Men of reddit who were on the fence about having kids, but had kids anyway. What advice would you give to other men on the fence?

20 comments

  1. Uhh the only thing that changed my mind was finding the right lady. So if you are on the fence with her she may not be the right one.

    Edit: your selection of a mother for your child is the most important decision of your life

  3. I have no kids of my own, but here’s the advice I learned from my gf who wanted zero kids and compromised by having one kid:

    Having one kid is not a compromise when you wanted zero kids.

  4. Obligatory not a man but please hear me out.

    My bf and I are on the fence about kids. We like the idea (cute, a product of your love, someone you can mentor to be their best selves but not so much the actual reality (pregnancy, expenses, life long commitment).

    So we just hang around our nieces, nephews and young cousins. It kills the baby fever in about an hour or less.

    Best part about kids is giving them back.

  6. I didn’t want kids, but my daughter mum did. 3 years ago I had my gorgeous daughter. She is my angel, that is not in question.. but she lives 250 miles away from me with her mother who I’m no longer with and I don’t get to see my daughter much right now until I start my new job with more money coming in. I love her, I think about her 24/7 and she’s all I always talk about but I can’t be there to cuddle her when she’s upset, to kiss her pains better, take her to the park, tuck her in at night.

    My advice? If you’re having kids, make sure it really is with the right person!

  7. If you’re on the fence about WANTING kids, don’t have kids.

    If you definitely want a kid but you’re on the fence about it being the ideal time to have kids or about you being an ideal dad: those are both fantasies. Kids are a paradigm shift, you will ALWAYS be able to talk yourself into one more benchmark you should meet first and nobody is perfect or perfectly prepared to become a parent. It has to be more of a “good enough” type metric or it’ll never happen.

  9. I’m going to go against the grain on this one..

    I absolutely did not want kids. I mean I entertained the notion but deep down I didn’t think I’d ever feel financially secure enough, and my free time really wasn’t something I liked the thought of giving up.

    Long story short, I have one now. And he is the best little thing to ever happen to me. He brings me happiness unlike anything I’ve ever felt. And it’s not that my free time gets taken from me, aside from the odd event here or there that I can’t go to, but when he comes to me and has a new word, or does something better than before, it just fills you with pride, watching this miniature version of you learning to navigate life and finding fun in the smallest of things. He’s a gift to me and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him.

    Take from that what you will. But know that minding a child that isn’t your own just isn’t the same. You’re experiencing the responsibility but not the overwhelming love and pride you would if it was your own flesh and blood. It’s just different.

    But anyway, I hope whatever decision you make turns out for the best. Good luck!

  10. Wait until you’re ready. In my case that meant finding the right woman, as well as finding the required maturity. I became a father at age 40, and it has been great, I would not change a thing.

  11. I was not absolutely sure if i wanted to have kids. My go to answer would be “maybe later”.
    My wife wanted a kid better today than tomorrow.
    We had very could circumstances (Job, House, etc.) and i agreed after some discussions.
    Boom! Pregnant in the first try.

    My life changed completely. I lost A SHIT TON of money in the first years. Including lost earnings we lost nearly 50k USD in the first 1.5 years on this child.
    He keeps us up all night every night. He makes sure we can never rest during the day. He has so much wants and needs that everything else has to come after him. In the last years i traveld to america, africa, asia and europe. Now i travel to the fucking kiddy fun land. I had to give up some hobbys.
    I have to get up earlier and i go to bed later. There is always so much to do when you have a child. I cant talk free with my wife when the kid is around because he picks up everything. I cant watch TV. I cant…i cant do a lot of what i was used to do.

    BUT i love him more than anything else and he is the best thing ever.
    10/10 would recommend. Maybe get a seond one while you are at it.

  12. I was on the fence about having a second kid after having my first one. Wife definitely wanted a second one. We ended up having an accident and in the end I’m glad we did. I like having two kids, and it’s not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.

  13. Kids are great and add a lot to your life. Very few parents regret having children.

    Listen to the people who have had them. Would you take car advice from someone who has never driven?

    Have the children. They’re good for the economy and give you a larger purpose in life.

  14. I’m CF but lemme tell you there is no such thing as “on the fence”. You’re just refusing to be honest with yourself that you want kids.

  15. If you are on the fence…dont do it. You are either not ready… or not with the right person. You need to be into this 1000% before you bring someone into the world.
    Its a lifelong commitment.

    Its OK to be be scared or nervous.. But “on the fence” is different. Don’t do it to appease someone else or feel like you have to “fit in”.

  16. Don’t think of it as “having a kid”. Think of it as building a family. That’s forever. Be absolutely certain that you are with the right partner and are committed for life. Be absolutely certain that you both want a family-oriented life and you both agree on what that means. Be committed to your family for the rest of your life. If you don’t want that, don’t have a child.

  17. I regret nothing, even in the hard times when they’re being bad or difficult. I love them so much it’s unreal.

    If you think a dog can bring you the same love you have for your child. Well…you’re wrong. Having your own kid(s). Is the best feeling ever.

    But with all great things come great sacrifices(time,money,sleep,sanity. Etc). I will gladly sacrifice it all for my kids. That’s how strong the love is for your own child. From the first time you hold them, you immediately (for most normal people) get a switch flipped in your head and go into dad bear mode.

  19. I was freaked when my wife told she was pregnant, I asked her, “What were you thinking?” YUP. And I did this for both kids, I might have been a total asshole?

    Turns out my kids are awesome, and are now great adults. Not always easy, but way better than not having kids.

  20. I could’ve went either way to be perfectly honest. But the whole “Biological Clock” thing seems to be true and eventually my wife moved more and more towards wanting a baby. Since I was on the fence we had a baby and things have been great. We have a boy who just turned 11 and while he’s a bigger smartass than I’d like at that age he’s basically a good kid who teachers and his friends parents always comment on him being a good influence on other kids because he’s pretty kind.

    If you’re really on the fence then the only advice I can give is to play it by ear. Once your partner decides they want a kid then you’re decision is made and you need to be supportive. But remember saying you’re on the fence and being on the fence aren’t always the same thing. If you truly don’t want kids you need to let your partner know as soon as possible.

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