Im curious what men think of this topic. I’ve always wanted a provider man but it seems like its unrealistic and so I just want to hear mens opinions on which one they think is fair and why? It seems even though my ideals make sense the world isnt operating like this and so I wonder what your view is of the reason for this. Thanks for the insight!
23 comments
**Please do not delete your submission.**
Your submission has been flagged for moderator review. Please be patient. If you do not see your post published within 48 hours the moderators have decided to not publish it.
If/when your thread is approved and it runs its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type “!lock” (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won’t be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have been married in a (nominally) 50/50 marriage for 30 years. Yeah me? Wife doesn’t make as much as I do, but it’s close. I’m not sure of the exact numbers but I’ll guess and say her salary is 95% of mine. Household chores are split pretty evenly too, I believe.
Could I be in a provider relationship? Yes, but it wouldn’t be a partnership. In such a relationship I would view my wife as a Bang Maid.
Saying you want a “provider man” makes you sound like a real needy, problematic individual.
My fiancée and I have been together for 7 years. We split all expenses 50/50, minus special occasion stuff. Split mortgage, split utilities, split necessities. We make similar salaries so it works well for us. Our only joint account is for our mortgage and escrow.
Remove gender from the equation and it makes this easier to consume. As far as a family is concerned, kids are way better raised when a parent is around to raise them. Even better when they have grandparents around. Kids who are raised with parents who aren’t there for their kids because they are working all the time have psychological issues later on.
If no kids are concerned, I personally think both need to work unless one of them is extremely well off. In this country a household has adapted to having two incomes coming in to afford a ‘normal household life’.
i love that you want that!!! (assuming your having kids and taking care of them). now adays thats hard to find in a woman and hard to do because were told both parents should work and leave their kids at childcare so they can be raised by someone they don’t even know…
it was the norm 50 years ago. but shit has changed, prices are up, and pay hasn’t changed much. but if you want a family there’s allot of men that would want there principles taught to by they mother of their children instead of some rando at a daycare.
harder to find now but its 100% out there!!! im living proof!
I make more than my wife (married 25 years), but all the income goes into the same account. And all the bills come out of that account. We generally can spend what we want, but if it’s around $300+, we’ll let the other know. We don’t ask for permission. I do the grocery shopping and cook 75% of the time. My wife does more of the house cleaning. I do all the outdoor work (lawn care). My wife does all the laundry (she doesn’t want me messing up her clothes).
I’d like to think we are a 50/50 relationship.
What’s a “provider man”? I’m assuming that’s financial stability? Is that what 5050 means? It’s 50% the man bringing in money and 50% you handle.. spending the money?
Honestly I think most guys over 30 have enough experience to realize that either a.) life is extremely expensive and having a partner who doesn’t want to work or contribute financially is going to be… pretty difficult. Or B.) if they are wealthy enough to be like “hey my partner doesn’t need to do anything except take care of the house and the children” probably is wealthy enough to afford a nanny and a maid….
But I get it. I would LOVE provider wife so I could stay home all day. 😂😂.
Edit: oh sorry. 50/50 means both contribute equally. I miss read the title.
This still exists. Personally don’t support it, but you do you.
Yuck
I don’t know how much truth there is to it, but I’ve heard the theory that with women entering the labor market en masse is one of the reasons wages are lower (increased labor supply).
I’m single but I make enough money to be a provider. Depending on how much my hypothetical future partner makes, it might make more financial sense for her to stay home rather than pay for childcare. Ideally though she’d make comparable income, in which case we’d be very well off and could afford childcare. But I don’t know how to meet lady lawyers/doctors/engineers. 😅
Kind of difficult in modern times because men just don’t earn as much as they did back in the day when traditional gender roles was considered normal and common. Unless the man is a very high earner, the man will be providing for his partner but won’t be providing much more than the bare necessities esp if you factor in kids and saving for retirement.
Personally I would love to be able to make more money and provide for my wife so she can be a house wife. I think we underestimate the amount of work that goes into that. I don’t think being a housewife is all that much easier than going to work everyday. In some ways it’s even more work. That would be the expectation though. Wouldn’t be some situation where I think it’s acceptable for my wife to just stay at home all day doing nothing. Even if I could afford a nanny or something I would expect my wife to contribute to the household some way. Laziness is something we can all be prone to but not something I would encourage in my partner. It’s not even just about fairness, it would be for the mental well being of my wife. We’re happier when we’re productive
My wife and I have a “traditional” marriage. I provide 100% of our income, she takes care of the home and our children.
This works for us because we are both happy with our roles in the relationship. The most important factor is that we both know and meet our responsibilities within those roles.
If you are with someone who wants 50/50 and you don’t, the relationship will not work.
