I have this one friend who constantly likes /wants to hold hands while walking or putting hands on me while sitting. I can tolerate if it’s one or two times. But for everyday thing, I can’t do it . I’ve told her I don’t like being touched multiple times but she told me she needs energy from touching friends. How do I negotiate without hurting her feelings or going beyond my boundaries?
6 comments
Plain and simple, she needs to respect consent and you do not like this and that should be enough! Her continuing this knowing you do not like it is incredibly problematic!
“I’m not a big toucher, so…” at that point you explain what IS okay, or just say “I’d prefer not to in general, nothing personal!”
Why does love language have to be involved in a friendship?
This sounds like a difference that will take some discussion and compromise from both sides.
I see you’ve been trying to tolerate some touch, and that’s admirable. You might consider – and discuss and try out – different touches and see if any are easier for you. You’ve mentioned hand-in-hand, and her hand on you. What about your hand on her instead? You’ll have more control this way because you can pull back your hand at any time, and that might make it more tolerable. Or, what about sitting side-by-side with just shoulders touching? Just Knees?
Or, if she would be satisfied with this, and you could tolerate this, perhaps bursts of touch – like a big hug at the beginning, but then hands off until the next big hug.
She says she needs energy from touching friends – you may just need to be blunt with her that you cannot willingly provide (much of) that energy, and she needs to get it from her other friends, but that you do want to stay friends.
Any sort of rejection stings at least a little, so you probably won’t be able to avoid hurting her feelings. But they’ll heal. It’s better to hurt them some now and have a good friendship going forward, then to slowly grow resentment and hate until the friendship falls apart in much more-hurt feelings.
Maybe you could ask her to inform you about the touch beforehand and ask if you would be ok with it? Maybe you could deal with touch if ot’s not out of the blue and with your consent.
>I’ve told her I don’t like being touched multiple times but she told me **she needs energy from touching friends.**
What does that even mean? Is she trying to steal your life force? /s
You’ve told her you don’t like being touched. She doesn’t get to offer you a “but I need X” after that. She doesn’t respect your feelings, so don’t worry so much about hurting hers. You’re asking her to *not* do something. It shouldn’t be that hard for her to adjust. What is *she* willing to do to maintain the friendship?