This situation started back on Monday night when I noticed that my fiancé’s mother posted a Facebook story post where a caption was placed over mine and my parents faces except for hers, my fiancé and his dad. I brought up this up to him and he defended his mom stating that she was excited to post it and that it was probably tech incompetence. He went on the defence essentially when I was expressing my hurt at this point. His mother has said many insensitive things to me over the past 4 years (please see my previous posts for reference).
Since then, he lashed out at me calling me toxic and that I am making everything about me. He created a Facebook group chat on messenger titled, “fight club” and threw me, his mom and his sister in it to “hash it out”. I left the group immediately and he told me to get back in it (I didn’t). He sent screenshots of my private messages to him in the chat to his mom and his sister and when called out, he said he wanted to them to know my feelings. Instead of just picking up the phone to talk about these things, he created the group instead.
When I went to my parents to cool off; he flew off the handle and had a meltdown. He blames me for the state he was in and for his emotions. When I had called him during his meltdown to check up on him, he said that I don’t accept his family. He tells everyone that he’s devastated and his heart is broken.
After all this, I felt betrayed, hurt and unheard. I ugly cried in front of my mom and told her how I felt and all that has happened. She was strong in that moment and said that she will support whatever decision I make, however that changes the next morning. She said that her and my dad have invested $17k already for our wedding and that it is too far gone to call it off. I said I’ll pay it back. She then said that my parents will lose their self respect if I do. “What will people say?” (We are indian).
I left my parents house to have the talk with my fiancé. I established a choice in my mind that if my fiancé gave me a crockpot of shit for excuses, I’ll leave. He apologized for it all, he called every member of his family and spoke for hours to have them understand what was wrong they did (he showed me phone records) and said he will put me first and prioritize me. He said he recognized he flew off the handle and that was wrong plus the sharing of the private’s messages. he said he will never do that again. He also said that he is starting to think that his mother may have done this intentionally.
I asked my fiancé why the anger on Monday. He said it was a combination of thing: I said a hurtful thing about his parents (I told him that his parents can keep their $500 wedding gift as they are gonna need it since they are poor. I did apologize immediately in person when I made that comment). That he feels he failed as a partner since he can’t provide what I want, that he was under stress, that he is tired about his mother. When he said all this, he was crying.
His mother said this to him “you should cut me out of your life if it helps” and “I couldn’t live with myself if I was the cause of failure”. When my fiancé called her about the things she did wrong, she excused them all. She even gave me a non apology “I’m sorry if I offended you”.
His dad blames me for his escalation. He was aware that my fiancé punched the wall two months ago due to stress, and minimized it because he too have done it in his youth.
His sister hasn’t reached out to me at all since this situation started. She was also blaming me “why should you be third partying her concerns?” Regarding his meltdown, “did she give you an ultimatum?”
I’m honestly so exhausted. I don’t know what to do anymore.
TLDR: My (32F) fiancé (44M) flew off the handle when I complained about his mom and my parents (60F, 64M) don’t want to call off the wedding.
29 comments
> She said that her and my dad have invested $17k already for our wedding and that it is too far gone to call it off
BS. You can ALWAYS back out of a wedding. Why jump into things when you know things are toxic and won’t last? Breaking up is a LOT easier than getting a divorce.
Overall, the caption thing sounds childish/ridiculous, but the way you talk…sounds like this is simply the last straw.
> and said he will put me first and prioritize me. He said he recognized he flew off the handle and that was wrong plus the sharing of the private’s messages. he said he will never do that again. He also said that he is starting to think that his mother may have done this intentionally.
This is a good first step, however, it doesn’t undo everything that has happened now and in the past 4 years.
There’s a LOT to work through, and for now, the wedding should be postponed no matter what. If you decide to continue this relationship (which you clearly shouldn’t), invest in individual, and if your therapist agrees, couple’s counseling. See how your fiancé acts, see what he does to work on himself (e.g. anger management should be non-negotiable RIGHT NOW….punching walls is concerning).
Can you at least postpone the wedding?
DO NOT MARRY THIS GROWN BOY!! If you are so toxic why does he want to marry you? So his family can use you as a punching bag and entertainment. Made a group chat called fight club? He is manipulative and it will be a fight to establish and maintain respectful boundaries around these people
You’re right. Scrap the plans. Don’t sacrifice your future for your parent‘s wishes.
The way you’re describing your fiance does not make your future look happy. If you marry this guy you are in for a rocky road ahead unnecessarily. Please don’t go through this wedding.
His parents were very very young when they had him (16M, 20D). It’s a large red flag to me that he’s so old and still acting very much like a Mama’s boy and that rage is an accepted normal response in his family. Fight Club? What kind of f’ed up family dynamics did he grow up in to think that was acceptable? They all sound like they have a lot of repressed anger, are extremely passive aggressive, and enmeshed. Has he had failed engagements prior to meeting you? Something is definitely OFF about his entire family. And I don’t believe that his mother would treat you any better if you do marry; quite the opposite, I think she now dislikes you even more than before!
AT LEAST pospone it. You have a lot of things to go through.
I was shocked to see your ages. I thought he was about 18-19.
Run for the hills. $17k is worth getting away from this loser.
At the very least you should postpone the wedding if you’re unsure what to do. If you’re sure you want to call it off, tell your mom that calling off a wedding is a lot cheaper than a divorce.
Is your fiancé and his family traditional? Is there an expectation you and he will care for them when they are older up to even moving in with you soon after the wedding?
I’d clear that up immediately before you wed if you are unsure about their future plans.
