Hello. The story is very long so I will be as brief as possible.
Basically my mother is extremely toxic, she isn’t supportive whatsoever, narcissistic selfish. She hates my husband and that hate is mutual.
But despite me going no contact on my birthday she always sends flowers, gifts, a card…
This year I was away on my birthday so delivery driver missed me and left a note. Husband was insisting for me to call and tell them to return to sender. I felt so guilty doing that, like my heart was breaking to pieces. I hoped they won’t try to redeliver as I knew this will create a huge issue… Plus I wasn’t 100% sure it was from her anyway
Today after over a week they did deliver. And my husband blamed me, that I actually wanted the flowers from my mother and intentionally didn’t call the company. He got very angry and he doesn’t understand how painful all of this to me is.
I asked him why he is blaming me, to which he said it was my choice to accept the flowers from the delivery and that I could have refused.
Now I feel like it’s all my fault. Also I just had a major surgery a month ago (kidney transplant) and the whole situation is just making me upset.
Should I send the flowers back and is my husband right? He did try for over 7 years with my mother, but it never worked out, so he is extremely patient usually.
Thanks
7 comments
Look, your husband is your soulmate and best friend and he will be around by your side longer than your toxic mother. Prioritise him or it will lead to resentment that will open up fissures in your marriage that can never be repaired. We’re assuming that your husband is normal, loving, caring and prioritises you over other people so return his efforts and stand by him.
This line of advice is given based upon your own description of your mother, she is extremely toxic, selfish and negative and hates your husband and your marriage to him. With this in mind it does not seem like he is trying to isolate you off from your support network, rather that he is trying to protect you and your marriage from a nasty saboteur who is seeking to break you and your husband up.
If it’s like that then just toss the flowers. And that will be the end of that. Obviously there’s more here, but with you just having major surgery and feeling caught up in the middle of things, this is imo is the best way to handle it.
So his suggestion is what people are advised to do when being love bombed by a toxic family member they’ve cut off. So he’s not technically wrong, but he doesn’t have a right to get upset at you for choosing what to do in regards with your own mom. Especially considering you’ve just had surgery! But he is probably wondering if this means you’re going to let your mom back in your life. Maybe you should reassure him that isn’t the case and just be open about your feelings – cutting off a parent is very painful.
Sorry but I disagree with the other advice here. Your husband is allowed to be no contact with your mom. From your description, it sounds justified. But he cannot control the relationship you have with her. You’re aware she is toxic and unhealthy but if you choose to touch hot fire, you’re an adult and have the right to do so. If he doesn’t want contact with your mom, she should not contact him. But he also shouldn’t try and control your contact with her. You prioritize your husband by protecting him from your mom. That includes not engaging in conversations that are negative about him or your relationship, if you share children, he should be able to express he doesn’t want them to be around your mom, he should never be in positions where she can make him uncomfortable and never be in his personal space. But unless you’ve agreed to also go no contact with her, his relationship (or lack there of) with your mother is independent from yours.
I certainly think if your mother is toxic there is little to no benefit to have her in your life. BUT your choice to do so should be respected as long as her involvement is limited to only YOU.
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The simple answer is yes he is right because you are agonizing over this just show how much your mother has control over your life.
Your husband is being a jerk.
The fact that you are no contact with your mom, I get. My husband did the same thing with his, she is a piece of work to be sure.
Your husband has no dog in this fight. I suspect he us equally controlling and narcissistic as your mom is. Hence the battle over controlling you.
Step back and assess his conduct objectively.
The fact that flowers were delivered is a whoopie-fucking-doo. If you don’t want them, give them to a nursing home or neighbor. This should do nothing more than raise an eyebrow.
He has NO business being pissy over a gift to you, wanted or not.
His rage represents his need to control you and exclude your mom, his competition.
Your mom sends the flowers, gifts as a means of asserting control in her own mind. No reason to acknowledge them to her. Just give them away, or enjoy them, who cares?!?
Good luck.