Edited to add: If you are looking for a “provider,” he is most likely working 12 hour shifts in a trade (i.e. welder, electrician, power plant operations). And he is most likely conservative or libertarian. He will be very tired on his work days and you will spend a lot of time alone with the kids. It is more physically and emotionally difficult than you think, while simultaneously being financially easier than you’d expect.
My wife and I both contribute what we can to the budget and it is ONE collective fund. We budget with that monthly amount, including “fun money” for each of us, in equal amounts.
You must be contributing something of value to the relationship. And it’s important to remember that your presence is the minimum expectation in a relationship, not a meaningful contribution.
Marriage is not 50/50. It has to be 100/100 with both of you putting in 100% of what you can. That will look like different things at different times. But you have to give 100%, and be willing to do the hard things you don’t want to do.
I “go to work” and my wife “stays home” in our family, but it just kind of worked out this way it’s not like my wife decided she didn’t want to have a job one day. When we got married we were both broke, and when we started having kids we both valued having someone home with them full time versus daycare and more money… so while we were both not making a lot I was making a lot more than her, and was more established in my career, so it made sense for a lot of reasons for her to stay home and me go to work. I’ve done very well in my career since then and so it has worked out great for us… However worth noting, as part of this decision we both accept that if we needed to downsize because I lost income in order to keep her home with the littles then we would.
I actually wouldn’t call myself, “the provider” – I work for a company and independently to provide income for the family, but she runs the household and is the primary for all of things kids – it’s honestly probably more work than my job most weeks and what she “provides” carries immense value. I contribute to those things as well, but especially when it comes to groceries and school and scheduling things and staying on top of what needs to happen with the kids, she has that as her priority, and keeping income in the house is my priority. We only have 1 bank account and communicate about large spending directly, I have never considered it “my money” (but to be fair she is far more frugal than I am so there is occasionally friction about what a “large purchase” is)
Anyway, I’ll agree with the other commenters that saying you want “a provider” is a weird way to phrase it. It’s a partnership and you do what works best for the shared values of the entity that is the combined, “you”
When you say you want a provider man, how do you see things like chores split?
We do 50/50. Hubby (ghey!) does make more than me, but it’s important to me that I pay my way and contribute 50% of bills etc.
He does pay more for fun things and overpays the mortgage, but to be honest I’d rather he spent more on himself and his hobbies – trying to get him to spend money on himself is like pulling teeth.
If I didn’t contribute 50%, I’d honestly feel like a bit of a leech. He’s my husband – not my ATM. Him working doesn’t excuse me from going out into the world and paying my own way.
As a guy in my early 30s I make an average salary for where I live in the world. Ideally I’d like me and my partner to have a 50/50 split on finances and household chores.
This is a personal preference seeing my parents both work support each other this way whilst I was growing up.
If you find a guy with similar values then there is no wrong or right in my opinion, they definitely still exist.
I have no desire to have kids so to me that sounds like a pretty terrible deal. Being a stay at home mom is fine, but just outright expecting a man to support you is a huge turnoff.
I’ve been willing to provide for my live-in partners 100% assuming they have a good reason for wanting to not work. Only a couple took this offer (20%). Most of my partners liked what they did for a living or wanted to keep busy on their own terms. I asked only that they either volunteer, have a creative pursuit, or raise our family. I’m well off enough that housework could be done by a housekeeper, cooking done by private chef. (I’d rather spend money to free up our time, eat right, than spend it on other extravagances.)
I married the two who took my offer. I found that these partners were also the best fit for me.
I’m a now widower in my late 40s. I find potential partners want to keep their house/life and are defined by their careers/work. They’ve had and raised a family already. It doesn’t feel like I should even offer this anymore.
My ex wife wanted me to be her parent and resented me for it at the same time. I am only interested in partners that are physically, emotionally and financially responsible for themselves.
My wife is a stay at home mom. I am the sole provider. I don’t mind being the provider. If my wife got a job tomorrow making more money than me and better retirement prospects (I have medical and pension) I will quit my job and be stay at home dad and love it. On the flip side, my wife has a very extensive garden, chickens, and a few ducks. She loves taking our oldest out and working the garden and feeding the animals. That is her hobby and to put her to work would take that from her I think. I have 11 years at my job and can retire at 47 collecting 63% salary in a pension or I can retire at 52 and collect 80% salary. It’s not a job I wanted or love but you can see I’m stuck doing it and it has provided me a family and life that I love
Do you just want to be a kept woman? because good fucking luck with that you are looking at like 1% of all men in this country or less. Nobody wants a dependapotamus. You are going to be required to be a SAHW at least, take care of the household, cook, clean, all that stuff. My wife does that and it gets lonely and exhausting. Its actually scary to depend solely on someone else for income. What if he dies? What if he gets injured and can’t work? It also puts a lot of stress on the man. I know a few “provider men” and they all say if they stopped working their wives would leave them. Their whole sense of self worth is tied up in being a provider, which is great until you reach your 50s. Output drops, jobs are harder to find, your body starts to break down.