So my bf (27m) and I (22f) have been dating for a month and a half but have been seeing eachother for about 2/3 months and I’m terrified he’s going to get annoyed or start thinking that I’m only with him for sex. I got out of a 4 year abusive relationship about 6 months ago and wasnt looking for anything serious but when I got to know him I knew that Iwanted him in my life as a partner for a long time. Hes the most amazing person in myeyes and he treats me like a princess, he makes sure Im always confortable and safe. He makes sure I eat and drink water everyday and just overall is very dedicated to making sure I’m taken care of. Ive never really been very okay with sexual activity of any kind ive been uncomfortable with it since I first started having sex. In all of my relationships its been help over my head after my s/o did anything for me. Hes the first person thats treated me properly and it puts my head in a state of pure bliss and I really dont want to lose him. I am constantly horny around him and im alway asking to give him oral or to have sex wth him and when he says no it hurts to the point where i start crying. He says no when the situation is inappropriate or when hes just not feelingit and i understand Why; It’s often like 6/7 times a day. Is there any way for me to calm down? I feel like im annoying him and i dont want to.
8 comments
I honestly would love to have a partner like you even though 7x a day, every day can be exhausting.
I would say give hime some space some day.
Pump the breaks a little bit. Have you guys had a conversation about how often you both ideally would like sex? In any long term relationship there’s going to be give and take. You guys are two individuals with your own wants and desires and you gotta find a happy medium. And maybe sometimes you guys will go through periods of a lot of sex and sometimes it’ll be lighter. It ebbs and flows. Sex drive is subject to a lot of different variables such as stress.
I’m imagining myself in your shoes. I have a higher sex drive than my wife. I’m the one who initiates it. I can’t be constantly pushing for sex. I gotta read the room sometimes. I know that just because she doesn’t want sex at the moment doesn’t mean she’s not attracted to me, she’s just not in the right headspace. You gotta understand that not wanting sex doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you.
Do you masturbate? 6/7 x a day is insane haha
I would suggest a bit of counselling might be in order here. Wanting a lot of sex in a new relationship is normal.
But that many times a day, simply is not sustainable for most people. Also, crying when your advances are not reciprocated, especially that many times a day, may indicate rejection/abandonment issues.
It sounds like you entered this relationship fairly soon after ending a long term, unhealthy relationship. If that’s the case there will need to be some stuff to ‘unpack’ around that.
If you’re really interested in this guy, some of your sex drive may boil down to a subconscious strategy for ‘mate retention’. A bit of a wanky way of saying, if you don’t feel like you bring anything of value to the relationship, because trauma has your sense of self worth through the floor, then perhaps you’re using sex as a way of ‘proving’ yourself to him. Especially since you said that sex has never really interested you in previous relationships.
With absolute respect – this is a terrible pattern to start. It’s sort of like the female equivalent of love bombing. It’s not sustainable, and can actually have the opposite of the desired effect. A healthy relationship requires both parties to give and take. If you are constantly pursuing your partner, without giving him the opportunity pursue you, it can create… almost like an imbalance of power in the dynamic. Please don’t do that to yourself.
Obviously I don’t know you – I’m just going off the info you’ve provided – and I could be absolutely off base here. In any-case, I think all of this is worth fleshing out with a shrink (a good one – pls check out reviews etc.)
Good luck.
It’s ok to want a lot of sex. It’s not ok to cry if your partner says no. That’s incredibly manipulative and could be considered coercion.
You need therapy to figure out why you’re having such a strong reaction.
You need to calm down.
If you left a long term abusive relationship 6 months ago and started “seeing” this guy 3 months ago then you haven’t given yourself time to heal and you need to focus on that right now.
If you truly want this person to be in your life long term then you need to make that a priority because otherwise this relationship is going to crash and burn.
The crying when he says no thing is super manipulative, whether that’s your intention or not. I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about how much sex is ideal for both of you then stick with that instead of asking numerous times a day then crying when he says no. Which, for the record, most people would say no to because being asked numerous times a day for sex sounds exhausting.
Never stop
He will never leave you, trust me he won’t
>when he says no it hurts to the point where i start crying
Personally, I would stop liking someone who responded in a way that made me feel guilty for practicing my right to consent. You have to learn to accept “no” and not cry just because your partner doesn’t want it in that moment. It’s uncomfortable and emotionally coercive.
EDIT: I just realized you said it’s 6-7 times *a day*. That sounds like a sex addiction. And personally, I would feel borderline harassed if my partner asked that often.