I’m in college right now and I live away as I dorm. I’m also in my colleges debate team and this weekend we had a debate tournament at a school a couple hours away from us. I actually live in the same city as where the debate tournament was taking place.
I was planning on going straight home after the debate tournament for thanksgiving break. I told my family I would be home this weekend and that I had the debate tournament as well. They were fine with it.
Since the tournament was a two day thing, I initially asked my parents if they were comfortable having me and my team members stay over at my house. They said we don’t have the space so I should look for accommodation elsewhere- and by that they meant a hotel.
My debate team then looked for hotels but we were gonna be there in a friday night in a big city so we decided it to stay at another team members house who also lived in our same city.
Anyways day comes (yesterday) and we attend the competition and it goes on until 11pm. I call my parents and tell them i’m going to my team members house.
My dad loses his mind because he thinks we should be in a hotel and that my university doesn’t care about us since they didn’t put up in a five star hotel and drive us out there with a big car.
I tell him that’s not how it works, as a club we only get a certain budget and we chose to not spend it on a hotel so we could have money left over for other future expenses.
He was also upset i’m staying at a “strangers” house even though it’s my teammate i’ve known for years and her parents were there with us. My dad was upset and told me to find my own way home (he was initially going to pick me up). My dad didn’t end up picking up my calls later into the night.
Early this morning, when we arrived at the tournament for our second day here, I called my parents to let them know I’m safe. My dad angrily told me to quit the debate team and this would be my final tournament. I told him no I won’t be doing that and that I didn’t do anything wrong last night anyways.
In the end he told me to just go back to my college and not to bother coming home for thanksgiving.
I’m still at the tournament right now and we leave in a few hours.
How do I better communicate with my parents on this issue and should I just spend thanksgiving break at school?
Edit: I have an off campus apartment so I can go back to my apartment and the rest of the debate team was gonna drive up to my school so i’d just be joining them back
39 comments
You just go back to college and let him cool down. Nothing to be gained by arguing with him.
Maybe call up your mother later and chat.
Was the topic at the debate about the annual Thanksgiving family feud?
your dad is being a dickhead. if he wanted you to not stay at your teammate’s house THAT badly he could have had you stay home with them. to uninvite you to thanksgiving, a holiday meant for spending time with family, then he’s being stubborn and unreasonable and not to mention immature. talk to your mother if you can and see what’s going on. if your dad is doubling down i say fuck his whole attitude and see about thanksgiving with someone else or just back at school. maybe you and your teammates can do Friendsgiving this year?
sorry you’re going through this though : wish i could tell your dad he’s being a dick. sometimes people need to hear it from a stranger.
This doesn’t sound like a normal or proportionate reaction at all. Is there some reason your parents are so strict? Are they particularly religious? Do you come from a culture where women are supposed to limit contact outside of their own family?
No judgement on my side, just wondering what could drive such a big reaction to a perfectly normal activity. Staying at a friend’s house is hardly a hanging offence.
Maybe stop giving your parents so many unnecessary details. Let them assume you’re staying in hotels. For example … “Hey, dad. We’re doing a debate in town. I’ll come home to stay for Thanksgiving afterwards.”
For now, go back to school and maybe have Thanksgiving dinner with other friends who are not going home for Thanksgiving.
Unless there are other key details missing your Dad is being ridiculous. See if a teammate would be willing to let you thanksgiving with them.
You really need to put your parents on an undo diet. You’re an adult now, they don’t need to know everything about your life. Especially if they’re so irrational like this.
I bet your dad changes his mind and tries to guilt trip you last minute, putting a lot of pressure on you. I’d say fuck them and do your own thing this Thanksgiving.
I’m concerned about your safety and to make my point I’m not going to pick you up???
This is not something for you to fix.
Your father is angry he no longer has control over you and it lashing out – he wants you to do something a certain way, his way, and when you don’t, he blows up.
My suggestion? Spend thanksgiving at school. I would honestly ask around at school – like with student services, perhaps? – to see if they have an even for those that can’t go home for thanksgiving, like at the cafeteria where students can meet up and bring food from the store. There are usually tons of students in that situation. Find some of your fellow outcasted students either go to the event or have your own in your dorm – this could be a fantastic moment to make new friends and contacts.
But your Dad needs to learn that when he make an emotional threat ‘don’t come home for X event’ then you are going to call his bluff and take him at face value that he doesn’t want you around.
you have NOTHING to apologize for. Your father is the one that needs to, and now is the time to make it clear that you are done trying to fuss over him when he has tantrums. You are an adult. You are able to make decisions for yourself, and that includes not going to where you have been uninvited from.
Daddys just mad he can’t control you. Tell him you’ll skip xmas too.
Get your mom on the phone and see if she even knows about this, if she does, do what he says and go back to school or do thanksgiving with a friend or three. I would also be rethinking Christmas .
Best response is to stay at school and act like you don’t care. Find some local thanksgiving event and tell your mom, not your dad, how much fun it was. You could even sign up to help others at a local community meal. Turn this into something valuable. Your father’s histrionics only work if they matter to you.
