Please help me.
We have been long distance for 3 years and we’d see each other monthly (7hour journey) for the first 2 years and 9 months ago he moved to a whole different continent.
I had anxiety the entire relationship which made it hard for me and each time I’d try and tell him and he’d just reassure me but it was never enough. I tried to leave so many times because I didn’t want to bring so much pain and chaos into his life anymore but this made him more upset as he did not want it. He doesn’t spend much money on me and I constantly stressful and unappreciated and criticises my appearance and he doesn’t touch me or look at me or seem to find me attractive. I’ve been trying to show him that this relationship is pointless but he keeps forcing it and I wonder if it’s because he thinks he’ll never find better or if he settling because he’s already attached and doesn’t wanna deal with being lonely yet. I’ve even degraded myself and acted out of character to make him see that I’m not for him and he has stayed. I feel like he wants something from me at this point.
When i break up with him I am vulnerable and I tend to let him back in.
I no longer see the future I wanted us to have together because it seems something always comes I’m the way I’m tired. It feels so unfair on me and I feel misunderstood because it’s not my fault he had to go back to his country and I said from jump months ago that I can’t deal with long distance and he cussed me out and called me lazy and stupid for leaving him and said it was the wrong thing to do.
I’m tired of putting my faith into this when I feel uncertain and untrustworthy and uncomfortable with this person.
I have begged him to leave me but instead of breaking up with me it feels like he is choosing to slowly ghost me. I can’t trust myself anymore to leave and stay home because I always feel vulnerable and let him get to me.
My chest is tight and I don’t know where to channel my emotions. I feel stuck and constantly reminded that this person isn’t talking to me and is distant from me.
I’m in so much pain I don’t know what to do and how to bear it and I keep trying to self soothe and remind myself. I feel like my heart is gonna beat out of my chest all the time and I can’t get it to stop hurting.
I don’t like the lack of control I have with my emotions and maybe that’s my attachment issues. I keep wondering how I managed to push away someone who caught so hard for me. I am almost afraid of myself at this point.
I hate myself a bit and I really love this person but I don’t know how to make things work in these conditions of little to no phone calls everyday and him being furious and cold with me and calling me names. I get that relationships are hard but i literally live in fear and misery now.
He blames me for everything and I don’t feel beautiful or like a good person and I feel uncertain of him and I feel like I’m paying with my time and energy waiting for this person to get their life together. I hate the way I’m so debilitated and down when he doesn’t call me and if he wasn’t in my life maybe I would be more stable emotionally.
TL;DR
5 comments
You’re already broken up. This isn’t a relationship. You’re describing a guy who abuses you via text for his own amusement. There is no relationship here, it’s in your head.
What would you need to have in place in order to block this guy and change your number? Be specific – what do you need in order to take control here?
The solution is as simple as texting him “I’m breaking up” and then immediately blocking him on everything. All your social media. He’s only in your life to the extent that you are allowing him to be in your life.
With him no longer able to talk to you, it will be easier to let go of your feelings for him. Try as hard as possible not to dwell on him. Get busy with your life and friends and work and hobbies. Give yourself some mental space to forget that he even exists. Put some good memories between you and this break up.
Then, after some space and with the security of knowing you *can* move on and be happy, you can think about him, in small manageable chunks. Come to terms with how he is the *worst* boyfriend ever. Forgive yourself for tolerating his cruelty for too long.
stay away from him. Work on yourself and find a partner that actually likes you.
Value yourself!!
He’s bad news! And you don’t need someone to break up with you to end things. Love yourself first and break up with him!
It sounds like you’re the one holding on though. You clearly know he’s no good for you but you’re holding on to him.
I know exactly what you mean about a person wanting you around but then being cold and distant. Like their personal comfort blanket that they can drag around without giving a s*+t about what that does to you as a person. It’s a real twisting of your mind and heart. You mistake them wanting you there as them wanting you. But you are simply familiar to them, that’s all. And you want to believe that things can, someday, finally be loving and warmer and easy. It didn’t happen in the situation I was in. You should look up Dr Ramani (YouTube). She educates people about narcissism. Lots of what you’ve described here sounds like that. And understanding that topic is something that you gradually absorb, so only watching a couple of videos isn’t enough. It’s more about consistently reminding yourself (watching a video each day for 50 days in a row), almost like coming off of drugs. The simple answer to your question is leave. But what that takes isn’t quite as simple. Dr Ramani will help. I hope the situation gets easier for you soon 🙏