First of all, sorry if I make any mistakes, my mother tongue isn’t English.
I (25F) and my gf (27F) have been dating for just over a year. I love her with all my heart and I truly think she is the one for me. I am monogamous and I have never tried anything non-monogamous. I don’t have nothing against non-monogamous practices, people should do what they want.For context, I am the first girl my gf has been with and she identifies as bisexual. I’m a lesbian. Two or three years ago, she was in a relationship with a man for over six years. He was her first relationship and sexual experience. Once they broke up, she let herself “loose” and slept with several guys without commiting to a relationship. She would sleep with friends or strangers. Then, she met me and fell in love.
I have had a few relationships before, two with men (before I realised I was a lesbian) and one with a woman. I find cheating and non-monogamous relationships a complicated topic, as I tend to be insecure about it. My gf and I have talked about it and she has stated that she doesn’t mind cheating if she hears about it just after it happened and from her partner. In her eyes, it is normal for people to feel attracted to other people apart from their partners and to hook up. She saids that everything can be talked about and worked on.
I agree with some of it. I do believe people can be attracted to each other while having a partner. And if my partner ever cheated on me I would want to hear it from them and immediately after it happened. However, I hate hookup culture. I know it is enjoyable for some people but I don’t think it is for me. I have never felt attracted by a friend. If I feel attraction towards them, I don’t consider them my friends, they are a romantic interest. You don’t date or sleep with your friends. Also, I like to get to know the person I’m sleeping with. I think I need to be emotionally attracted to them. Although I’ve had fantasies about sleeping with strangers.
So, the issue is this. I have talked this with my gf. She knows I am monogamous and I feel uncomfortable about the cheating topic. She has told me that (while single) she used to sleep with a certain guy every summer when she visited her hometown (he is part of her friend group from there). She has also told me that she gets “crazy” when partying (I don’t really like partying, I prefer chilling). She has also told me that she tried to hookup with another friend that liked her (while in her previous relationship) but he refused because he knew he would catch feelings. She has also told me that she tried to hookup with another guy (while in her previous relationship) and he also refused because she has a bf. I don’t know the terms her previous bf and her had about cheating or if she ever told him about and what he thought. She has also hooked up with a guy from her theatre classes before (she doesn’t go there anymore, she is now attending another theatre academy).
She has listened to my concerns and we have stated that it will be the two of us (she has said “for now”, I haven’t said that). However, I get nervous when she goes partying with her friends. I get nervous when she visits her hometown in the summer. I’m afraid she will hookup with other people. While, like I said, I believe people can find others attractive while in a relationship, I believe that cheating can be avoided completely. Even when drunk. I have never cheated. If you cheat is because you want to and it isn’t a mistake, it’s a decision. There aren’t any valid excuses. The way she talks makes me think that she wants to hookup with other people. She just doesn’t because I don’t want her to. I feel like I’m forcing her. And I just love her so much I only have eyes for her. I don’t want to kiss or sleep with other people, even if I’m attracted to them. I just want her to touch me. But I feel like she doesn’t think the same. It seems like she wants to be fucked by other people. Am I not enough? I feel specially insecure about men. Are they offering her something I just can’t give her? Does she miss sex with men? I know that if she cheats, she will wether I worry about it or not and that it is affecting only me. But I feel so insecure. I would be much more devasted if she slept with a guy than I would if she slept with a girl. Why do I feel this way? My mind is constantly telling me she is going to cheat on me.
I have had fantasies with non-monogamous sex many times before, while being in a relationship and while being single. I know being non-monogamous takes a lot of work on oneself. Are these insecurities normal? Am I forcing her? How can I feel lees insecure about it? I feel so ashamed to talk to her about it. I’m afraid she will think I’m jealous or controlling. I love her partying and having a fun time and I don’t care it isn’t with me. But I do feel retroactive jealousy. When she describes her sex with men and how much she enjoyed it, I feel sick to my stomach. Also I have meet her theatre friend (the one she slept with) and I felt extremely uncomfortable. I want to overcome this. How can I do to feel less insecure about my gf being non-monogamous?
EDIT: I forgot to add that everything else in our relationship is perfect. I know it is a me thing and it is me who has to work on myself. That’s why I made this post, to take advice and get better.
TLDR: my gf is non-monogamous and I feel insecure about her cheating on me. How can I overcome this?
6 comments
You can’t.
You need to date someone who IS monogamous instead of trying to make yourself be okay with something that goes against your core knowledge of yourself.
There’s an important detail that’s missing here: In recognizing that you’re monogamous, has she agreed to an exclusive relationship with you where she only plans on dating you? Because if you two can’t agree on the boundaries of whether dating other people is allowed, this relationship is already not going to work.
Youre gonna get cheated on, and its gonna hurt. Proceed with caution.
[removed]
Friend, I’m sorry, but all of this sounds strongly to me like she is hoping you will warm to the idea over time. She offered that she thinks cheating is fine as long as you tell her right afterward; she’s given you honestly a shocking amount of detail on who she has hooked up with and tried to hook up with in the past; she said *for now* when you talked about how you are only comfortable with monogamy.
You’re insecure that she’ll cheat on you because she has literally told you that if you cheated, she’d be fine with it as long as you told her — which tells you that this is her moral position on the subject. So even if she knows you aren’t okay with that, she still thinks *it is okay*. Deep down you know that that means if she wants to do it, she will easily justify it to herself.
I think you’re simply incompatible. And that hurts, but going on like this is just waiting for her to do something that will hurt you much more deeply.
Polyamorous person here.
A relationship between a monogamous and polyamorous person *can* work, but it’s very very rare for it to. You two have fundamentally different definitions of what it means to be in a relationship, and it’s completely normal to be stressed by that.
Your anxiety and self-doubt are very good signs that polyamory simply isn’t for you, and you need a monogamous partner. It’s normal to have a bit of doubt or jealousy arlt the beginning, but if you were going to warm up to the idea you would have by now. It sounds like to you, polyamory is all downsides and no upsides other than keeping your current partner. If that’s the case, these feelings *will not go away* and will likely continue to get stronger the longer you try to force yourself to endure an open relationship.
There’s no shame in being incompatible. Being monogamous is not “lesser”. You have nothing to overcome here – this is an incompatibility, and you should treat it as one.