I (30F) started seeing this new guy (32M) a couple months ago, and he is basically the perfect guy. He’s kind, gentlemanly, always makes me a priority, would do anything for me, isn’t afraid to tell me how much he likes me, wants to spend time with me, etc. The only problem is, the sex is not super thrilling. It is not bad, but I really don’t find myself wanting him in that way a lot. He is attractive to me, but I don’t often get the urge to have crazy, frantic, I-need-you-now sex. When we do have sex, it feels a little blah.
To further complicate things, this has caused me to think a lot about my ex (38M). We broke up about a year ago, but our sexual chemistry was SO good. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other, had sex in all manner of inopportune places and times, and it was always hot. We would have sex 5+ times a day if we got the opportunity. The actual relationship was not the best, and he definitely didn’t treat me as well as my new partner does, but he was physically irresistible to me.
I am basically just seeking some advice to see if I am expecting too much sexual passion from a committed, romantic relationship. I feel like I have unrealistic expectations from a relationship that was only about sex, and that there may be more balance in this relationship that I’m not accustomed to. I don’t want to give up such an amazing guy, but I’m also worried that I am devaluing the sexual part of our relationship.
Tl;dr My new relationship is lacking the intense sexual chemistry that my last one had, and I’m unsure if I should appreciate it for the good things it has, or move on to find someone that I’m more sexually attracted to.
5 comments
Oh good I know that feeling so Well
I see the difference in the perspectives between you and him.. or may be you are trying to compare your past with the present
How bad was the breakup with your ex? Was it particularly toxic, stressful etc? I ask because I suspect the answer to this is “very” and that will explain your current situation.
You say that your ex and you did not have a very healthy relationship, and you START off describing you current bf not by saying you are attracted to him, but what he DOES for you – he’s kind, gentlemanly, makes you a priority etc. THEN you say you’re attracted to him as a secondary thing. If I had to guess, I’d say that you and your ex were explosively attracted to each other, but the toxic nature of your relationship has made you look for the absolute opposite in a partner now because…well, that’s kind of the point; to NOT repeat what happened with your ex.
BUT…in doing so, people often look at things as black-and-white – he was WHOLLY bad, so I need 100% the opposite. When that’s NOT the case. Toxic as your ex may have been, there WERE things you were attracted to and you need to be able to look at the nuance of this, because what I’d say you’ve done is exactly that – too black-and-white thinking so you’ve looked for the exact opposite of your ex even in terms of the sexual attraction. What you have at the moment is a loving friend as opposed to a friendly lover.
You are doing both of you a disservice here – you deserve better than to be tolerating “blah” sex, and if he’s such a wonderful boyfriend, he deserves a woman who not only appreciates how gentlemanly he is, but who ALSO wants to tear his clothes off. By staying with him, you are depriving BOTH of you of true satisfaction.
You’ve seen both extremes now – high sexual chemistry, but an unhealthy relationship; and a very healthy relationship, but low sexual chemistry. Now you need to look for the balance of the two that works for you.
Some people will advocate for talking to him about this and seeing if you can “bring out” the qualities you found attractive in your ex, but I would disagree – you would, in effect, be trying to CHANGE him; this isn’t like saying “I prefer when you touch HERE instead of THERE”, this is something fundamental about him that just isn’t working for you. For what it’s worth, I commend you TRYING to push your boundaries a bit and date someone outside your usual “type”, because it CAN work sometimes, but it seems that you DO need enough of that attraction factor in order to be able to be truly satisfied. As hard as it may be to accept, this may not be the relationship for you. There will be women out there who will love his uncomplicated, relatively vanilla style, and there will be men out there who will make you feel just as appreciated as he does, but who will also be able to excite you in bed.
It could be a case of “attractive” != “sexy”.
It could be he doesn’t have a super strong libido, and that lacking doesn’t “drive” you, so you aren’t satisfied.
It could be you’re attracted to “bad guys”, including all the attendant baggage/abuse they bring.
It could be that the previous toxicity created hotness, where makeup sex was explosive, due to emotional heightening.
We don’t know, but if you feel like this can’t improve with the current guy, better to not waste both of your time.
Sex being important to you in a relationship does not mean it’s all about sex. It means it’s something that you need for it to be completely fulfilling. So, no, it’s not an unrealistic expectation at all.
I actually have better sex when I have a deep emotional connection with a woman but I still need that physical attraction. I’ve been in a dead bedroom situation and the other compelling attractions start tapering off.
Don’t overlook something that you need just because a person objectively checks a bunch of other boxes.