Me (F34) met him (M36) over an app. We’ve met up 4 times, all of which were initiated by me in advance. We’ve also had sex twice. He asked me out at the last minute a few times (eg. 9pm+ on weeknights) and those few times I told him it’s not a good time. I’ve washed up by then, or will need time to wrap up what I’m doing, get ready and travel out to meet him – which will be 11pm or so by then. I need to wake up early for work the next day so I can’t stay out late either, which means I’ll have to make my way home after an hour or so if I meet him that late.
He is slow to text back, it doesn’t bother me because I know he’s busy at work. Post-work, he has a lot of activities going on too.
Last week he did the last minute thing again. I tried to compromise by suggesting we meet halfway in the middle and letting him know I have to go home after 2 hours or so, he changed his mind about wanting to me. I proposed meeting on either of the two days on weekends, to which he mentioned he had plans to attend to. He did not propose an alternative free time. I told him that he can let me know when he wants to meet in advance, and I’ll definitely save my time for him, to which he replied “I am free now”.
Two days ago he complained to me over text that different parts of his body was aching and having injuries, to which I replied “It seems to be a weekly occurence”. It was said in jest. (He plays sports very frequently and hence the numerous aches and injuries). His reply: “Don’t want to hear this now”, to which I asked “Then what do you want to hear?”. He said “Hmm offer to buy a nice dinner? Or drinks? Or a cuddle?”
I did not reply because I felt irritated that he is throwing the ball in my court to ask him out again. Hours later, he followed up with a text at 930pm, asking if I’m free to meet for a drink. I told him it wasn’t a good time and I would really prefer if we planned in advance like we did before.
He got annoyed, saying that I don’t reply texts, don’t call, and don’t initiate anything, and when he asks me out, I say that I want to plan in advance. I told him I have initiated right from the start, in fact all 4 times we met up were initiated by me. The only text I didn’t reply to was him saying I should offer to buy him dinner/drinks/cuddles, but I have replied to all his other texts before this. He said that it’s not exactly true because I don’t want to meet when he asks me out – I explained again that it takes me time to wrap up what I’m doing and get ready, and when I offered to meet him halfway he didn’t want to. I also said that it took me longer than usual to reply to his last text (he knows that his response time to my texts is way longer). I don’t call him because I find that texting is sufficient.
Guy backed down, saying he didn’t want to argue, and he wasn’t feeling good and needed company. (So he does not want to make plans ahead of time but wants to see me at the last minute when he’s feeling down?)
Yesterday I texted him in the morning to ask if he would be free to meet around 9pm. He replied only around that time saying he was running errands in town. Asked me what I wanted to do and where did I want to go. I said that I didn’t have anything in mind but would like to see him, I proposed talking a walk or sitting in a park nearby. His reply “Another time then, my leg is injured”. I asked him if he wants to do something more comfortable and he can suggest too, he left me on read. In between the convo, I tried to call him twice as it would have been easier to discuss where to meet, he could have called me back but did not.
The effort feels very one sided. In other times I asked him out, he would also ask me what do I want to do and where do I want to go. It feels like the onus is entirely on me to initiate and plans dates, and when my suggestions does not meet his preferences, he does not want to meet (how am I supposed to know at the point of texting him that his leg was injured?). In fact, I was surprised when he got annoyed and accused me of not initiating dates when I’ve been doing so all the while. It’s ironic that before he sends me home, he always says “don’t run away from me”.
I want to call it off with this guy but I also wonder if I should give the benefit of doubt at least once. Perhaps there are other things going on that I can’t see on the surface and I should explain my point of view before I decide to call it off? If I were to explain, it may end up in a long text which isn’t ideal. Need your inputs and perspectives here in case there are certain things I’m not seeing, thank you.
23 comments
Call it off. I had a similar experience but the guy put in substantially more effort the first 5 dates until I caved and gave him access to sex. His texting was always subpar but his efforts to find time to date me throughout the week dropped. I immediately knew I had been played. It was very hard because I was extremely attracted to him physically and mentally. He claimed he wanted long term but his actions after sex didn’t add up
Lmao how many benefits of the doubt are you going to give? You’re way past one. Interested people act interested.
Ask yourself this, if your friend described this guy to you, what would your advice be?
Definitely end it. This has gone on for far too long. He wants to be able to order you up like an Uber and is argumentative and juvenile via text. It seems like he’s mainly looking for sex and company when he’s feeling down or bored, but only after 9pm on weeknights. You deserve so much better OP.
He’s just tryna bootycall you
Girl, call it off—immediately. No, he doesn’t need an explanation either. Cut off communication and block his number.
This entire situation was exhausting to read and I can’t believe you have been tolerating this half-assed child-like behaviour from a 36 year old. Like others have said, he doesn’t sound interested in you. You’re on the metaphorical back burner and you’re low priority for him. He still reaches out occasionally (low effort, low interest) because you still respond or reach out. He’s using your availability to his benefit (casual hookup).
While I don’t know your dating preferences and what you were looking for while on the dating apps—were you on the market for a potential relationship? Casual sex?), this behaviour should not be tolerated. There’s a minefield of red flags with this guy. You need to leave and you needed to leave this situation weeks ago. 🏃🏻♀️💨
Repeat after me:
– You deserve to be with someone that communicates effectively with you.
– You deserve a man that takes initiative to plan dates with you.
– You deserve a man to spoil you and put effort during the early phases of dating.
