Men in long-term relationships, what is holding you back from proposing after several hints?

28 comments

1. It shouldn’t be a hint, it should be a flat out honest discussion about whether marriage is on the table and when, way before a proposal happens. You’d be asking a lot for a guy to make the biggest decision of his life on a hint alone.

2. maybe we don’t want to get married, or yet. or maybe we just don’t want to marry a specific person

3. I proposed to my girlfriend after dating for ten years, living together for most of it. The only thing that held me back was the expectation that I was meant to buy a ring that was impossible to afford, it was just social conditioning leading me to believe that this was the only way. Eventually I did spend a couple hundred dollars on a ring, and she loved it more than any 10k ring I could have bought. If I had worked through the ring anxiety earlier, I would have proposed earlier. Married for about 4 years now.

4. If you’re hinting at marriage rather than having an honest open ended discussion about it, consider that you’re not mature enough to get married.

5. I have no desire to be in a long term relationship where my partner still thinks giving hints is good enough for communication.

6. If she wants to get married that bad maybe, just maybe she should be the one proposing. I mean most people want equality, but I guess not that much equality.

7. 8 years in, nothing’s holding me back. Neither of us think marriage should be any part of our relationship. Happy as fuck, never even fought. No lame-ass hints, either.

8. Because we both agreed to never get married

9. I dont feel like it

10. No value in it. Less money, more responsibility and now a contract that the legal system can use against me. I would get braveheart married but found no takers yet.

11. Imagine being in a long-term relationship and instead of discussing marriage you decide to hint at it like a fucking schoolgirl

12. This is a good question. Unpopular opinion but whenever I meet a couple who has been together for like 10 years and then decide to get married I’m always like why did it take you ten years to determine you wanted to marry that person? The couples like this I know personally, waited because the husband was waiting to see if something better would come along and when it never did they finally agreed to marriage. So now I always just assume it’s something similar to that 🥲

13. divorce law

14. Marriage is risky, probably best to avoid it at this point. Hints are dumb, communicate like an adult.

    He’s not ready for a marriage. Or he not ready for a marriage with you.

15. Because I always maintained that I didn’t want to get married. It takes two to tango, and I’ve made my viewpoints on the matter very clear.
    If marriage is something you prioritize then you should find a partner who also values it. It’s simple really.

16. Unrealistic expectations. Cost of weddings and lack of requirement.

    Would you agree to a proposal knowing that it had a budget cap of $20,000 including clothing, ring, pre-events, ceremony, reception and honeymoon?

    Many men agree to co-habit with a woman falling for the convenience and economic rationale not understanding that she is expecting a ring to show up at some point. Not all women do but most do. What changes if you get married besides people not asking when you getting married?

17. You have to actually discuss it. Typically the proposal is just a formality. The decision to get married should more or less already be made.

18. Divorce is incredibly devastating for the man. I know it is risky for women also but most times the financial burden of divorce falls disproportionately on the male. In this economy with many young adults just scraping by this risk is too much to bear.

19. Divorce courts being insanely biased against men

20. I’m not gonna propose until she starts acting like a wife

21. (1) a life of celibacy (this is almost invariably what marriage ends up feeling like, for a man)
    (2) having to resort to porn
    (3) ruining a clean record by having to cheat
    (4) ruining a personality by being sexually neglected and frustrated, leading to depression, anger, resentment, bitterness, and becoming a jerk
    (5) knowing that, out of everything I build, I will only ever truly own 50% of it
    (6) ruining my body by having no time to do anything but work to pay for 2+, and by having the main reason to look good eliminated
    (7) losing money I’ve already earned, to pay for such things as her student debt, or the apartment she really wants, or unnecessary shopping – translating to losing time to do just about anything I enjoy and a general crushing of dreams
    (8) giving up activities I enjoy and dreams even regardless of the money/time issue, just because she doesn’t like them or they don’t jibe with her lifestyle/location/public image/whatever
    (9) giving up on like 50 sugar babies or, with luck, girlfriends, who would in the end be cheaper, hotter, more fun, more open-minded (in all sorts of ways), braver, more ambitious, more independent, more “initiatory” (new word, I promise), more knowledgeable of men, and frankly, more understanding.

    (1) is clearly the biggest reason, and the main cause for a handful of other reasons. Marriage doesn’t just mean the death of sex. It means the death of the right to sex. It means *no hope of ever having sex again.* Obviously, once you’re married, you are (morally and legally-financially) not allowed to have sex any more, *forever*, except with one person. As soon as she doesn’t want sex any more, congratulations on involuntary celibacy, forever. Singlehood is, quite literally, *infinitely* better. A single person has at least *some hope* of finding sex. A man doesn’t know loneliness until he’s married.

22. Marriage is the worst mistake men can make in relationships.

    Never forget: All relationships have an expiration date. No need to make that far more painful, and financially devastating, than it already will be.

23. For some men, it’s because although everything is comfortable and nothing is exactly *wrong,* it’s not quite right, either. They may not be able to articulate why, it is just a feeling.

    After the breakup, many of these men see what they’re looking for and get engaged quickly. They recognize what was missing before when they see it. It can hurt for their ex, but it simply means they weren’t a good fit.

24. The desire to retain my assets

25. I don’t see a reason to get married

26. Marriage is for women and suckers in 2023

    The juice just ain’t worth the squeeze

27. The fact I was up front about I’m not ever getting married.

28. If you want it talk about it directly.

    It doesn’t have to be about being held back. Its not an automatic progression everyone wants and would only avoid due to some obstacle.