It’s always the same, if there were a wide variety of tips and among those tips some people advising “listen and ask questions” Okay, but literally every time someone asks for help on how to improve conversations or stop being quiet all the time the advice of the majority is always to reduce everything to “just listen and ask questions” and when you say: well and then when I want to talk? ” well just ask more questions and let the other person talk and do all the work people like to talk about themselves”It’s just sad and absurd, it seems that many people are not really interested in all that can be improved skills in conversations and have just decided to opt for the generic advice that everyone can apply and tell others that that is the way because “you have two ears and a mouth bro, the world is already too noisy better listen”, but there are many that we do not want to have such a passive role in the conversations, or that we would not enjoy the conversations in that way, knowing how to listen and ask questions is important but it is something basic and it is not enough, if you really want to learn to be a good conversationalist it is best to have a good balance between your listening and speaking skills and it is hard to find tips to talk between the same garbage repeated over and over, people just seem to be saying ” since you are bad at talking better forget about all the other things and just listen and ask questions” seems like people want to adapt everyone to a too passive mold in conversations as if that was the only way to do things.
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Unless you’re a gifted and confident speaker, talking is a poor way of building relationships.
Also, no one needs to be told to talk about themselves and the things they like.
If you get good at asking questions and listening, you will eventually learn how and when to speak in a way that adds to the conversation. Most people do not actively listen or truly care about the responses to the questions they ask. They simply wait for their turn to speak
It’s an incredibly important fundamental. If you aren’t able to read a room, you will have issues no matter how charismatic you are.
Bruh, if someone is a beginner and wants to get into cycling, would you recommend that they buy the most expensive gear and ride 40 km/h for a full 3 hours?
No, of course not. Because that would fucking destroy them.
If someone comes here asking for advice on social skills and doesn’t provide further context (i.e: “I already have people in my social circle and I know how to be a good listener”), you should assume that they don’t have those things yet.
And it would be best for them to start with the basics.
And the most effective skills to learn as basics are skills that make you more likeable. Which happens to be listening and asking fitting questions.
You need to know how to connect with people on a superficial level before you can deepen bonds. This is pretty basic stuff. And if _you_ specifically have a question about social skills and you don’t want to get basic advice, then you need to provide the relevant context.
Yeah, it works.
Until people say “if someone never talks about themselves, they must be trying to hide who they are, I don’t like them”
And then you’re in another lose lose situation
By listening to other people having conversations you could develop a feeling on how a conversation flows. It will take time to develop the feeling.
I think listening to them while also giving your own opinion on the topic is good. That way you are both engaged. Finding topics you two are both interested in helps with that I think.
I get exactly what you mean. People don’t want to admit that most people are so rude and self-absorbed and therefore want you to think that it is your fault for not being socially successful. A good conversation happens very naturally between people making a genuine effort to understand eachother.
You add to the conversation, by interjecting relevant experiences of your own, without derailing or taking over the convo. You’re not trying to one-up the other person or take the convo in a drastically different direction, and you mostly redirect it beck to the other person. It’s really not rocket science.
Because relationships are a two-way street and the more you can engage with and show interest in the other, the more you get that back. They’re mutually reinforcing. However, there are definitely those who like to talk more than others, so I also like to include silence sometimes to allow the flow of conversation to be struck. I’d say I have a lot of friends and a career in coaching, which is mainly Q&A based, really helped with that.
Also, people generally like to talk about themselves so you can gain a lot of intel that way.
I feel like when people say this like it’s *the* solution, they’re giving you the advice that’s helped them, whose problem was probably that they talk too much and have trouble listening to others.
The same advice doesn’t work for all kinds of people. Some people are naturally inclined to listen really well and ask questions, but have trouble offering their own opinions and opening up about themselves. These are the people who get easily drained after every interaction because they end up just talking about other people and their problems the whole time with it rarely being reciprocated.
And sure, people will think you’re nice and pleasant if you do that. They’ll be flattered you’re interested in them but they’ll also feel subconsciously awkward around you because you have trouble being your authentic self around them and they still don’t really know you. And the relationships will stay somewhat shallow because of that. So when people tell you “just listen more and ask more questions” it can feel really frustrating.
Making real relationships definitely involves being able to listen and ask questions but that’s only half of it I think
I agree with you 100%. That advice is ridiculous. Even the replies on here are ridiculous, lol. Most people looking for tips on improving their social skills are shy and quiet people. Telling a quiet person that the key to making friends is by listening is like telling an anorexic person that the key to a healthy lifestyle is watching what you eat.
Let me tell you a story. I long while ago I volunteered for an event. And this one girl walked into the volunteers’ room. I could tell that she was shy, and possibly suffered from social phobia, as soon as she walked in, because her eyes were nervously darting around the room. She was a pleasant girl, and she asked people questions. Generic stuff like “how did you hear about this event?”, “have you done something like this before”?, etc. She was basically being the textbook example of what those advice columns tell you to do when trying to make new friends. Listening and asking questions.
The next day, she didn’t show up. At one point I overheard some girls talking about her. One of them asked, “who are you talking about?”, and somebody replied, “it’s the girl who asked questions.” And they all giggled. It broke my heart hearing them. That girl was obviously trying to make friends, and instead of making them, people mocked her.
