TL;DR i said “I love you” and he only said “you’re safe with me”.
We’ve been together for 8 months, we’re both said we were the best thing that happened in each other’s lives, finally a mature and committed relationship from both sides – he tells me he likes me everytime he has the chance, we talk a lot about our feelings, we’re very empathetic with one another and we have quickly become each other’s best friend. We don’t live together, but sleep over regularly, like 4 nights/week at least.
Last night, we got a little emotional, because we both admitted that in the past weeks we haven’t communicated as much as before during the day, when we’re at work (like, we still send each other memes and little jokes, or updates, but no more loooong conversations during work, like we used to in the beginning). After asking each other if that should be a problem, we both concluded that “it’s normal, it’s the way a long-term relationship develops, and as long as we feel amazing when we meet in person, then why worry”. And from my POV it really is normal and texting non-stop is just… consuming.
This conclusion made me feel safe and understood and I considered it was the right time to say the three words that I had been feeling for a long time. “I love you”. The first time I would say and mean these words in my life (I’m 24).
But not just that… I said “look, the connection we have makes me not care at all about social constructs, about “who says what first”, so I am just gonna say what I feel and i do not expect a reply back, cause I don’t say it to get confirmation that you feel the same too, but to confess my feelings for you. I love you”.
And he didn’t say it back. He hugged me for minutes, very tight, I was shaking and trying hard not to cry, because it was the first time I ever got so vulnerable with someone and it was a big energy release. And he said “you’re safe with me”.
I know I told him that I’m not expecting a reply back, but deep down, an “i love you, too” would have helped.
I kinda feel like a fool now, but I also empathize with him and I can feel he’s not ready to say it yet… he hasn’t said it either to anyone else before.
Is it normal that I suffer so much now? Is it bad that I confessed my feelings? Is it ok that he didn’t say it back? My heart is breaking.
4 comments
How old is he. Look, you guys are fairly young and it’s been only 8 months. He might not be ready to say these words. Have a conversation with him and express yourself. It’s thr best you can do now. With time, he will understand your feelings and he will understand yours.
I don’t know the situation but I for one don’t say I love the people I do and feel uncomfortable when it’s said to me with the option of saying it back. Its not that I don’t love but saying it especially often looses the sincerity of the most sincere expression.
I am a woman, but I have been “that guy.” You do need to have a conversation with him and when I say this to you, I need you to understand that this takes on a *completely* different tone. It’s not a “wHy DiDn’T yOu SaY iT bAck” but more of a, “are there reasons why you’re afraid to say ‘I love you’?”
I’ve found that people who either grew up with a dysfunctional family system or whose parents were divorced, they (at least I did) fear the intimacy and vulnerability of those three little words. If he’s as empathetic as you describe him to be, it’s most definitely fear, at this point. Finding the underlying reason should be enough comfort until he feels safe enough to say that to you.
Have you ever just said in response, “you’re safe with me, too”?
Me and my bf dated for 10 months before we said it
And i was dropping him off at home and we were in front of his house and we were saying goodbye and being super slow about it. You know, very lovey and kissy and saying goodbye 5-6 times but still sitting there.
And I said “I really wanted to let you know that I care about you a lot and I don’t want you to feel pressured to say it back or anything but I just wanted to let you know. I really love you.”
And he looked at me with so much love in his eyes and said “I really think you’re really cool too”
Lol
And then I said it the next day and he said it back
He was also 23 and I was 25. And we’ve been together almost 4 years since then, and we say I love you to each other like 5-10x a day now. Good things take time