Whenever my parent and I argue (I’m a 30F living at home and we share an income), I get scolded for being upset at the negative things told to me.
They tell me they “can’t stand they said anything to me” and “this argument never would’ve happened if we never talked to each other” (when we don’t talk the whole vibe is horrible. You can cut the tension with a knife. So this is basic necessary discussions, like going to a required doctor’s appointment.).
They say things that trigger me like “I’ll never talk to you again” “why was I ever nice to you.”
And (correct me if I’m wrong) to anyone, it hurts and is upsetting to hear someone say that to you, especially someone you live with where there’s little options to leave or move anytime soon.
I stay quiet but my face shows I’m upset—I have a pout or scowl, and that upsets them even more. This means I’m deliberately messing with them and it’s now how dare I “take it out on them.”
How do I hide my emotions when I’m upset? I wear them on my sleeve and I don’t know what else to do.
I get yelled at if, after I get told something that upsets me, I laugh or try to act happy since it’s “condescending” and “disingenuous.”Idk what I’m supposed to do. Thank you.
3 comments
Obligatory link to /r/raisedbynarcissists.
Of course we’re only getting your side of the story, but it sounds to me like you are being perfectly reasonable and your parent is being insufferable and selfish. The things they say to you would upset any normal person, it’s completely normal to display some emotion as a reaction, and you shouldn’t try to hide your emotions just because your parent doesn’t like them. In fact, it would be really unhealthy to bottle them up – eventually the bottle cracks and explodes.
I don’t have much good advice, this is beyond my pay grade as an Internet stranger with very little experience with abusive/narcissistic parents.
~~You’re 30, have you considered moving out and living on your own? Not having to deal with someone making your life miserable would be more than worth the cost of renting a place by yourself. And if they depend on you, well, they should be more grateful and treat you with better respect. Just because they’re family, doesn’t mean you actually owe them anything – especially if it’s costing you your mental health.~~
Edit: reading your post again it seems you _have_ considered moving out, it’s just tough right now. I don’t really have any other advice to give other than to really try and move out or find a way to correct their behavior because how they are behaving sounds unreasonable _at best_, emotionally abusive at worst.
You’re halfway right on your journey; you’re not focusing on changing your parents because that will never work. This is not me being a doom and gloomy person; this is just how reality works. As much as I want everyone to eat pineapple pizza every day, there will be people who don’t eat pineapple pizza every day. As much as I want everyone on reddit to be problem free and self reliant, there will be people who have problems. So while you *could* expect your parents to change, you have to be aware that this is expectation will come with a lot of potential disappointment and frustration.
Now, onto the actual problem; the core issue at hand is right now you’re not the owner of your life. You don’t get to dictate how you live your life given your free will. There are many invisible barriers and undefined rules you confine yourself to. The biggest control you’re relinquishing is control over your emotions. You definitely have the capacity to feel happy; you probably do when things are going your way and good things happen to you. But as soon as a reason to not feel happy pops up, that starts taking over your emotions and it dictates how you feel. So in this sense, the reason to not feel happy is the owner of your emotions.
And the biggest reason to not feel happy is your parents. Your parents own your thought processes and emotional processes like they own a robot, and they keep pressing pressing – and you, because you’re a state machine right now, respond to those button presses. So when your parents say negative things, I understand that it’s a shitty situation – but you have the option of letting it go and being in control of your emotions. Suppose your parents kept on arguing that reddit is actually spelled redhit. And they’re insisting on this and really telling you how stupid and stubborn you are. You’re 1000000% sure you’re right because you’re on this website and you’re familiar enough with it to actually post something on it. So in this case because you know for sure, this wouldn’t impact you that directly.
But the things that REALLY push your buttons have to do with your self image and self identity. Those things, you’re not even sure if you’re right or your parents are right; so when they keep providing negative inputs, you keep arguing with them because you’re not even sure if you’re really better than what they think of you. So to fix the core problem YOU have to be in charge of your emotions by having a strong sense of self identity first.
You’re a grown adult. Your parents gave you life and raised you to your adulthood. Their job as parents is done, and now you have to do your part as an adult. And that starts with knowing yourself. Are you capable? Are you nice to yourself? Are you upset with yourself?
Hey, I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned this to you before, so I’m just going to go for it. This is a very unhealthy family dynamic. It sounds very toxic. I’m sure you’re used to it and it feels normal because you were raised by these people.
Normally parents care about their kids. They’re nice to their kids. They support them. They love them without conditions.
Also just so you know, it’s normal and ok to be upset. There’s nothing wrong with having feelings or showing those feelings.
I hope one day you are in a place where you feel safe to truly be who you are without needing to suppress yourself.