I wasnt going to follow this up with another update, but I had a lot of comments asking for an update on my last update so here goes.
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/MfrQn96ySn
Update to the Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/geLTSNm1y1
I took a lot from the comments on my previous update.
I didn’t want to have anything to do with her SO and felt that, that should be her job.
But there were a lot of valid points to be made so I decided to have a chat with him.
I responded to my SIL’s text asking to meet with me and my wife. Told her I didnt think that was an appropriate next step, and that her partner should also be involved.
Her reply was that she needed time before telling him.
I stopped contact with her at this point.
I got in touch with her SO and asked if he could swing a visit without their child, and without the SIL.
He thought it was some elaborate Christmas gift or something we were planning.
He managed to get to ours yesterday, and we sat him down and told him it was nothing to do with Christmas. It was very serious. There’s a history of this, and that my wife was there because she could back me up on everything.
And that whatever happens we BOTH are going to be there for him.
My wife then told do him about what happened when we were younger and how my SIL felt about me back then. How it continued throughout the SIL’s relationships and shamefully, we didn’t act on it the way we should have.
I then told him about last weekend.
I expected a lot of anger, when in reality it was just lots of tears.
He asked me if we had ever slept together, I told him no, and reiterated that I never wanted any of this to happen and that both my wife and I are seeking therapy.
He had little bouts of anger come out, but not directed at me thankfully.
He muttered at one point that something added up, or something like that. I didnt really want to know, and I didnt press him for more.
He left, in a daze it seemed. And really not long after, my wife received a text from SIL asking why we told her partner.
I think this will be the last update.
I’m sure there will be more grief to come, but Im so glad this part is finally over.
Oddly, me and my wife have been really great since this all came out.
She regrets her actions in the past. Still keeps apologizing for not reacting how she should have. But were very loved up feeling. Wasnt expecting that.
She strongly feels the need to “claim me”….as she puts it, so that process has been fun.
I dont plan on seeing SIL again. My last words to her were urging her to find a therapist and stick to it.
My wifes in the same boat, though hasnt blocked her, still getting texts through from her but shes deleting them as they come and has told me shes done.
I hope somehow SIL and her SO can navigate their way through this, though my guts telling me its too far gone at this point. I hope they both get whatever help they need and they do the right thing by their child.
Still feeling very guilty, but I know thats par for the course.
Thank you to everyone who left their 2 cents.
I couldnt reply to everyone but I read every comment and private message that was sent. They meant a lot and some helped more than you could imagine. Really greatful for those that took the time.
Lots of people also mentioned taking legal action.
I wont be taking legal action, it will be a long drawn out process and lets be honest, if anything were to come of it, it wouldnt be substantial anyway. Id rather put this behind me asap and move on, than air this out legally.
Thanks everyone.
24 comments
I hope you and your wife are able to heal. Cutting your SIL is the right move, you’ve been far more gracious to her than required. Focus on you. I hope therapy is able to provide you with a self space to process these events and move on in good time.
I’m glad you and your wife have each other’s backs and are supporting each other, especially since telling the BIL had a lot of different potential outcomes but he deserved to know what his scummy wife was doing.
Best of luck moving forward for you guys.
I’m happy for such a happy ending OP. I wish you lots of healing!!❤️❤️❤️❤️
Good for you! I’m so glad you were brave enough to speak out rather than just playing it off as a joke. I know it’s difficult for you but please remember that you being brave enough probably means that someone reading your story will gain courage and also speak out in their own life because of you. You did good x
I cannot believe you are staying with your wife. She has serious mental issues to have been okay with this for so many years. There is truly no defense for allowing your sibling to sexually assault your partner for Y E A R S… forget allowing. She is and was sexually aroused by her own sister trying to get with her man.
Im glad that you’re happy somehow but I think you need to seriously re-consider your wife’s actions in all of this. If you had a brother or good friend who was going through this with his wife, you would tell them to run for the hills.
