Background: Me and my bf were in a relationship for slightly over a year and we’ve been having sex basically since the beginning. He was my first partner, however he had others before me.
Usually he is rather aggressive, but I don’t always like it. I often feel like I don’t have enough time and space to enjoy myself when he is being rough with me. He expects me to be a “h*e” and do everything there is in the p*rn etc. But himself he won’t go down on me, even if he pretends to try to please me he is very rough and I hate it.
Yesterday we were talking about it again and I wanted to have “gentle” sex with him because I enjoy it more. He went like “this is boring, I don’t enjoy this” and after that we didn’t end up doing it.
I tried talking to him about it, but he just insists that he enjoys “more action” in that regard. Myself I don’t have enough experience to know better.
TLDR he wants “more action” in the sex life, but I’m not sure if I’m into it.
I need advice on how to approach this. How do I keep him to enjoy it while enjoying it myself knowing that we have this difference in the pacing?
33 comments
Porn really does mess with people and what they think sex is. It’s kinda messed up he isn’t listening to you.
I’m afraid he gets off on the whole male Dom thing, probably from him watching such content where the male is rough, or demeans the partner.
I’m afraid that you have to put a stop to this if you’re not comfortable with the scene. Or he will only get more extreme as he chases his next fix.
The art of all healthy relationships is the 3 C’s.
Communication
Compromise
Commitment
I wish you well, don’t let him control the situation, say no and mean it. Any feedback or constructive criticism from you, the OP would be most welcomed.
Have a peaceful weekend.
Leave him, he’s a pos that doesn’t care about you. There are better, nicer men out there, I promise.
Sexual incompatibility is a very real issue, and that’s what’s happening here. More importantly though, you tell him you don’t like something and he just keeps doing it, and there isn’t even a compromise.
Maybe he’s great in every other respect, but frankly I doubt that. Are there other areas in life where you’d say, “I want this?” and he says, “But I prefer this,” and you always end up doing things his way?
You don’t need to have sex if you’re not enjoying it.
Unless you want a continuing series of uncomfortable and unsatisfying experiences for the sole purpose of his gratification you should end the relationship.
The impression given is that’s his sole objective in the relationship, anyway.
I do not believe there is any solution to sexual incompatibility. Even if you compromise, no one is completely fulfilled if they have to ignore their needs to stay in a relationship. Lots of men will have real sex with you. What he’s doing is cosplaying as a porn star. Porn is fake. Those angles are about what has the most primal visual impact and they are unrelated to what feels good for most bodies.
He’s watched WAY too much porn and , in my experience, those men are the worst lovers because they just use women as live flashlights to reenact their favorite porn scenes. I think you should just write this guy off and find a respectful, caring partner who doesn’t expect you to be his personal porn star. He sounds like a complete jerk and you can do much better.
It’s worth keeping in mind that being sexually incompatible is a real thing, and it’s okay for it to be a dealbreaker for you.
That being said, here are some questions for you to ask. I don’t know what you’ll find when you ask them, but they are definitely worth asking:
(1) Does your boyfriend usually make an effort to hear your concerns? Does he respond positively to these discussions?
(2) Does your boyfriend usually approach disagreements collaboratively, or do disagreements usually feel like they have a “winner” and a “loser”?
(3) Have you made concessions in your relationship (things like agreeing to eat at a restaurant you didn’t really want to go to, or do sex stuff you weren’t thrilled with, or watch a movie that wasn’t your first choice, etc.)? Do you feel like your boyfriend typically makes an equal amount of concessions?
(4) How often do you orgasm in bed with him? How often does he orgasm in bed with you?
(5) How important is a good sex life to you? (That’s a real question—for some people, it’s not important at all; for others, it’s one of the most important things)
(6) Will you still be satisfied with this relationship if nothing regarding sex ever changes? If not, how long are you willing to wait for things to improve? How and how much does it need to improve for you to be happy in the long term?
Why do you care if he enjoys it when he doesn’t care if you enjoy it? Is he aware that porn is basically what cartoons are to real life? He’s very immature and honestly does not sound like a worthwhile partner.
Sex is supposed to be an expression of your love for each other. Clearly he’s only in it for himself and doesn’t care about giving you what you need. That will never change because the sex you want, comes from Love, and he doesn’t know what that means.
