Have been seeing this guy for 3 months. We have had a lot of fun together. He has been clear about his intention in having a relationship and eventually a family from the start. I really like him and I can see he really likes me too. He is kind and genuine and we both find each other attractive. Sex has been amazing.
Communication has not been great however in between dates. I see him 2-3 times a week but in between dates we maybe only exchange 2-3 text messages every day. I previously communicated to him that this is very different from my experience and I’m struggling to connect with him because of this. And sometimes I didn’t even want to message because of how long he’d take to reply. He listened to my concerns and said he thought we had good connection but would work on communicating better. We are talking a bit more but not enough for me to feel comfortable talking to him about anything and for the connection to grow further (for me). On top of that, we haven’t really made any real progress in terms of moving to the next level. We have said a lot of things that alluded to something more serious and we are doing things that are very relationshipy. For example, we went on trips together, I introduced my friends to him, he planned and celebrated my birthday and so on. We have said a lot of sweet things to each other (the I miss yous and can’t wait to see you etc) and joked about how life would be if we were to get married etc, he hasn’t really been open in terms of his feelings for me and it’s putting doubts in my head.
Also, we are not really exclusive (we talked about how we view exclusivity and neither of us dates multiple people at the same time but we never agreed to be exclusive). The only thing that is stopping me from asking him where we are is this unsure feeling I have every day when we are apart. When we are together, things are great. When we are apart, he feels like a stranger to me. My friends seem to think we are basically bf/gf, he could be too afraid to ask and I should be the one who drives the relationship given how inexperienced he is (he only had a very short term relationship before).
What do you do when you feel unsure but still hope to have a future with the person you’re seeing?
26 comments
When you feel unsure you need to have a conversation with the person. Tell him how you’re feeling and see what he says. If you guys already talked about how you don’t multi date he may be under the impression you are in a relationship.
For what it’s worth I think his actions are showing his feelings for you. If you are a words of affirmation person maybe communicate that you need more of that. But it seems like if he’s prioritizing seeing you, planned a birthday, etc that is him indicating his interest. Do you want to be texting all day every day too? That’s not really sustainable for a real relationship imo.
You see each other 3x a week and youre sleeping together and cant ask him if you are exclusive? You’ve just got to ask him. You dont need to be anxious and tiptoe around him
Question- what is the “next level” that you’re looking to get to here?
You are basically in a relationship without the label. Why does the label matter?
Just tell him that you want him to text you more and ask him to be bf/gf, simple.
You should definitely just have a direct conversation with him about this. “Hey, I really enjoy the time we spend with each other and when we are together in person, it’s amazing. But then we are apart, it feels more distant so it makes me feel a bit unsure about how you feel. How are you feeling about next steps?”
If you’re joking about marriage and he’s planning your birthday, you should absolutely be allowed and empowered to ask him his thoughts on the status of your relationship. His answer will be very telling and IMO 3 months is plenty of time to know if you want to be exclusive or bf/gf with someone. So if he doesn’t know and can’t communicate his intentions at this point, it’s something to be wary of.
Oh whew I could have written this post two weeks ago. I’d be super clear about what you want and don’t assume anything.
I’ve tried this before but ended it earlier than 3 months.
The guy and I had very different communication styles that just didn’t mesh. I talked to him about it very early on and he did try to meet me half way but I still felt very disconnected from him when we weren’t together.
It’s okay to want more. And it’s okay to honor your needs.
You have to figure out if this is a dealbreaker for you. Only you know.
Maybe he can call sometimes instead?
To ask your question: I would have a serious talk with the person I’m dating.
Letting him know that you do enjoy your time together and you like him but you’re feeling disconnected when you aren’t together and that’s stopping you from progressing.
Ask for more messages/calls. (Again)
If he can’t give you more, you have to feel into your heart if you are okay with that.
And it’s okay if it’s not enough. Just be true to your self
First tell him how you feel and that you want to be exclusive and date only each other. Next with the communication thing texting isn’t great sometimes so find a way that works for both of you. Maybe a quick phone call one day btw would help. Also he might not be a texter and might have nothing to say some days.
Texting has changed the game and doesn’t always work.
I don’t think lack of connection or texting here is the issue tbh. 2-3 times a week is quite a bit imo. I see guys usually once a week in the beginning. And texting in-between, I usually like 1-3 texts a day because too much I feel like we run out of things to say in-person. So as long as we chat once a day with quality message ish I’m pretty happy with.
I think the lack of exclusive here is the issue for you. That’s driving you to feel like it isn’t going anywhere and feeling not connected. A connection will take time to build. Imo 3 months is my mark to becoming exclusive or else I’d start questioning if we’re on the same page.
I see where you’re coming from. A question though, given what you’ve said here…do you want to be exclusive? To me that seems like a moot point if you’re not feeling connected to him.
Another question, what exactly are your expectations for communication outside dates? Is it just the frequency or are you wanting more flirting, banter, compliments?
I will add that to me, joking about marriage and future stuff when you aren’t even official or exclusive is a red flag. Usually signals the person is not serious. IME people who are serious about a relationship with me don’t joke about things way into the future. They take concrete steps in the present moment, such as asking to be exclusive, connecting more with me, asking us to be official, etc.
I don’t mean to hijack, I’m asking for a friend but is texting more than 2-3 text message a day super important for most women? I… My friend hates texting and doesn’t text unless he has something to say and he is just curious if it’s really important and common.
