How can I authentically have a nonchalant attitude and stop feeling inferior to everyone in public?

6 comments

1. Sounds like you’re essentially having a muted fight-or-flight type response in your body anytime people are around. You might have CPTSD.

   If you haven’t already, I highly recommend reading a book called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It’s arguably the most famous book on this topic, at least as far as popular/best selling readers go.

   You’ll likely encounter lots of ‘aha’ moments reading that book. At the end of the book, he outlines the ways to treat CPTSD such as EMDR, meditation, etc.

   Don’t know your financial situation but by far the most helpful thing would be to see a therapist that specializes in treating CPTSD patients and is familiar with these treatment paths. If you can’t afford that, there’s a YouTuber named Patrick Teahan who has some good videos on these topics. There are other books and communities that outline exercises you can do on your own, if you can’t afford therapy at the moment.

   But ultimately, this is an interpersonal problem and as such, the most profound solutions will be interpersonal too. Unpacking all the painful memories, naming the emotions accompanying them, letting all that pass through you, and most importantly, doing all of this in the company of another human being – is what’s going to free you.

   It’s been said that the treasures you seek are hiding behind the dragon you fear the most, and my experience is that’s absolutely true. I’ve been in your spot and done all of the above and it’s helped me immensely. Wishing you the best of luck.

2. What’s your circle of family & friends like now? I know the feeling you’re talking about, and I’ve found it really helps if I’m affirmed in the rest of my life. Then, at least, the times of overanalzying hell are the exception instead of the rule.

   The other path I’ve found to peace is to absolutely stop fighting the feeling. Accept it entirely, and it loses some potency. You can then experience it impartially; pick it up, inspect all sides, contemplate the weight of it. It’s now just a furious object in your path, not a harbinger of certain rejection. They’re just feelings, after all. They can’t be relied on to reflect any real truth.

   This is a day by day process, learning to distance ourselves from the experience of insecurity and fear. It doesn’t get better right away, as soon as you uncover some magical thought. And that’s okay! It’s good, even. It means we have more to learn about ourselves. And if there’s always more to discover, then we’re never without hope.

   Next time you’re in public and your parasympathetic nervous system is insisting that all eyes are on you, and judging you so harshly, take a breath. Slowly and with deliberation, draw air into your body, savor it, then release it. Do it again, if you want. Let breathing be an activity that holds your attention. *This* is who you are: a grown adult who has survived every challenge and trauma that the world has thrown at you. And you continue to walk tall. You move through this space of your own will, and you goddammit well told have a right to the space you inhabit. Breath. The air is sustaining you. You have everything you need to get everything you want. And you’re even stronger today than you were yesterday. If you can’t yet be proud of yourself, ar least acknowledge that you deserve respect. That’s obvious, isn’t it? Hell yeah it is.

   This will all get better, the more you focus on these incontrovertible facts. You are strong. You are brave. You survive. Go forth and be loved

3. Speak to a therapist

   Learn mindfulness – learn to recognise your emotions as they arise and accept them. I am sensitive in that I feel anxiety when i’m around people but I’ve learned that for me this is just strong emotion. Once I accept these feelings I can move past them and begin to feel comfortable. So I might feel shy/awkward/embarassed for a few seconds, then I start feeling more comfortable.

   You can’t stop yourself from feeling something – this is the wrong approach. You can feel it, accept it and move on.

4. To be fair, a lot of people who seem the most socially savvy are feeling this on the inside too.

   Comedians are notorious for social anxiety and depression. Narcissists are charming but it’s driven by deep seated panic. The vast majority of people drink as social lubricant.

   People work around or transmute their pain. You can absolutely face it (therapy is great) but you don’t have to wait until you’ve “beaten” it. Use it to try new things, make it a project.

   I hope you find a healthy way of being the person you want to be. By seeking this out you demonstrate you’re on a beneficial wholesome path. You’re facing fears and growing, which is commendable. So every step along the way is brave, every mistake a lesson, because you’re pursuing this with purpose. I hope you can be proud and even find it fun.

5. Meditate. Daily.

6. Looks like things like therapy and meditation have been mentioned here already.

   I would only add this –

   I liked what another redditor commented once about developing confidence:

   1. ⁠Get the negative voice in your head out of your head. I’m convinced that negative self-talk and obsessive ruminations lie at the core of a lack of self-confidence. That voice that tells you everyone thinks bad about you, you’re not good enough, you’re not…whatever, that voice is NOT you. It’s the enemy. When you hear that voice, tell it to shut up and get out. I mean that literally. Verbally tell that voice to shut up. Let your positive voice, or curious voice, or observant voice replace it. Anything but that voice. It HAS TO DIE!
   2. ⁠Accept your own death. This takes time, but it is essential. You are not going to live forever. And death is a real, tangible thing, not just some fantasy that will happen in the distant future. Your clock is ticking down to nothing and there’s no stopping it. So is the clock of the people you love. You’ll watch your parents die. Your grandparents. Your friends. They will be terrified, or in pain, or despondent. This WILL happen and nothing you say, think, or do can stop it. You must accept this as a truism and think of it whenever you can. And then accept that everything dies. Your happiness. Your pain. Your friendships. Your memories. All of it. Think of this too.
   3. ⁠Decide what you want your life to be. Once your inner voice is strong, and you know that all you have will leave you, you can choose what you want for yourself. If you are lucky enough to have a death bed, it is only your life you will look back upon. What anyone else thinks, does, or has will play no part in that. Did you find love? Did you enjoy your career? Did you see that beautiful place in the world? Did you satisfy your desires? Only you can answer these questions, and more importantly, only you can decide what questions matter to you.
   4. ⁠Know Yourself. Are you prone to anger? Have low emotional intelligence? Need a woman’s desire to feel whole? Are a terrible person but want to be better? Only you can know these things. Integrity is looking at yourself, and the world, without blinders, and knowing both your strengths and failings. This is hard, and hard to distinguish from that negative voice. But a true, objective understanding of the self, without judgment, is essential. Without it you are living a lie, and confidence must come from reality, not fantasy.

   Once you do these things, you won’t have confidence, but you will be confident. What I mean is, confidence isn’t really a feeling by itself. Confidence is knowing yourself for what you really are, good and bad, knowing your desires, and living your life as you see fit. You aren’t acting with confidence as much as you are acting with purpose and ignoring anything else. Even if the entire world thinks you’re an imbecile, your sense of self and purpose will remain unchallenged and unmoved.

   Having confidence doesn’t mean you act like you have confidence and is not an end goal in itself. Confidence is a symptom of a greater, complete sense of self.