Hi all
So firstly, I get along with her but don’t know her very well, we’ve only met a couple times so far but she’s really friendly and showed me his baby pics and all that. Her husband (bf’s dad) is on hospice with cancer (that’s all the details I have, maybe it’s not “grieving” but you know what I mean)
Anyway, my bf and I are LDR for now so that’s why I’ve met her only a couple times. And last time I saw her, it was when her husband was having surgery and she was worried and talking to me about it but I had no idea what I was meant to say – and I know this time she’ll want to talk to me about hospice and stuff like that.
I am totally fine with her chatting to me about stuff like that but I have no idea how to react or respond. I just say “oh, that sucks/sounds terrible” etc. but she always looks at me like she expects me to say something else or more?
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5 comments
Listen and be empathetic. Does your bf not talk about it too at all?
I’m so sorry that’s happening. How are you managing?
Those are the two platitudes you remix in situations like this.
If you were closer, like you were married to your BF, there’s also a social expectation to say something like, ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ but I think you can skip that one.
You don’t have to say anything. She is talking to you about it, because she is trying to process her own feelings about it. The only thing you can do “wrong” is to bring your own feelings into it “oh yeah when my grandfather had cancer…” she has no space to listen to your feelings.
So responses like “wow, that is really tough”
Or, in dealing with the medical profession “that is so fucked up”
Or “this must be really hard for you”
There might even be different feelings. Maybe she has been trying to get him to quit smoking for a decade, and now it has caught up with him. So anger might be there too. People who are having trouble accessing grief will often express anger instead.
It isn’t your job to fix it, or make it better. Your job is to listen, ask questions if you want, or if you are confused about something. She is talking to process her feelings. She might, later, be surprised or even embarrassed to have shared all this. “I’m not sure why I am telling you all this” just reassure her that it is OK.
One has to imagine that she has got hardly anyone (or anyone at all) to talk about this with. It’s a couple of hours for you of what will hopefully be a long and happy life. If your relationship lasts it will be a bond between you and your MIL. If it goes by the wayside. You will have done a kind thing and it will remind you that is here to be enjoyed. None of us know how long it will last. Good luck.
look her in the eyes and just pay close attention