many yeast infections. According to him he was a very clean man but the idiot didn’t even brush his teeth. Ugh never again.
If I ever took my clothes off and a man pouted about it those clothes would go back on so fuckin fast