Good afternoon,
I’m kind of at a loss here. I’m engaged currently to my fiancé (26M), and my mother has stated that she is not coming to my wedding.
I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian community in the south. My mother and stepfather are Baptist, and I honestly just became really disillusioned with the faith. I moved to college out of state for my Sophomore year and moved in with a girl I went to school with, who is now my best friend/maid of honor.
Her and I started practicing in the Wiccan faith about four years ago. It helped me move out of my comfort zone. While I was a shy, fiery introverted person with crippling social anxiety, I have found myself much more outgoing in the years since. That’s another reason I’m having a Wiccan wedding.
My mother has never supported my faith practices, as she considers them “dark” and “degenerate”. She blames them for me losing my virginity, she blames them for me having a girlfriend at one point, and she blames them for “guiding me away from God”.
I have tried to have educated discussions about it with her. She only hears her side and not much else. When I invited her initially, she said she would think about it. If I were a bigger person, I would have just let it go and let her pout. But there is still a little girl in me that very much wants her mother at her wedding.
I asked my mom one more time if she would come, and I expressed to her that I really wanted her there. She simply stated that “I love you, but it is against the church, and I won’t have any part of it.”
I hate that sometimes my mouth works faster than my brain, and I told her “well it was probably against the church too when you were cheating on dad.”
Listen, when I was in high school, my mom had a pretty lengthy affair with the man that’s now my stepdad. Despite this, I never really held any of that against either of them. I think it was horrible, but I was able to get past it. I definitely didn’t like having a stepbrother, but we made it work.
Speaking of stepbrothers, my older step bro, who is also in the wedding, has gone to his dad and my mom (whom he can’t stand) and pleaded with them to go to my wedding. My stepdad agreed that he would go, but my mom won’t budge.
Be real here, have I lost my mother?
Is there anything I can do to at least maintain a stable relationship? As much as she infuriates me, I do love her, and would like to maintain a relationship with her. However, I want her to also understand that this is my life and I need to be able to live it. What can I do to further aid in illustrating my point?
36 comments
You haven’t lost your mother.
She’s choosing NOT to support her daughter.
If my mom was unwilling to do that, SHE would be losing ME.
As a Mother, there is absolutely nothing better than seeing my children happy. They’re adults and I will support them deeply through all of their choices in life.
There’s no magic spell (no joke intended) to make her come around. If she cares more about her religion than your relationship with her, there’s nothing you can do to change that except make it clear that you’re open to her if she’s willing to be accepting, and wait and hope she comes around.
One thing is, do not allow her to pretend you’re not married once you are. If she invites you to Thanksgiving dinner or something, make it clear your wife will be coming and be respected or you won’t be coming either. Same if you have kids in the future — the requirement for having a regular relationship with her grandkid(s) will be treating their parents with acceptable and respect.
So you’re accusing your mother of putting her religion over you, because you are choosing a religion based wedding over her ?
Sounds like you should just drop all the religious parts and just have a happy medium wedding with no religious leanings that everyone can be comfortable at and have fun ?
I don’t think you need to make the decision right now to cut off or decide to maintain a relationship with your mother in the long term but her not coming to your wedding is the best thing. You’ll have much less stress not dealing with people at your wedding that don’t want to be there. Surround yourself only with people that build you up on your special day and deal with your mother later.
No. you haven’t lost a mother.
She might not go to your wedding because she made a big statement about it.
But she also sounds like a hypocrite.
So she’ll probably back track on her principles in a 1 yrs time at most. Especially if you have kids. She won’t get the grandma experience from the stepson who cant stand her.
You likely wont get an apology, but if you are fine with a rug-sweeping ‘nice’ relationship with your mom. just wait it out.
There’s nothing you can do to make her see her hypocrisy or to deviate from her faith unfortunately. YOU need to decide how important it is in your life to have a mother who puts her religion over her own child.
Congratulations on your engagement and finding your true self! Best wishes!!
Tell her that you are not asking her to compromise her values or attendance at the church, ask her if she is really willing to sacrifice her relationship with her daughter because of other people’s opinions.
This isn’t about her ‘faith’, this is about her standing in the church community. Ask her if she truly cares so little about you that she is willing to lose a daughter over a non-church wedding. And believe her when she answers.
If she had a close work friend who invited her to an Indian wedding, for instance, would she go? If so, how is that different?