What an over the top and hurtful reaction. I think I’d attempt to make alternate plans for Thanksgiving, either with one or more of your teammates, or back at the dorm. You’re in college, involved in extracurriculars, and it doesn’t seem as if your dad understands how either work. Give your mom a call to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving, but don’t grovel – you are living a responsible college life, and that doesn’t warrant apologies.
Spend Thanksgiving at your college.
Your dad seems to be under the impression you’re under his control and he has input into your decisions.
Agree with post, your dad is unreasonable. Hope all went well with the debate. This is a club you definitely should continue with. Good luck, and happy Thanksgiving. Sorry it won’t be with your family.
No 20 year old man in your family would be treated this way.
But no 20 year old man would have told them this much to begin with.
Information diet.
And all my favorite Thanksgivings were with friends not family.
Call mom to let her know you won’t be home for thanksgiving and let her know why.
You’re a legal adult who no longer lives at home. Why are you constantly checking in with your parents about your whereabouts? Why do you need to communicate any of this with them in the first place?
Ask a couple of friends of you can join them for Thanksgiving. If they are able to host you, go enjoy yourself—don’t sit alone in your dorm like a chastened pet, which is what your dad wants you to do.
Who’s paying for college may be a dynamic complicating things for her
I’m a professor and an older parent of people around your age. This is not a communication issue, it is a control issue. Your parents (maybe just your father) are trying to control you. They (incorrectly) think they know what is best for you and are trying to force you to do what they want. This is an important moment, and you should handle it thoughtfully. You should not apologize or cave in, nor argue with them. The adult response is to calmly let them know that you are an adult and you know what you are doing and you do not appreciate how they treated you. Then enjoy Thanksgiving away from home, and be happy you won’t have to deal with that nonsense over the holiday.
In general, calmly setting your boundaries is best. In this case, you handled it just fine. It turned into a mess because your father is an ass, not because of anything you did. It’s his mess to fix, not yours. He owes you an apology.
To be clear, them not wanting the team in their house was not unreasonable. Everything after that was unreasonable and your father telling you not to come home for Thanksgiving took it right over the top into vindictive controlling asshole territory. The secret is not to let his power move bother you. It was a gift of your freedom. Enjoy it.
I think your father is jealous of you. You appear to be a very responsible student and got to enjoy a debate tournament. Your parents didn’t have room for you so you undstandably stayed with your teammates. Has your father always been this controlling or is it new? Can you talk to you mother about his behavior. He CANNOT demand that you quit the debate team, though he might get weird about it if he is paying your tuition. It was be a dick move to withhold your tuition over this, but given his reactions described in your post, I wouldn’t put it past him.
He’s emotionally blackmailing and manipulating you. Call his bluff and don’t go home for Thanksgiving, or call, or ask to come home. I bet you $20 he just wants you to apologize and grovel. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Join a friend for your holiday meal.
Let your dad enjoy his own dry, improperly-basted control issues for Thanksgiving.
Call his bluff. Tell your friends your dad uninvited you from thanksgiving and one of them will invite you to their family’s thanksgiving. Dad is out of his mind. You have to draw a line with him and the time is now.
My wife’s mother used to be a lot like this.
For example, when my wife (K) and I first started dating (around your age), she was dog sitting for a friend of theirs for a few days surrounding Memorial Day weekend. K was attending college about an hour away but had driven back to watch the dog.
Her mom was planning a last minute holiday BBQ and told K that she needed to drive home, attend the BBQ, and spend the night. K couldn’t do spend the night – she had work the next day. She told her mom she’d be happy to swing by for dinner but needed to get back to her apartment that night.
Her mom said “well, you may as well not even bother coming then.” And was pretty ugly about it.
K called me, upset, asking what she should do. I told her that her mom had already given her the answer: don’t go. So she didn’t.
What happened: her mom called her the next day and asked if she was coming. K said she wasn’t, and her mom backpedaled and started crying. K stayed firm and came back to her apartment.
Her mom had used this tactic on K for most of her life – make demands, then try to bully or guilt K into doing what she wanted. When I pointed this out to K, we started working on deprogramming her (and her mom) from falling into that behavior.
If her mom gave her ultimatums (“either do exactly what I want or don’t bother trying to meet me half way at all.”), K would would just say “okay” and not. She was more firm with her mom about her boundaries. It was a bit of an uphill battle but her mom finally stopped that kind of behavior.
That was 6 years ago! K and her mom have a much healthier relationship now.
Sometimes parents have a hard time accepting that their kid is now an adult, especially if you grew up in a strict household.
I’d just go back to your dorm (or a friend’s house, if possible!) for Thanksgiving. That’s what he told you to do, so now he can sit with the consequences of that heated statement. I know that’s a huge bummer. If your dad calls making anymore demands or tries to apologize, just try to talk to him like an adult and start working on those boundaries now. It’s ultimately your choice to go home after that conversation happens (if it does).
Good luck, OP <3
Eh, leave it. I suspect that when your other parent and rest of the family finds out the shit will hit the fan.
