I’m completely inexperienced 25M and have always approached dating with the idea that, with me not wanting to partake in hookup culture, sex is something that one does after they are officially dating and in a (monogamous, for me) relationship. However, from the impressions I’ve gotten and trends I’ve seen, it just seems more to be the likely case that relationships, and maybe even actual attraction for many, seems to start only after having had sex. Like, there are so many stories of people getting attached to a FWB or hookup, people entering long term relationships having expected just a fling, etc., on top of many people suggesting having sex early into dating to ensure sexual compatibility. Meanwhile, people like me who try to be compatible via personality seem to be seen as either having “””no spark””” or getting “friendzoned” (don’t think that’s a real thing fwiw but for lack of a better term).
Do I need to just completely rethink how I approach dating? So far I’ve wanted to meet someone, get to know them, and build up intimacy before even broaching sexual intimacy, but I’m worried that that approach is just not compatible with how people date and that I’ll be dooming myself to being perpetually single and unlovable for not trying to just go into sexual relationships.
Tldr, should I try looking for “short term relationships” and hookups hoping that they’ll be more likely to lead to a committed relationship? Or am I overthinking it?
7 comments
You’re definitely overthinking this. Approach dating the way you’re comfortable with. Everybody has their preferences, and you’re looking for a partner that has the same, or at least a very similar, preference as you. That’s what makes two people compatible.
If you change the way you approach this then you will be doing yourself a disservice. You won’t be yourself truly, and that’s what it’s all about. You’re looking for somebody who feels attracted to the real you!
That being said, in my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with flirting or signaling your interest to someone, whether that’s physical or emotional interest. Just be yourself, be honest, make your boundaries clear and I’m sure you’ll meet potential partners that you align with.
it isn’t THE norm, but it’s normal.
Honestly I prefer it (insert user name jokes). Gets a big obstacle out of the way. You learn if you’re physically compatible and if so you can move to emotional compatibility.
There’s nothing worse than emotional connection with no physical connection
What I’m reading right now is your attempt to legitimize participation in the HookUp culture. So go for it, if u want. I mean its obvious that people who accept hookups only want hookups and nothing serious
Here’s the thing, if you go on a date with someone who has a steady FWB,
They want to see if you are compatible in all the happy horseshit that isn’t sex. If you wait around for weeks or months you are going to be influenced by the fact you’re sex starved and she’s not going to feel any urgency at all. That’s a very bad start. So I understand OP’s concern.
Yes plenty of people have sex before being official. It’s up to you how you approach dating. It doesn’t have to be strictly one way or another. If you go with the flow and are having a good time with someone and it leads to sex, then that’s that. You get to know them sexually and otherwise and see if they would be a good partner for you or not. That’s all. Don’t overthink it.
You could go into dating looking strictly for a long term relationship, committing to someone, and a few months later you’re like nah they’re not for me.
Or you can take your time getting to know someone before you fully commit, and be like yeah I can see myself with them for the long haul.
You are beginning to figure out what’s been left unsaid all your life. It’s quite the revelation when you fully understand this.