Hello! My boyfriend and I moved 1700 miles west from Indiana 6 months ago. We’ve been together 3 years. We built a small cabin together and now are staying in a hotel room for the winter (the cabin doesn’t have water or heat yet)
Since moving, we’ve had sex 3 times, I think. He’s gotten really into playing Pokemon TCG online, watching football or premier league for hours every day, and now getting into Valheim 2-8 hours per day. It’s been a long summer of working and building – he certainly deserves a break. And he still works on the property, like way hard, almost obsessively when the weather is good.
But otherwise, it’s screens and video games. I work and study part-time. I buy the food and building supplies, and pay property taxes. Id pay for a date, but he’s not interested.
He is a wonderful, sober, responsible man. But it doesn’t seem like he wants to be in a relationship. For months as I remember (I’m TRYING to be mindful for some obscure gestures), he hasn’t made any effort to make me feel good or act like he’s happy we’re together. We exist in parallel worlds and sometimes work outside together. He still talks to me about itineraries etc, but like a roommate.
Im trying to keep giving (cooking 9/10 meals, give affection, etc) but I’m questioning if its for nothing. I’ve rubbed his back in the morning and he’ll get up without looking at me or saying anything. At night I gave him a full body massage and foreplay til my mouth dried out and I was ready to fall asleep, but we didn’t talk about it. Sometimes I’ll say things that are meant to be supportive, and he thinks I’m making fun of him… which hurts a lot, im not a vindictive person at all. Also, I try to give him space. I don’t ask for sex every day or even touch him. I’m trying to be more consistent to kiss him goodbye etc so at least there is that.
Living on top of each other is probably some strain too, but I wish we could make fun out of it. Bro doesn’t even complain, just nothing.
Unfortunately this is a new account so no post history… We’ve been through some mild shit, no cheating. Petty really. He asked me marry him over a year ago, so I’m puzzled. I’m youngish and not ugly… I want to have sex and feel some affection.
So for fun, what do you think? Is it a problem I’m missing? He’s not on any meds, has old trauma etc. maybe hes just over me and doesn’t want to say? It’s also seasonal depression time. But goddamn if this dude doesn’t want to talk about anything but Pokemon or sports.
Tl;Dr bf hasn’t shown any interested in sex or moving our life forward for months and is spending lots of time on screens. Wonder whats up.
2 comments
There’s a lot of possibilities. But the most likely thing here is that he has the twin flaws of (1) channeling all his sexual / emotional energy into work and play when he has a partner: and (2) taking for granted the things you do.
The good news is, you can tell him so: “You’re in a danger of finding yourself alone. You treat me like a roommate, or a business partner at best, and that’s not really good enough for me.”
The bad news is, he’s likely to be clueless about how serious you are.
Can you fix this? You can try. You can have the talk. But people don’t usually change until they’re wounded or in danger of it.
I understand the struggle all too well. I gave it my best shot, but things remained the same. Even when there were glimmers of improvement, it always circled back to the same patterns.
Expressing my feelings didn’t make a difference. It felt like hitting a wall every time I tried. It’s disheartening when the person you love doesn’t prioritize you. Eventually, I realized that no matter what I did, the situation wouldn’t improve. So, I stopped trying, and the resentment grew until he chose to walk away.
But you know what? Despite the hardships, I’ve found happiness. While I didn’t take the initiative to end things because I lacked the courage, looking back, I consider it a blessing. It led me to a place where I’m genuinely content, free from the constant struggle and emotional strain of trying to salvage a relationship where my efforts went unappreciated.
You might choose to accept that things won’t change much. If you’re okay with that and willing to compromise to be with someone who constantly brings you down, that could be your choice. But truthfully, the chances of them changing are slim.