– You deserve a man that’s excited to see you AND wants to see you (ie. Planning dates during normal date hours 6:00pm / 7:00pm). Any guy texting you after 9:00pm for a “cuddle” or “drinks” does not have the best intentions.
What’s there to explain? He wants to see you when it’s convenient for him and that’s it. Are you ok with that ?
It’s blatantly obvious why this 36 year old is still single and it’s because he only prioritizes himself. You’ve given him a billion benefits of the doubt already. Keep it curt and say you’re not interested anymore. No need for anything else, you’ve already wasted too much precious time on this.
Holy crap I just experiened this and friendzoned him 2 days ago. Same things were happening. He would always want to meet for dates w intent of it being sexual and it would always be last minute notices. The very first date we had was a huge struggle to get him to plan even 2 days ahead. And even then I was the one that drove the furthest to meet him because he seemed genuinely interested in me but was very pushy with securing a date with me immediately.
Months down the line I kept suggesting date ideas, beach days in the summer, lunches, meet ups. He kept dodging me. He would call me if I was awake at 12am to meet up, I met up stupidly it would be like 2AM. Idk what is wrong w this guy he was a train wreck and I was catching this wreck too.
Two days ago I gave up. He started acting weird when I mentioned we werent doing the things like we initially discussed we’d do. The dates, cuddling, sex frequencies, none of that. I called ALL of this out early on too because I warned him not to get too involved w me since he had JUST gotten out of a long term involvement with someone else. And I didn’t agree to catch the brunt end of this but was willing to stick around for the healing.
Oh and somehow during the halloween weekend he flew out of the state. Friday said he wanted to see me monday, he flew out for the weekend somehow got back on sunday and called me at around 8pm asking if I was up to meet, unless he has teleportation powers idk how that is possible. I declined and said we BOTH agreed for monday.
Holy cow I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this. I can relate and I have a bad habit of doubling down when someone puts in minimal effort too. But you deserve so much better. You seem like a genuinely kind person and you’ve been more than flexible, but he doesn’t appreciate it one bit. I’m legit mad on your behalf that he accused you of not initiating and complained about you wanting to plan in advance. Him changing his mind after you suggested meeting halfway is flat out disrespectful in my opinion.
You’ve communicated your concerns, you have put in the vast majority of the work, and this is probably the best it’s gonna get from his end. Do you want to be with someone who treats you as an option (and not even a top option)? I’ve been where you are and I regret doubling down with my effort because it was never appreciated.
I highly suggest cutting your losses and finding someone who will treat you like a pattern. But if you want to be 100% sure and give him another chance, then I say send that text and set a hard boundary. You will never regret standing up for yourself in a situation like this, whether that includes breaking things off or setting a firm boundary and risking the other person walking. Trust me as someone who has a ton of regrets.
He is wasting your time. He isnt considerate of YOUR time and things you got going on. Just walkaway. Too many negatives already
This guy is not your soul mate.
Please have more love for yourself than to tolerate this wishy washy behaviour from.
He clearly doesn’t care for you and is just using you. Run, don’t walk.
I know receiving lots of different advice can be conflicting but that’s your hope confusing you.
This guy is only calling you when he wants something. He’s not looking for a relationship because that’s not what relationships look like.
He gaslights you when you don’t reply and tries to make you think it’s you.
This isn’t the kind of relationship anyone needs. The pain will be the pain of letting go of the fantasy, not the reality. If you don’t want to end up alone, move on.
GIRL. I am about halfway through and already have thoughts. I’ve dealt with this exact type, but it didn’t last as long. I actually posted about him before because the behavior was so uniquely confusing, but I guess it wasn’t so unique after reading this. He sounds like an ass. He’s definitely not interested in the same thing as you. He wants a mother and someone to fuck. Which is fine, but he doesn’t know how to communicate that and is self sabotaging. His behavior sounds like it’s coming from an 18 year old kid. He’s emotionally stunted.
There is no benefit to give this man. Zero. If there are other things going on, it is not for you to solve, rescue, understand. He has a confused attachment style and likes to manipulate. I don’t think you owe this man any kind of explanation to be honest, just bless and release. This is a version of what I have saved in my phone. Adjust as you see fit:
“I want to be honest and transparent with you because that’s what I’d respect in return. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, thank you for the (#) dates. From the discussions we’ve had I’m not feeling a romantic connection that I personally require. I really hope you find someone that you’re looking for.”
Send and **block** sis, please block.
ugh sorry you’re experiencing this. you seem like a really kind person who tries to be understanding and generous. that kind of goodness is best paired with someone who matches it. this kind of scenario would likely drain it instead
and about him, he just sounds exhausting and uncompromising which isn’t nice for any kind of relationship, especially not a long-term partnership. it’s too much tension: too soon, and unnecessarily so
hope your next experience is a lot more lighthearted, fun, and collaborative!
He has zero respect for you. Since he doesn’t you should have more respect for yourself and stop engaging with someone like that.
Posts on here are rarely this black and white – end it, block him, never look back.
Put it this way. This guy wnt care at all if you end it
This guy sounds like a massive dud. I don’t see why you would try to force things with someone who sounds downright unpleasant.
This person clearly has no respect for you, don’t keep putting up with this crap.
Everything about this individual sounds manipulative. His whole “you don’t ask me out” act is just projection, emotional blackmail and gaslighting
He is a waste of space. Block and delete.
From everything you wrote here, this guy sounds awful. Please move on from him – you can do better than this guy.