So, where do I start, i try to make a quick summary of our relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months, he moved in into an apartment i live in 4 months ago. We had issues ever since he decided to quit college 2 months into our relationship and he also wanted to break up with me then, but i told him not to, since i will be here for him, in his time of need. Fast foward, I am an anxious person with low self-esteem so i do seek a bit of validation but this this is kinda like asking for crumbs. Most of our relationship I ask him to initiate sex, which he never does (says that he is tired), I ask him to hug me when I’m crying or distressed (he says he is not like that), i ask him to take me out on dates even tho we live together (i still want to go out with him..) he says he doesn’t want to and one made a joke “if i was living with my friend i wouldn’t want to go out with him”. So this is the context for what happend last night, i told him to swear that he will stop yelling at me, he said he can try but wont swear, which led to me telling him to move out, which led to him yelling on top of his lungs that im a W* word, that he hated me for 7 months, he then yelled that he hates me multiple times in a row, (at this point i start crying a lot) he then says that he didnt want to sleep with me because i disgust him, and that he doesn’t want to hug me when i’m crying and wants to play video games instead, and that he enjoyes seeing me cry now. So i’m pretty much over it at this point, but then he calms down after about half an hour of him telling me every hurtful thing under the sun, and then after calming down he tells me, he feels better and that he didn’t mean anything he said, and that he was just tired and nervous for days. So now im just… Can anyone tell me what to do, i just need to let go, but dont know how.
TLDR: my boyfriend yelled at me that im a W* word, that he hates me and that i ruined his life, and then apologized and said he didn’t mean it. How do i break up?
Thank you if anyone sees or replies..
Update: thank you all for the support, i told him it’s over.. but he started crying and saying that he is depressed for months and doesn’t want to live anymore… I’m just, don’t know
8 comments
He’s abusive and you deserve better.
Since he has poor impulse control, you need to be careful. Get him out of your apartment (ask a friend to help get him out to be safe) and block him.
You must leave him. That is verbal abuse and the types who go that way often end up escalating their behaviour in time. You are strong and you are capable of doing this. Your emotions are not a weakness but they must be guarded, and he is running roughshod over them. Instead of thinking of yourself in the limiting way of being an ‘anxious person’, try to instead think of yourself as someone who is occasionally anxious. Or even better – a strong person who is occasionally anxious. More freeing, isn’t it?
You have one life and you are spending it with someone who makes you sad. Who yells at you. Who calls you names. You deserve better than that and you can have it – just use your inner strength to take you out of this situation. Tell him it is over for good and stick to it. Have friends/family be there with you if you are concerned about your safety.
But you can do this. Really. You are more than strong enough to do this – you just have to let yourself believe it. You’ve already taken the first step by recognising you deserve better. Keep on walking. And maybe buy some nice shoes to treat yourself with for doing so!
Involve other people. Especially nice if you have some bigshouldered brothers/fathers/friends who can help. He’s abusive, but these guys often shut up when someone bigger shows up. It also helps if there’s someone with you the first days of break up, cos he’s going to try to get back in. So start talking to people and tell them you need help.
Once he’s out, just pack his shit and put it outside with him. It sounds like he’s not on your lease, he just decided to move in. So while it would be a technical illegal eviction, he probably isn’t smart enough to know about that and it’s more important to get him out physically. If he makes a big deal about it later in court, it’s something to deal with later. Save all of the communication you have so far and if you have a diary, write things down. Take pictures of/ film everything you put out. Change the locks, save the original locks if your landlord involves fees etc.
Nothing wrong with wanting companionship, but it sounds like there are some things you need to adress to pick better partners. Perhaps next time only move in after at least 1 year of dating from separate houses.
You need to serve the abusive a$$hole with an eviction notice. Stay safe, OP abusers can be dangerous once you decide it’s over.
Do you have friends and family you can talk to? Tell them what happened so that you can’t back out, then tell him you are breaking up. Get a friend to be with you if you don’t trust yourself to stick to it.
You’re really asking what to do? Really? Really? Drop that piece of shit right now
You do not deserve to live with someone who ignores you, insults you, makes you cry, and makes your breakup, *which was about his continuous mistreatment of you*, about HIS feelings and HIS depression. Even if you’re depressed, you still owe your partner a minimum level of respect, kindness, and consideration. He didn’t do that.
He needs to take responsibility for how awful he’s made you feel, sincerely apologise, and then make an effort, for the rest of your relationship, to do better. If he’s not going to do that for you, he’s not good enough for you. You obviously have a lot of love to give, and you deserve better than this.
Will you update us on how things go? I’m rooting for you.
Some abusive relationships start with the abusive party seeking out people who have low or non-existent self-worth. This is the case with you.