That is a lot of communication, 2-3 text per day.
I’m in almost the same boat. See him 2x per week, 3-4 texts per day, and feel single when I’m not with him. My bf has also only had one short relationship before, and trying to explain that I don’t feel close to him feels like I’m talking to myself because he just doesn’t understand.
Personally I’ve decided to just let things unfold as they will in terms of taking things to the next level. I find that when I get too attached to outcomes I try too hard to force things. If I were you I’d stick it out and just see what happens. If several more months go by and this feeling hasn’t shifted, reevaluate.
How would you have dated before cell phones? Don’t let technology determine your relationships.
It seems like he is definitely into you. Just perhaps not naturally a good texter. Some ideas…
1. You could try asking if he’d like to talk on the phone while doing a chore like cooking dinner or driving.
2. Record a 30-60 second voice note and send it to him, mention how meaningful it would be to receive one back. They’re quick, easy, and often feel more emotionally impactful than a text message.
3. Send him photos throughout your day. Simple stuff like your outfit with a smile for him, a beautiful flower you saw on your walk, the book you’re reading. Show, don’t tell. Photos get more engagement than text; and they’re an easy way to overcome “writer’s block” (I have nothing to say).
4. Try some conversation starters. Mix up humorous vs. serious ones. You can google lists of these and pick ones that you think would spark a conversation between you guys. Some guys are happy to chat but struggle with leading the conversation.
We men have been burnt by texting too much. We have lost women and dates by not knowing. And most men hate texting. We just use it set the date and want to save the conversation for the date.
If you are meeting 3 times and the dates are amazing — I don’t think he is the problem. Maybe he doesn’t like texting. He prefers to meet in person.
Re: “taking things to the next level” — it comes down to communication. You both need to communicate and be radically honest about how you feel. That’s the only way.
I feel like you may be attached too much? Its making you paranoid? It seems fine to me and 3months is long time and seeing each other alot. I think a couple days apart doesnt hurt.
Modern dating has gone communication crazy! How do you think people had relationships when long distance calls cost money, or before the invention of the telephone? People just assumed the other party still felt the same way as the last time they had conversation in person. Nowadays it’s a constant outlay of effort to keep the relationship going and some of us have emotional highs/lows and life events that have nothing to do with the other person. Some of us need space to actually miss the other person so that we can achieve emotional highs when we are with our partner. If your boyfriend goes offline for 2-3 days, it is not an automatic assumption that he stopped loving you. Please, for the love of God, have some confidence that he’s just going about his life and don’t take it personally.
Lol you sound like my ex who overthought our relationship into the ground. It sounds like he already considers you his gf – if the title would make you more comfortable in the relationship, why not just ask? If he says no he doesn’t want exclusivity with you, you can move on. Tbh if he’s seeing you multiple times a week, going on trips with you and planning your bday, I doubt he’s putting that kind of effort in for some other woman at the same time or that he’s doing it all for the relationship to self-destruct. Most sane men are not going to talk about marriage with you, if they don’t see you as someone they could one day marry. One thing I learned from the experience was that communication is the only thing that’s going to breed the kind of connection you’re looking for – not text messages, not seeing each other 24/7, and definitely not expecting the other person to be a mindreader. If you need more from him, you need to check in with him and ask for it.
So having sex with someone is easy. Asking them if you’re in a relationship is hard? Oh you poor young women.
2-3 text messages a day is a lot, especially if you are seeing each other 2-3 times a week. i don’t see anything wrong with the text frequency, but it sounds like you both need to have a talk about the relationship status since it’s been 3 months
First of all, ask him if you’re exclusive. I think the issue here is you’ve voiced your concerns over the texting and nothing has changed. I had the same issue with my ex and ultimately it reflected him not meeting/ignoring a lot of my needs in general. Might not be an issue in your case but maybe something to reflect on.
Trust your gut. He’s not the one for you. If he actually cared he’d meet you halfway.
Maybe he’s simply not a texter? The guy I’m seeing is the worst at texting and doesn’t engage in long conversations via text, but deliberately. He thinks texting is too impersonal.
I think the fact you see each other 2-3x a week, have gone on trips together, have met each other’s friends, have great sex, etc., would make a lot of people feel secure in the relationship.
I think you’re putting too much emphasis on that one aspect of communicating with someone.
Are you someone that never feels secure when dating? Like is there always something bothering you/causing you anxiety no matter what the person is doing?
If there’s no connection after 3 months, you have to move on
What it looks like to me is not a lack of connection or lack of communication, it’s that you’re only 80% in, and telling yourself the reason you are unsure is due to ‘lack of communication/connection’.
If you’re not willing to go 100% into this relationship, it will just fizzle out. He’s probably ‘mirroring’ your 80% energy and sensing your uncertainty, that’s why he’s not going 100% either.
If you truly want to see if this relationship has a chance, you gotta go all in.
Stop tiptoeing around the issue. Stop blaming it on the lack of communication.
What does going all in look like?
Having an honest vulnerable conversation about being committed ‘bf/gf’.. and upping the level of intimacy in your conversations, stop withholding communicating between dates (just because he doesn’t), start texting him more, calling him more, wanting to see him more. Telling him how you truly feel more and more expressively.
Is there a chance he may get scared off? Yea, but at least you know it’s HIM and not you. At least you can walk away without any regret.
At least you know in your heart you gave it your all, and took a chance on real love.
Enough of this grey/middle zone of uncertainty. You’re the only one creating it.