Moral of the story… if you take that social skills advice too literally, it could backfire. **Do not** ask people a lot of questions when you’ve just met them.
From my experience, people are looking for a connection. They’re not looking for an ear to talk to. They also want to be entertained. Contrary to popular advice, most people are not dying to talk about themselves. They’re not going to adore you just because you let them talk without interrupting. Sure, they want you to hear them out, but they also want you to tell them your own interesting anecdotes. Great conversation is a two way street. You have to both talk and listen.
Talking is just as important as listening.
As for internet advice columns, I think article writers just copy from one another, change up the word structure a bit, and boom – they push out an article. That’s why the exact same advice, however bad it is, gets copied over and over and over again.
More often than not all it takes to git gud is to listen and ask question accordingly. It’s a skill, so nobody really expects you to get it right, right away.
I know what you are saying.
I’m afraid that on subreddits like this one the number of inexperienced people will outweigh experienced ones. I wonder how many people that are good at socialising are here. It seems natural that most people will be inexperienced but then who will give a good advice?
I meet people that took this advices seriously. I hate when someone is firing questions at me like it’s KGB interrogation. I barely finish (or not even) answering and there is another question. Additionally they don’t talk anything or little about themselves. I feel like I talked with a machine and don’t want to repeat this again. It’s tiring. I don’t think one will attract right people this way.
In good conversation we exchange experiences and ask questions. Finding commonalities and enjoying differences. Mix of being playful and serious.
My theory is that there are people who are naturally inclined to have some degree of social skills and people who aren’t. I think the people who got it naturally struggle to understand those that don’t, like I think they genuinely can’t comprehend it, which is why their advice is stuff like “listen and ask questions!” “Practice! It will flow”
Ok here is different advice. Focus on something you enjoy doing and try to connect with people who enjoy the same thing. You will already have something to talk about, and you can ask what they think about the thing and you can speak about the thing
Most social skills advice is either:
1. Too obvious
2. Too ineffective
3. Too impossible
Examples: **just ask questions**. Obvious talking point is obvious! But it still doesn’t stop you from sounding like a question-spouting machine. Or, ineffective: **put yourself out there!** So you do that, and nobody notices that you’ve ‘put yourself out there,’ so you get discouraged and stop trying. Or, impossible: **Just BE confident!** Sure, if it were that easy I’d just BE charismatic. Or BE outgoing. Or BE super popular. It’s as easy as saying “BE.”
That’s where a lot of the advice falls. And that has always frustrated me, especially when I was a kid and really NEEDED some good advice.
So, I’m totally with you on that! Not all of the advice is terrible, but a LOT of it is.
Just an FYI you’re allowed to use more than one period in a post
They give that advice – listen and ask questions – because that’s what they do! It works for them. If they are doing anything more subtle or specific, they don’t share it because they (a) don’t notice it, (b) can’t describe it, or (c) think it’s too specific to them.
In addition – you have to take that and all advice with common sense. You can’t stare at someone and ask follow-ups like an android.
Listening and asking questions is a very good skill, and you can get real mileage out of mainly doing that. It’s less demanding than leading a convo, and it lets you get a feel for the other person.
Because it’s literally the bare minimum of social interaction and half the people on the sub cant even figure out how to do that. People fucking love to talk about themselves. People like being around people that make them feel good. Giving people a chance to talk about themselves will increase their positive feelings towards you because you asked them a question that allows them to talk about themselves.
Plus, its the easiest possible thing you can do:
“How was your weekend?”
“It was great i did x, y and z”
“I didn’t know you liked x and y, how long have you been doing that? I think my cousin likes that too”
BOOM you just made that persons day because they get a chance to talk about shit they enjoy. Since you made them feel good theyll start liking you more. Easy peasy
I think you need to recognize that life is not about you
That’s an interesting take. Do you know if there are any studies on this?
I’ve found a better version of this is: try and find what someone is passionate *about* and talk about it *with* them.
Now I’m just need to figure out how you learn about someone’s passions in the middle of a “intro to accounting” lecture.
I also hate that advice. Imagine if both parties listen to it or you came across person that doesn’t like talking about themselves.
Bro that advice is a polite way to tell people to shut up and comply. It incentivizes positive skills like listening and being inquisitive to better understand the speaker and the subject of conversation. It also encourages suppressing own thoughts and opinions on topics in order to allow others to further support their ideas. If that is all one does they will enable others to practice speaking on things they think.
Good questions that challenge the speaker will create opportunities for new ways to support speakers opinions or give them cause to change opinions if they cannot find a suitable answer. Either helps the speaker while the questioning listener gets exposure that is likely to influence own beliefs. The listener becomes a good supporter. The speakers become influential.
If you do not speak on your own thoughts and opinions along with listening to others doing the same then it not a balanced conversation. It is a lecture or an interview. A good Conversation involves everyone involved to have their turns to discuss.
I had a argument a few days back with another redditor asking to expand on their response to which they refused saying they are not personal advisor, to which I think that it is kind of useless of them to have half cooked answers here, particularly when it is essential to give the OPs some actual well thought meaningful answers that they can actually use.
Short advice like “just listen and ask questions” usually lead to ambiguous interpretation like this which defeats the purpose of the answer.