So you want to change your mother into someone she is not? Wouldn’t that be the same as forcing you to have the wedding in a Baptist church?
Either you accept your mother or not. You can love her but not accept her way of life. And she can do the same for you. Honestly, this is like forcing a vegan to eat meat.
It sounds like your mother has a history of making really thoughtless and unkind decisions.
Tell the little girl in you that you deserved a better mother and having a bad mother at your wedding won’t make up for that.
I would make it up to that little girl by finding a really loving older women to add in your life. There are lots of lonely older adults that would love someone to share coffee with, join holidays, look for that opportunity to present itself. Someone better deserves you.
What did your mother say when you made the “you were cheating“ comment?
Hi, I’m a pagan too so I understand where you must be coming from- this is obviously a really important event in your life and you’d want your mother to participate, and if it were me, I’d see this extreme tolerance of my religion as a serious problem.
You’ve tried to reason with her about this before, and it clearly isn’t working, you may have to accept that she just isn’t coming to your wedding, and whether or not you continue to have a relationship with her depends on whether you can reconcile her intolerance with how you feel about her.
being r/raisedbynarcississts I have a biased view
Have I lost my mother?
Reframed: Did you ever really have one?
Will she make your wedding pleasant or, will she be problemtic?
Accept her choice, stop pushing her, and tell everyone else to stop too. Her decision not to attend based on her beliefs is just as valid as yours to conduct a ceremony based on yours.
You haven’t necessarily lost her. You can respect each other’s beliefs and just not talk about it.
Your mother can only accept things she can control.
She is willing to commit her own sins of adultery. Hopefully that would make her see that everyone has sins, imperfections, failures; that we are all flawed humans who can strive to be better. That our paths are sometimes rocky and uneven. That we are all deserving of love and kindness.
But nope.
She is choosing to fail you as a parent. Not to accept you as you are ( as long as you aren’t hurting other people). It’s hard sometimes, to realize our parents are people. And people have flaws. Her prejudices and a mistranslation are more important to her than her child.
Surround yourself and your spouse with love and acceptance on your wedding day. Congrats !
Your mother is a religious conservative Baptist. I don’t know why you find it shocking she doesn’t want to attend a Wiccan wedding. Also, many of those types are very hypocritical, like your mother having an affair, getting divorced (I’m assuming), and marrying her affair partner.
I don’t think you should do anything. Ignore her. She might like the attention or she is just doing it for who knows what reason. Keep going with your wedding planning and with the wedding.
You both need to grow up if you want a relationship. Neither of you is being particularly understanding of the others religion. Assuming she’s some form of Christian, it is absolutely against her religion to support a Wiccan ceremony. However, she doesn’t need to be dismissing or shaming you. You shouldn’t badger her over this and certainly not throw the past in her face.
I hope I can lighten up your mood here. Tell her that if she doesn’t go to your wedding, she’s going right to hell and you’ve got the inside scoop.
‘I hate that sometimes my mouth works faster than my brain’
I don’t! Preach! Let she who is without sin cast the first stone!
Your mum is being a flying hypocrite and a drama queen. Ignore her and have an awesome wedding without her.
Your mom’s a sanctimonious hypocrite with delusions of piety.
Just cut your losses and good for you for ricocheting her petty judgments right back at her.
My partner and I eloped and it was the best decision we ever made. You don’t want people who don’t value your happiness there on a day like that.
But on a side note, (former Wiccan here) you may want to look into other forms of witchcraft that aren’t literally based on cultural appropriation and that weren’t founded by a guy who sexually assaulted young women. Witchcraft is awesome, Wicca has a lot of issues. I grew up Christian, and realizing how many of the same things I hated about the church are a part of the basis of Wicca really makes me regret how much I leaned into it before doing more research. You seem awesome and not everyone is aware of these issues, so I just wanted to let you know in case you were unaware 💜
As a fellow pagan from a Christian upbringing, unfortunately if her “faith” is more important than her relationship with you, then that’s on her, not you. You can only control you. My family values family over all, so I was very lucky. Some people cling to their beliefs over family, however misguided.
I’m actually glad you stood up to her.
Unfortunately, die-hard Baptist are extremely hypocritical and stubborn. They can justify an affair (because they are happy) but can’t justify going to your wedding (it’s about your happiness) in regards to their religious beliefs .
You’re not going to change her mind. I would also be weary of her future opinions and any children you might have . It won’t end here.