Plan to have “Friendsgiving” or “Movie Marathon-giving” at your place and let your family make it up to you are Winter break, or not.
And give up DEBATE?!? Heaven forbid.
*Former speech and debate coach.
He’s concerned you’re at a “stranger’s” house and then … doesn’t answer your calls? What if you actually needed help? Trash.
Are your parents immigrants? Your dad reminds me of my dad.
Couple things rise to the surface.
* Your dad’s expectation that the school would be taking care of accommodation, then you having to correct him.
* The fact that someone else’s family had the capacity to host you while they couldn’t.
* The demand that you quit debate team without even thinking of the repercussions. My parents had a hard time wrapping their heads around the notion that some extracurricular activities could be just as important as academics. They wanted me to quit all of them in high school so I would have a better chance of getting into a prestigious college. Uh, that’s not how it works.
There’s a lot of potential for “losing face” here that your dad probably doesn’t even have to capacity to process. The fact that you haven’t had a conversation with your mom also concerns me – does she just go along with everything that your dad says? My dad has in the past threatened to stop paying college tuition when he doesn’t get his way, so I totally understand why you want to make sure that everything is OK.
If I were in your shoes, I would communicate to your dad AND your mom that you want nothing more than to be there for Thanksgiving, but in total and complete respect for your father’s wishes, you will spend it in school instead. You would remind your parents that you will be COMPLETELY honest in why you are in school when asked by your professors.
If your dad is anything like my dad, he will say that you completely misunderstood him and it was just a joke. Sigh.
You know your dad better than I do, so what I suggested may not work. All I can say is that in my experience, malicious compliance was my best friend.
This reminds me of the time my parents tried to ground my sister for some dumb shit when she came home from college for a holiday. I think it was for staying out late. She ended up booking a plane ticket and flying back home that morning to her own apartment that she paid for herself and never came to visit them again. Like what the fuck did they expect? A whole ass adult just sitting at their house grounded? Lol.
I say hit up your best friend from home tell them what’s up, tell them to tell their parents what’s up and see if you can come home and enjoy thanksgiving in your hometown with your friends.
Coming home from college and seeing your old friends can be a lot of fun don’t miss it because your dads being a dick. Go home have a blast see your friends and let you parents deal with the fallout of telling there kid not to come home thanksgiving for being on a debate team.
Good luck and have a happy thanksgiving
Friendsgivings are the best Thanksgivings.
Sounds like you get to start a new tradition for yourself.
Just text, “okay, I’ll have Thanksgiving with friends.” And then don’t text, call, or answer them for a while. Maybe a week? Just live your ADULT life and give them space. They are just angry they can’t control you anymore.
Your father is wholly wrong. Club activities are mostly on your dime. My daughter always had a fundraiser at the beginning of the season. Did yours? I know it will hurt but have thanksgiving with friends.
Skip Thanksgiving—your father is acting like a petulant child.
Your father is being emotionally manipulative and I would take every word from his mouth with a grain of salt.
How’s your mom doing? Have you had a chance to talk to her yet? Maybe you can get her to run some ‘errands’ so she can talk to you with him not around and you can find out what the hell is going on with your Dad.
Btw, my mom does this to me every Christmas. It always feels personal and then one year she told me she hates the holidays. 😂 I was like, you could’ve just said that years ago. All that to say, parents are human and have their own issues and you may be nudging some weird one with your dad. Hang in there, it’s just (probably dry) turkey.
Your dad sounds abusive. Gosh. I’d rather go to my apartment than be with them. I hope you aren’t stranded without a car.
Call his bluff. He was going to be upset no matter what you do so pretend his antics don’t bother you. When he says to just stay at college for the holiday, shrug and say OK, then go do whatever the hell you feel like. If you do a friendsgiving, he’s going to be upset that you didn’t spend the day alone in your dorm. If you do stay in your dorm, he’s going to be upset you didn’t come home despite him telling you not to. If you go home, he’s going to be upset you didn’t get a hotel. If you go home and get a hotel, he’s going to be mad you’re not home home. He just WANTS to be upset.
Your father is dealing with the weird transition of you becoming an independent adult. He’s not dealing with it well at all lol. But he’s going to have to get used to it and caving to his tantrums will only delay that process. Just agree and move on with your day. You’re absolutely going to feel awful because he’s pressing the buttons he’s installed in you. Don’t let him know you’re heartbroken, just pretend you’re OK with his wishes to take some space from you. Don’t let him know his “punishments” are punishments.
Sounds like my parents. Call his bluff. Go back to your dorm and have some awesome days on your own or with people who also stay at campus. This is what I did.
Let me guess .. you are female and they think shenanigans are happening at the tournament
And you father sounds very controlling. Live your life, don’t tell them everything you are doing, they don’t need to know if they are going to react this way to you being an adult.
Beware listening to all these keyboard warriors: if dad’s paying your way, you’re not as ‘adult’ as you wish. Don’t burn bridges if you still need them.
However, if you’re financially independent just do as he says. Stay at school & prepare for your self reliant life.
Best of luck.