My 33F husband 36M have been married for 7 years now. He recently had his birthday a couple of months ago. We recently moved into a new place so I thought it would be a great way to bring in new memories here. His family is Jehova’s witness but he told me he discovered early on he didn’t want to be part of it once he grew up along with 2 of his siblings. The first birthday we spent together while dating was horrible, he told me I was being selfish in picking out clothes for him and he didn’t like that I was putting him on the spot. After that, I vowed to myself to not cry again or make a big effort and just made his birthday simple with no celebration just mostly a gift, a hug and a card. 5 months ago, he told me he felt like we were drifting apart and how he noticed I never really tried to make him feel special not even on his birthday. Now, 8 years later (on his birthday) I put together a cute decoration in the kitchen, just a simple table cover that’s his favorite color, a simple banner that says “Happy Birthday” and a couple of balloons and a bag with his gift. I was in the middle of making his favorite cake but since I’m 8m pregnant, pretty short and was a bit tired I asked him if he could put the “Happy Birthday” banner up with tape for me since I couldn’t reach and I apologized for ruining the surprise but I wanted the banner to look cute. He just looked at everything and said “thanks” with a monotone voice but gave me a kiss. I asked him what was wrong and asked if he liked it. He told me “yeah it’s nice thanks” but it didn’t seem authentic so I asked what was wrong and I apologized again for ruining the surprise. He told me I don’t know him and I told him I just wanted him to feel special and I know he didn’t get to celebrate his birthdays when he was little so I wanted to throw him a simple party with just him, our toddler and me before our baby gets here any day now. He told me there are other ways to make him feel special and that he appreciates the effort but that’s “not his scene” and he doesn’t like parties. I replied that it was only him, our toddler and me, his wife of 7 years. He told me if I wanted to do that I should have waited for our toddler to be at an age where they understood what a party was and then it would be justified. He said I’m throwing all of my ideas on him and that’s not what he wants on his birthday. He then told me that all he wants is a gift and I replied with telling him I felt it was selfish to think that way. He said that’s what’s a birthday is about and I told him that’s not what they are about. I’m confused as he was raised JW so I’m not sure if maybe on his own he came up with that idea that presents are the main thing. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
7 comments
He needs to tell you exactly what he wants if he’s going to be so picky about it
It definitely sounds like he expects specific things for his birthday and I’m sure it’s tied to the fact he wasn’t allowed to celebrate growing up. He shouldn’t get mad or upset and he should communicate with you directly about what he wants – but you did push him to tell you his feelings and he isn’t wrong for wanting to feel unburdened on his birthday. And I also think it was wrong for you to tell him that it was selfish that he just wanted a gift? It’s HIS birthday and if he didn’t want a party then that should be fine.
I’m also confused on the dating birthday – did you buy him clothes and he got upset about that? Can you elaborate on how you ‘put him on the spot’?
You both need to learn to communicate more effectively: Speak to be understood and listen to understand.
Just from your post, it seems like he never really wanted a party during your relationship yet, you thought it was important to make sure he had one… for you. Even if it was just immediate family, it was still a party.
He’s not actively JW, he has a way he was brought up and that has impacted who he is today. You didn’t hear what he was telling you.
Has he ever actually told you what he wants to happen on his birthday instead? It’s his job to tell you what he wants, it’s not your job to guess or read tea leaves or ask reddit. If he hasn’t actually said what he wants, and given you a chance to do it, then he’s just being an ass.
He said he didn’t want birthday stuff.
You did birthday stuff.
He got upset.
Lesson: don’t do birthday stuff.
You know what, I was raised in a “cult”, where happiness or celebrating was looked down upon and brought guilt. I grew up and joined a real religion, but it was still hard to get away from what was pounded into my brain when I was so young.
I used to jump in fear when my husband put a blanket on me in the living room. My mind wondered if he saw me as weak or if my kids thought I was lazy ….. stupid stuff like this. It took so much time to change my perspectives and realize it was an act of love. He was providing me a warm cover, not inflicting opportunities where others should judge me …..
I had a hard time accepting gifts or compliments. I didn’t know it was okay to throw out the old silverware set and get a new one. I felt selfish inside.
His patience paid off. I’ve finally learned how to relax, socialize and enjoy moments of life. When you are trained to see those as moments of guilt, it takes a lot to change.
Good luck. So sorry you are going through it.
Y’all are being out of pocket to op no way she’s “throwing the party for herself” LMFAO if that were the case I’m sure she’d be partying every day. It’s the goddamn thought that counts whether someone wants a party or not. To me that is an effort and he’s being backhanded; Especially if he not only got mad at the gifts she did provide for him and thought the decorations were lame, but then turned around saying she makes no effort on his birthdays. Op literally did the one freaking thing you do to “make an effort” for absolutely anyone’s birthday. He can’t bitch about not getting a birthday celebration if he bitches about receiving one. I’m sorry op, I hope he has a fatass birthday epiphany.