Women who have vetted your partners that you met online, how did you go about doing it and how did your partner react to it?

7 comments

1. I was on OKCupid and it was easier to vet people on values and beliefs. I didn’t continue conversations with people who were on opposite ends of things like pro choice, lgbtq+ rights, or immigration. I didn’t need to ask them because the questions were already there.

2. I always ask “are you kinky” and what those kinks are to gauge misogyny and porn addiction

3. Look at Judy records and see what charges (including things like minor infractions) they have.

4. My partner and I met on tinder. For one thing, I used my bio as a place to weed people out, it said something along the lines of “I’m training to be a doula so if you don’t like hearing about periods, placentas, breast milk, and women’s liberation don’t swipe right”, and then I put emojis for some of my interests (ski emoji, cross emoji bc I am christian, banjo and guitar, some others I don’t remember).
   Secondly, I aked pretty directly about lots of things, like thoughts on religion, abortion, electoral politics, his goals in life, whether or not he wants kids, etc. I think if anyone responds weirdly to being directly asked those things, it indicates that they are not self aware and don’t know what they want which is a huge red flag/dealbreaker for me.

   Also for myself I made myself a very specific list of qualities I was looking for and dealbreakers and I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t get involved with anyone who didn’t check all of those boxes and being picky really worked out well for me!

5. Some of my previous partners were people I met online. I always make sure there’s a LONNNNNNNNNNNNNNG history of chatting so that I can “remember” all the information.

   I never do a background search before meeting – I see it as a way of identifying if “they will be honest.”

   One of my best ex partners was someone I spoke with for 5 months before he flew to meet me. Proved to be one my best, most honest partners.

   When we meet, I make sure to check if all the info he told me online were things he told me in person. And then I do background check.

   Sounds crazy, I know. I’m in a huge city, so there’s people everywhere. Very little to worry about. Always meet where it’s crowded. I RARELY give true information about me – don’t even mention my actual neighborhood. Sometimes I use fake name and lie it’s my “nickname.” etc.

   I also have some history with some professors. They’ve sent their own friends to date me. I usually can identify right away, sometimes I can’t.

   Always protect yourself. Sometimes when you vet a partner, you don’t even need to make it obvious you’re vetting. Seamlessly tie it into conversation.

6. I just google people. Stuff like a LinkedIn profile, or a Twitter profile that’s been around for over a decade, is hard to fake.

   I also pay a lot of attention to how they react to mild boundary-setting, whether they throw a tantrum if I can’t answer their message for a day or two, etc. as I think these signs of disposition are also hard to fake.

7. I sometimes Google someone prior to the first meet up just to make sure they are who they say they are. It makes me feel a bit safer and more comfortable.

   As far as vetting in conversation, I don’t have an active process. I let conversation flow and find that key topics eventually come up naturally. I find that people are more honest this way when they don’ feel interrogated or put on the spot.

   I tell people I Google them. It’s never been a big deal. I think it’s expected.