My partner and I have been together for only 6 months so far. I do really enjoy this relationship and I do feel like he adds value to my life and brightens my days a good 90% of the time. However, at least once or twice a month he randomly messages me and says he thinks I want him to change who he is from the sassy, outspoken man I love and constantly say I love, to the “sexy and nonchalant” stereotype which I have expressed many times I absolutely do not want.
I’m starting to get tired of this conversation. Really tired. This morning he messaged me randomly and said that he thinks I want that because I said he is combative at times, which yes is true in the context of the situation at that time. And we have talked about this multiple times. Sometimes I will be talking about something I don’t like, completely unrelated to him, or maybe he will ask me about something that’s happened in my past and he will make it about himself. And he will analyze that story or complaint and personalize it if he sees any aspect of himself in it.
Examples: 1.) I HATE feet touching me. I don’t know why but I have never liked it, even as a kid. I don’t mind if other people touch my feet but i cannot touch others. This never really came up because who just randomly goes “hey btw I hate feet” unless something prompts it? Well 3 weeks ago we were laying on either side of the couch and his feet touched my side and his toes were wiggling on me after he had been rubbing his feet on the backs of my legs all night so I moved the blanket in between his toes and my side. He got really upset and almost cried saying it’s not fair that I have an ick about him and he felt like I thought he was gross. I told him I was sorry, I don’t think he’s gross, and it’s not him, I have never liked feet and that toe wiggling felt weird and I didn’t like it. He still feels some type of way about that. He felt like it was a personal attack.
2.) Or when he asked me a question about my ex and that relationship and I was expressing that I wasn’t a fan of the lack of personal hygiene so he starts probing with detailed and invasive questions and says “well I don’t do that” and seemingly got offended??? And then continued the conversation about how he takes care of himself.
3.) or occasionally I might say hey, it hurt me when you did or said this and that and he comes back at me with him explaining his thought process, which would be fine, but it’s always with an attitude or anger from being misunderstood and meant to deconstruct my feelings. Not comfort or help me understand, he does apologize after but only after completely tearing my feelings apart with how he saw it and I have ended up apologizing for misunderstanding him because he said I hurt his feelings by not understanding what he meant.
The conversations like this morning always start with him saying he doesn’t want to lose me, then his reasoning why of “I remember you said…” then he takes my words out of the context of what was said originally. I normally always respond with compassion. “Hey I love you as you are. You are amazing. If I wanted something different I wouldn’t be here with you right now.” Statements similar to those. But I feel like I’ve been getting worn down and frustration has been creeping in. But today I saw that text and got actually irritated. I responded as follows:
>I hear you
>I like the sass and the fact that you speak up for yourself. But Sometimes I feel like it’s misaligned and you get defensive and you think everything is an attack on your character when it’s not. That part gets frustrating.
>I don’t see myself leaving over that unless the combative piece gets to a breaking point. But I feel like I’m pretty open with my communication about what I like and don’t like
>i love you and I care about you
>And it makes me sad sometimes you would think I’m attacking you or comparing you to others
He said it sounds like he needs to work on not taking things personal (which I have directly said to him before). He hasn’t said anything else to me since then although I did respond. I know this going to get brought up again tonight, it always does.
Looking for advice on how to handle this situation because I’m at a loss.
TLDR; my partner thinks I want him to change his whole identity because I said he is too combative sometimes
10 comments
What’s so amazing about this guy that you continue to tolerate his behavior?
I was exhausted reading this. I cannot believe you’ve willingly dealt with it for six months.
You’ve explained yourself just fine and for whatever reason he’s determined to make small things into a bigger thing. You can’t reason with the unreasonable, nor can you forcibly change him or rewire his brain. All you can do is decide if you want to stick around for this and have these disagreements consistently until one of you drops dead.
I think this really just sounds like he’s worried that he’s falling too quickly for you and is worried that you’ll find something wrong with him and leave. It sounds like that’s happened to him in the past more than once and he’s not certain that he trusts you enough to not do this to him.
I think this is almost comparable to the same notion of comparing the new partner’s crimes to the old crimes committed by the ex? you know what I mean? he’s going to have to realize that this relationship is completely new and he can’t hold you to the insecurities of his past!
Wow, I’m feeling fatigued just reading about that kind of behaviour.
He is making up things to get upset about. That’s too bad and it does seem like he is getting legitimately upset. That cannot be a very comfortable way to live. But then he is making his nonsense problems YOUR problem and expecting you to make him feel better and reassure him. You aren’t responsible for his feelings.
It seems like he is lacking basic relationship skills, namely he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his emotions and cannot communicate effectively without getting defensive. Do you want to teach him these things? It doesn’t seem like he even recognizes that these are areas that he should be working on, so that is going to be pretty much impossible. This is relationship hard-mode, and it has only been six months. Things should be easy breezey for this first bit.
I don’t blame you at all for the fatigue; hell, I might need a nap after just reading this!
Is he in therapy at all? I’m seeing many little flags about some deeply personal issues that are possibly related to his attachment style and general anxiety, and it worries me that he volleys them at you constantly to the point where you’re exhausted…but *he’s* the one who needs to be comforted and soothed. If he’s willing to seriously work on these issues through therapy, I can see things working out but otherwise…
The pros you listed in your other comment are good, but I agree with the commenter that they’re basic things that every partner needs to do; how much of the “price of being loved” are you willing to pay, if it means slowly chipping away at your peace of mind? Just as a food for thought.
I was here like “wow, I don’t miss being a young adult”. He is THIRTY THREE.
Jesus fucking Christ, he wants constant reassurance over something that has been talked about. He cried because of YOU BLOCKING HIS FEET.
This isn’t compassion fatigue. This is a guy who has no emotional regulation and makes it a problem for everyone.
Do you want to deal with that for another six months? One year? Five years? You are not his therapist.
If it’s already this bad six months in, I can’t imagine how you will survive. He sounds like someone who needs to emotionally drain you.
You’re 6 months into this; it’s not going to get better. You are better than this.
It’s only been 6 months. Move on.
You handle the situation by leaving it. You cannot soothe and fix whatever his issue is. At 6 months, this is literally him on his BEST behavior. This is either manipulation or something he needs serious therapy for.
The problem is not that you’re uncaring or lack compassion, the problem is that you think you can change him and that he is a healthy partner who you should continue dating.
You are dating an incredibly selfish and insecure person. Not likely he’s going to change. You could try and ask him why he is the way that he is but, he’d probably get defensive. It’s only been 6 months. If you decide to end things, better sooner than later. Maybe let him know why you are ending things so that maybe he can change.