Yeah, you probably have lost her. Mourn the loss, but consider who else has had a maternal role in your life and maybe see if they will step up for you at your wedding, and celebrate that you have other people to mother you. The problem with trying to win her over is that, should you have children then she will just move on to battling for what she perceives as the eternal souls of those children.
A childhood friend was the product of an interfaith marriage, and both sets of grandparents tried to win her over to their faith. She talked about it sometimes, and did not like it at all. When I was older, a neighbor’s daughter converted to Islam when she got married, and the neighbor would tell my mother all about what she was doing to influence her granddaughter towards Christianity. I don’t know exactly how her daughter and son-in-law reacted, but it cannot have been appreciated. I was super-Christian at the time and it even made me uncomfortable to witness.
>my mother has stated that she is not coming to my wedding.
That’s her prerogative. Quit trying to talk her into it, that’s only rewarding her with attention.
>“well it was probably against the church too when you were cheating on dad.”
Perfect.
You can love your mom all you want and accept her for who she is which, as you noted, is a hypocrite as to when she applies those bible teachings and when she doesn’t. Pretty much ‘rules for thee but not for me’.
I think your brain and mouth worked just fine for calling her on her hypocrisy.
So it would seem if you want your mother at your wedding then you don’t get the wedding you want.
I personally would go with the wedding I want that represents me. Your mother can decide if she will accompany her husband to your wedding or not. Her decision and her loss if she doesn’t come.
I’ve been to a Wiccan wedding and they are wonderful. There was definitely a bit of trepidation amongst the guests, particularly when the broom came out, but everyone had a grand time.
About the only thing I could suggest would be telling her that if she comes to your wedding (and causes no trouble) then you will let your children be baptized in her church. She will view this as a good trade off and she will be sacrificing herself for the souls of her grandchildren. And in return, your kids get dunked in water.
Sweetheart, there is nothing more you can do. You have said what you had to say either she will come around or she won’t. Good luck, dear. I hope your wedding is amazing ❤️
Unfortunately, relationships are two-way streets, which means that for the relationship to be maintained, all parties have to be willing to put in the work. Your mom has not shown any willingness or openness to understand or accept you for you. I’m really sorry. She is the only one who can make that decision.
Mom is the one unaccepting of you. Follow your life, mom may not be apart of it and it is fine to move on.
You haven’t lost her, she still loves you but she if she feels the wedding goes against her religon than I would just leave it be. You will do whats right for you and she will do what’s right for her.
Do you really think having her at the wedding will be a good experience? Do you think she will switch off her judgment and hypocrisy or do you think it will just bring the same issues you’re having now and dampen your special day?
The best way to illustrate the point is to live it. You made a decision and if she doesn’t respect it she doesn’t come. It is actually HER loss.
Does this mean the relationship is lost forever? Not necessarily. Life is long and people change. Especially if a door is left open and not slammed shut. It is true though that your relationship will never be the same – but that’s okay, since the current relationship where youre trying to get her approval as a child does is outdated,
I would honestly – if I were in your shoes – get a cardboard cutout of my mom and bring her to my wedding. I don’t care if it looks ridiculous. It would be my best effort of bringing my mom there. If she doesn’t want to be there, fine. But as my mother she’s required to be there. Marriage is a huge milestone.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this – it doesn’t sound easy at all.
Have you spoken to a therapist about this? You have so much on your plate, and a therapist could help a ton.
You have the right to either choose to continue your relationship with your mother, or not. Should you wish to continue it, you need to practice HARD boundaries. When she brings up religion, don’t engage. “I don’t want to discuss this, let’s talk about something else.” Do not budge. She will push. Walk away, physically, to leave the conversation. It will not feel good at first but if she insists on berating and judging you, it’s necessary. You also need to remember that it takes two people to make a relationship work – it is not on you to have a good relationship with your mother. It may not work, and that is not your fault.
Your mother will not listen to you about what your faith means to you. Stop trying to educate, reason, placate. She will only accept her way. It is not healthy for you to engage in it.
She will not be attending your wedding. That must be so hurtful for you, and you are in your right to be hurt and to have your wedding in the way you choose. You cannot convince her otherwise.
And honestly, it was a great remark to remind her that infidelity is against the church too. Will it change anything? Not at all. But she had it coming.
I hope you have a happy wedding and a happier marriage.
> Be real here, have I lost my mother?
maybe? she can protest the wedding at a distance, and then remain there. see if she comes back in time.