OP if this is the end, i happy for You and glad that your wife react this way (positively) and had your back. Also you both did a good job, it was obvius that your SIL will never tell her husband and wanted to just rug swept this.
Hope everything goes well for you and you Wife.
Good luck OP. And Update us if anything happens.
I just love these updates! I’m so happy for you and your wife, on the road to recovery from this. This is exactly how it should be handled, y’all are rocking it!
So they destroyed the sister life but its all good and well because this had brought these two together?
fakeeeeeeee
You need to talk to a therapist by yourself. Your wife doesn’t seem to be the healthiest choice either. Why would she involve you in contacting her sister? What’s different about this time that she feels bad?
From a stranger I’m proud of you and how you have handled this. Your wife has now opened her eyes and isn’t in denial and is really there for you. I know you still have a hard path with everything but you have each other now and you are making good decisions.
I am sorry you were assaulted by someone you should have been able to trust. How awful. Maybe the SIL will turn out for the better from therapy. She clearly has issues with getting excited about nonconsent. I hope she can be a good mother.
Good luck to you most of all, OP !
I read your previous posts and I feel for you. The initial phase when it happens, all conflicted as it was pushed down the rug cause everyone around you pretended to be normal despite of knowing it. Then years go by but time to time the pain comes back. Then one day it is too much take. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I am happy that you got to confront abuser and wish you luck with whatever decision you take ahead. It will be your choice, only and only yours. Also happy that you are on path to recovery and healing. Sending lots of love and warm wishes.
Damn, and they have a child?!
Wow, SIL defo needs help
I think the fact that it was never addressed properly with boundaries made her believe that she had a right to you. I mean, many years of this? For sure
I wish the best to everyone involved
May you and your wife heal together in therapy ♥️
Well I’m glad you both told him as SILs response “why did you tell him?” shows that she never planned on telling him even though she acted like she would! I still think your wife is just as guilty as SIL and her actions are just too little too late! I mean…they both pushed and pushed and pushed you FOR YEARS and only NOW that you won’t take it anymore does wife have a problem with what happened. She would have never said a thing to her sister if you didn’t practically have a breakdown over it…so you’ll need to get right with that if you want to try to stay with her because she clearly will not have the difficult conversations even when another woman is touching your penis! She’s just as much your abuser as her sister is and for true healing you need them both out of your life!
I guess I just can’t imagine letting someone touch my BF or husbands penis and not loosing my mind, but maybe I care more about him than she does about you? Don’t know…but good luck!
Happy this was a good update but man your wife got off easy here. And the wanting to “claim you” just comes off the heels of getting off from sharing you. Either way, pursue therapy alone, I’m sure there a lot you need to work through and process without your wife present
>Still keeps apologizing for not reacting how she should have. But were very loved up feeling. Wasnt expecting that. She strongly feels the need to “claim me”….as she puts it, so that process has been fun.
Anyone else feeling icky about this? So many years of letting it just happen KNOWING how her sister felt, finally getting called out on it and love bombing him to kingdom come now?…
You and your wife sound like wonderful humans with a beautiful relationship! I can’t even imagine how hard this has been for you two, but it sounds like you’ve handled it wonderfully as a couple!
Your wife sounds a bit weird tbh mate. She’s an enabler and now going OTT on the affection and saying she needs to “claim you” is suggesting that she is turned on by this whole thing. Something is off about both women, I’d be outta there.
the fact you’re staying with your wife is….very saddening.
if the genders were swapped people would be calling for a divorce in these comments. idk. i don’t like the way male sexual assault is dealt with on reddit.
What. I just read the original post and didn’t even get through the first paragraph. I don’t know anything else, but your wife doesn’t care about your safety. You should have more respect for yourself and leave. There’s a whole world out there.
Now that you’ve dealt with one abuser, get into solo therapy and find the courage to deal with the other one. Your wife.
With the BIL whispering, “It all adds up” under his breath, does anyone think this just comes across as so fake?