How did you find out the girl you were interested in had a traumatic past?

21 comments

1. [deleted]

2. [deleted]

3. The one I’m casually dating now said it. She initially lied about the nature of the trauma, but I figured out that she was lying after a couple of months and confronted her. It turned out to be significantly worse. She was a sex trafficking victim for years. And the therapy she got for it was completely ineffective. We have been working through it for most of this year. Strangely enough, what’s helping are some exercises I’ve learned in my men’s group to do with other men to help deal with their ability to share emotions. Her self esteem is much improved.

4. Just talking. These things often come up at some point.

5. At least one in five women in the US has been raped. Nearly all have been sexually harassed. Best to just assume that a woman has had some trauma, but let her tell you when if intrudes into your relationship.

6. My mother was severely abused as a child. I started noticing the same behaviors my mom had in my at the time girlfriend. I pushed maybe a bit harder than I should have but when it started to come out, it was BAD. But it did encourage her to get into therapy and by the time we broke up she was doing better.

7. When we were out on our date, she told me all about it, over, and over, it was all we talked about for the whole date. I am a farmer and a truck driver not a therapist, she definitely needed a therapist. She was a nice girl, but she did not need to be dating.

8. She told me.

9. She told me when I asked about the scars on her arm on our first date.

10. Mostly because they tell me. Also if they adore one parent and hate the other it’s kind of a sign.

11. They just tell me outright or randomly while we’re having deep conversations. Either that or I can just guess by the way they interact with others & speak about/treat themselves.

12. Everyone has some form of trauma. Some worse than others but still.

    I’ll start to listen and “Validate” when I have a real connection with her and she isn’t a stranger anymore. Telling me all her trauma in the first date or meeting is way too much.

    Men I become friends with have trauma too. No one has had a perfect past.

    Sorry, just tired of this trend of people wearing their past trauma like a badge with this “It’s all about me” attitude. See it way too often.. especially when people use their past trauma as an excuse to be a jerk to others

    My question.. would she also be willing to listen to my past trauma if I heard hers or would she brush it off as “You’re a man so I’ve had it worse”?

    Because some seem to want the man to do all the emotional support but then don’t want to hear the man talk about what bothers him

    So it depends on if I’ve developed a close connection with her where I would care about her and if she is also willing to show me the same attitude back if I give her a lending ear

    I do NOT under any circumstance want to be in a relationship with a woman who expects me to show her emotional support when she opens up to me but if I open up to her.. she says something like “I’m not your therapist”

13. She was 100% against a certain sexual act.

14. Aren’t they telling you either way these days, even without doing anything specific?

15. After close to a year of dating, and after I had totally fallen for her, she gradually started confessing things to me. One night she told me she had been raped by her boyfriend’s brother, and her BF wound up committing suicide. Can you fucking imagine how awful the situation was? She’s been carrying that around her entire life. Incredibly wonderful sweet person, I think the world of her. I wish I could take all that away.

16. I figured it out, and then got her talking based on the assumption that she had already told me. She then felt more comfortable clarifying things. It seemed to be a lot easier for her emotionally.

17. She was born after 1990

18. to a certain extent, many people have.

19. I have realised that if I am attracted to her, she has a history of trauma. It would be really funny if it wasn’t so weird.

20. After marring her she told me. It opened my eyes to a lot of reasons why she was so impossible to deal with.

21. OARS – Open-ended questions, Affirmations, Reflections, and Summary. To use this, you have to know someone a little bit. You make them comfortable enough to open up to you, then you use OARS and they spill the beans (or the “tea” as the kids say). Open-ended questions – “I noticed you’re a bit hesitant to talk about [x] topic. What happened that makes you hesitant?” That’s an open-ended question (not a “yes” or “no” question). “What happened?” = open-ended vs “Wanna talk about it?” which is a yes or a no. Affirmations = “that must have been hard for you.” You’re affirming their reason for being upset by the trauma. That statement, “that must uave been really hard for you.” elicits the kind of response like “yeah, it really hurt me and I’ve hard a hard time moving on from it.” Reflections = “it sounds like when [x] happened, it kind of changed how you feel about [x].” Which elicits a response like, “yeah, it really has.” And they will probably share a lot more because you’ve allowed them to do so. You’ve given them an outlet. Summary is essentially repeating back the whole scenario. This process is called motivational interviewing, and the goal is to eventually help them to arrive at their own solution. You don’t offer solutions. You just let them talk and eventually they arrive at their own solution, or they just feel better about it because you allowed them to vent. It’s therapy 101, and you shouldn’t be anyone’s therapist, but it’s barebones therapy. You’re not trying to cure anything. You’re just letting them vent, and potentially arrive at a solution on their own. It’s a great way to make someone feel better about trauma because they may find some catharsis (on their own), or they just feel a little bit of a weight has been lifted. Again, I don’t offer solutions. Just let them vent or come up with their own solution. It works really well.