My gf and I get pretty rough and definitely have pushed our comfort zones a bit but there is communication and if either of us isn’t having a great time we would stop. It sounds like he’s just an ass who’s using your body to have sex with and not a partner who’s having a shared experience with you. I would think about if you want to be with someone like that. I wouldn’t
That’s sketchy as fuck him having sex with you in ways you don’t enjoy isn’t consensual sex
Porn-brain.
He really needs to stop watching porn.
And you need to reevaluate this relationship.
Do you want yo be with someone like that?
And it’s only gonna het worse. Much Much worse.
Look up porn addiction.
It’s messed up he’s not listening, you don’t sound compatible sexually. Porn isn’t real life and he needs to realise that, but not at your expense.
I’d be outta there.
You are way ahead of the game here in that you’ve actually communicated to your partner what you want and what you don’t like. So many people would try to hint and guide and avoid directness, so congrats! The bad part is you and your bf are not sexually compatible and he’s kind of a selfish asshole to boot. No fixing this one.
your bf’s brain is infested with porn. good luck
Dude is unbelievably selfish. He’s decided that sex is for him to enjoy and you are a prop more or less.
Tell me that I have a porn addiction, without saying I have a porn addiction……
He probably chokes the life out of his little snake
Leave him. The right man will enjoy sex with you any and every kind of way.
I would leave him! no matter how your relationship is otherwise, him not caring about your needs is the only thing important here. And since you don’t have experience in mature relationships you’ll not be able to fully see all the red flags 🚩
Find a new boyfriend
I would leave someone for this tbh. He only cares about himself. Why be with someone like that?
Like, there’s a time and a place for different kinds of sex imo. Sometimes fast and hard is great, other times slow and sensual is just what’s needed.
Find someone willing to be versatile and consider your needs. Cause this guy won’t.
He’s selfish. If both people don’t enjoy it then it sucks. Why not start gentle and end rough? It says a lot that he won’t please you but expects you to do whatever he wants. If you really don’t like rough and he only likes rough maybe you guys aren’t meant to be.
He doesn’t care about your pleasure clearly as he isn’t willing to compromise.
Honestly I’d say dump him. Usually these things don’t get fixed if the conversations ha e already been had and he’s unwilling to change. Your pleasure and boundaries are just as important as his. Stop having sex with a man who won’t put in the effort to please you.
Are you dating my ex lol this sounds exactly like him
Reading your comments, it doesn’t really feel like you don’t enjoy rough sex necessarily, it feels like you don’t enjoy sex with a person that doesn’t seem to put any effort into making you feel good, or into making sex a bonding moment.
Some people are into that, but even then I’d imagine usually not with their partner.
Everyone mentions porn as if that’s why he treats you like that, but even though there could be some truth to that and he could have skewed expectations, he should still like, value your wellbeing and pleasure regardless.
Get a new dude and try sex with them. He has no experience and won’t change how he does it for many years if at all
Are you having orgasms? And if not have you explained that you aren’t at all? But also this just sounds like he doesn’t care about your pleasure or feelings at all. “He can’t be nice when the testosterone is going” is just plain not true. Sex is a huge part of most relationships and I’m sorry but if he’s not respecting you in the bedroom it still counts as disrespect in the relationship. If this is something he won’t (not can’t) give you, then what is best for you is to leave.
>Me and my bf **were** in a relationship for slightly over a year
Your mind is already telling you what to do.
It’s obvious he doesn’t care about your experience. He only cares that he is having a good time. Not sure you can change that about him. He has to want to change. Sorry OP
Girl this is why you don’t date a porn addict. If a man tells you he watches porn then don’t even consider dating him or having sex with him. They are mentally ill and terrible in bed. They like to hurt women because that’s all they see in porn, they can’t have normal sex and will force you to do stuff you don’t like.
I know you will have to reject a lot of men, even men that you may like a lot, but it’s better for you.
He’s watched too much porn. That shits not realistic for most. He’s not listening to you and only seems to be concerned about what he likes. I’d dump him. You’re young and there are plenty of good men (or women) out there that would be happy to please you in a way that works for you both.