Hey listen, I’ve read your other posts, and everyone has told you ad nauseum what you should do, which is call it off, or at least postpone. I’m not sure if you’re still looking for another solution other than that or you’re looking for some validation to actually stay and go through with this whole farce but I don’t think you’re going to get it on Reddit.
I personally would have been gone when he punched a hole in the wall. It’s only a matter of time before the wall turns into your face.
What a shit show. Is this kind of chaos REALLY what you want to marry into???
Info: Does anyone actually care if you’re happy?
Break it off. Your fiance is rude and disrespectful to you and blames you for everything. You can back out of a wedding. He is showing you who he is, a petulant child.
Why do you keep posting this story? Almost EVERYONE has told you to call off the wedding. Listen to them. You’ve honestly got to worry about only about yourself in the end.
His words sound really good. Is it possible he is saying them to get you to forgive him and move forward rather than because he means it? Does he understand that he should be the one in the future who manages his parents and sister when they are rude to you? Is he willing to get help to manage his anger and out of control emotions? Therapy?
In Canada you can have a wedding, but if you don’t sign the marriage license you are not legally married. If he is very willing to work on the issues, and the wedding is soon, can you have the wedding but not make it a legal mariage until you are truly sure?
Indian here and the situation is going to escalate. Men like these don’t grow up and mothers find it an achievement that they birthed a boy. People shall discourage you about a divorce because thats looked down upon even more. Then you’ll be pressurised for having a kid. Cut your losses now and go low contact with even your parents and return their money in instalments till they apologise because nothing hurts more than getting back money from their daughter
This person is 44? Yikes.
Your parents are complaining about 17k being expensive but divorce is also expensive.
Op, it’s incredibly stupid and juvenile to think that you should get married simply bc you already paid for stuff. Your parent’s logic is shockingly shortsighted and immature.
Marriage is a huge legal commitment and – in theory – until death does your part. The money your parents already paid is worth nothing compared to you being stuck with a verbally abusive, terrible man who enables his abusive, terrible family. You will be wasting years of your life, and then wasting the money to get divorced. This is a FIANCE PROBLEM. The Mil is awful, sure, but it’s 100% a fiance problem and IMO postponing is the *minimum* here.
I’m glad he apologized and is backtracking, but that can be just an act – toxic people like him are amazing at sniffing out when you are at your wit’s end. And you were, you admit it – *you were going to leave.* I promise you, he sniffed that out like a pig sniffing truffles. And he miraculously said All The Right Things – bc he was trying to keep you, not because he magically abruptly and completely changed as a person…
Do not get married until you are certain this change sticks! They rarely do, but if it does stick, well you will just get married in a year or two. If it doesn’t, you just dodged a lot of misery. Divorce lawyers are pricey.
I’m here to say that if he punched a hole in the wall, he is unable to self-regulate his emotional life. I had the same thing happen in front of me once I was married. I became the physical target not a whole lot later.
A 44 year old man making a public “fight club” rant is an aggressive move that shows he doesn’t care about his own public image and certainly doesn’t give a rat’s bee-hind about keeping you emotionally or physically safe.
He is a mama’s boy AND a bully. He has proven he is emotionally immature and has no self-awareness. Count this entire series of outbursts as a gift from a higher power to prevent you from making this GIGANTIC mistake!
He may start taking YOUR money to send to his financially-stressed parents. If you marry this man-baby, and I hope to God you don’t, NEVER commingle your earnings or mix any of your own money with his. He appears to be a 44 year old user who will continue to use you throughout the whole marriage.
Your parents may be disappointed, but sooner or later they’ll get over it. You’re a young woman, and sooner or later, you’ll get over it. Your life and happiness is worth more than the $17,000!!!
Will be waisted more than 17k in layers, therapy, medication and fights if you marry into this crazy family.
Most important is waisting lifetime
Been in this situation and wish I never married him. I divorced him after 8 months. Don’t do it.
The $17k is gone. Marrying someone you don’t want to won’t make it come back. And living through a bad marriage will make veryone miserable and probably cost a lot more than $17k to end.
If you don’t want to marry this person, do not marry them. Let your parents feel embarrassed for a while. Better than you feeling unhappy your whole life.
He punched the wall previously; he’ll punch you next. Unless he abuses or kills a pet first. That’s very common.
Thank God he has shown you who he is BEFORE the wedding. This is the good part. It only gets worse from here. Once you are married you are stuck.
Ask your parents. “If I go on with the wedding will you support me if I am unhappy with him and set me up in my own place?” I do not think you should actually marry him but that question will tell you how much your parents actually care about your happiness. Your life or their money?
Please. Most women don’t get the explicit warning he’s given you. Never listen to what someone SAYS if what they DO is not acceptable.
Your family doesn’t sound much better than his family. Appearances are more important than the happiness and safety of their daughter? Can you two get away from both sides and work on your relationship before marriage?
Holy crap
he’s 44? I thought like 20 with how he’s acting.
Have you lost your ever- lovin’ mind?
this is right out of the abusers play book.
no change until you leave, then “I’ll change!” and before the ink is dry on the paperwork, it’ll be right back to how it was.
Op, do you want to deal with your dad being disappointed and embarrassed he lost money, or do you want to be *married and legally bound to an abuser who does not respect you*?
Your dad will get over it. Do NOT walk into a bad marriage knowing it’s already bad before it started.
Losing $17,000 is a small price to pay to get out of this horrific situation. Please do not marry this man-child. If this is how he acts before you’re “his,” imagine how much worse you life will be once you can’t escape.