i’m not really sure how to word it. i think it comes down to cultural differences but i don’t know.
i have never been invited to any holidays with my partner, ever. we have been together for over 2 years and while i understand holidays are for family time, i can’t help but feel like an accessory to my partner. we are in a long term relationship. christmas, thanksgiving, anything you can think of we have never spent together. Neither birthdays or valentines day.
my parents are really big on inviting my partner to holidays (even birthdays), offering him to stay with us, eat with us, do anything, but it’s never reciprocated. they consider him a part of my family but i’m not considered a part of his, or at least i am but not to the extent that we can spend holidays together. he always brings up that they spent holidays with his aunt in a special location (she’s rich) and that it’s expensive to bring another person, but idk. it just feels like a low blow. my parents have always provided for him and considered him his own, taking him out to expensive meals, vacations and such (we don’t celebrate thanksgiving). like you can’t bother to ask if i can come or what? my family is also much smaller than his which is probably why but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. i think what started this whole spiraling was when my parents asked if i was invited to spend thanksgiving with him and i said no. i feel like an accessory. i have all the perks of being a partner but not the long term aspects.
TLDR: am i, a long term partner, in the wrong for feeling like i’m an accessory to my partner for never being invited to spend holidays with him when my parents always invite him? in our over two years together we have never spent a big holiday together. he brings up the fact that it’s expensive to host another person for the holidays, but i wouldn’t mind having to chip in an amount if he at least ASKED if i could spend the time
4 comments
I think you and your family like him way more than they like you.
Questions:
– Are other unmarried SOs invited to these gatherings?
– Are they all held in a place you’d need to travel to, and would you require that your travel be paid for by them?
– Doesn’t your boyfriend choose what he does for his birthday? Why does he not choose to do something with you?
– You mentioned Valentine’s Day: does his family do a family Valentine’s thing, or is that a separate issue?
– Have you met his family? What about any childhood friends?
You guys are really young, for most of your relationship you have been a minor. It’s pretty uncommon for families to invite teenage underaged gfs/bfs along on family vacations and to family holidays. It’s nice that your family does that, but they are the exception, not the rule. You could talk to him about it, but you might have to wait until you’re a bit older and more serious to get invited to these things. Don’t take it personally.
On the other hand, birthdays and valentines day are things that you would normally celebrate together with your bf. If he has never done anything for you on your birthday or valenites day, that’s a little strange.
I think it could very well be a family culture type thing. You are very young and I suppose relationships at that age aren’t always viewed as permanent parts of the family the same way they are for adults who get new partners. Some families only want a small group around so tend to exclude people they don’t view as a core part of the family. My family is very blended and very much the more the merrier. At your age i had a long term boyfriend who was always invited to family gatherings but he often didn’t want to go because he felt like he wasn’t ‘family enough’ to be there. His family were very small and tight knit so I wasn’t often invited around to their events and tbh i didn’t want to go anyway as I was made to feel like I was intruding. You are very young and maybe the family may welcome you more once the relationship is longer or you are a bit older or you have hit relationship milestones like living together or marriage or kids. I know it seems unfair that you have to ‘earn’ your place in the family and it is, especially to those of us who’s families are more welcoming. But you won’t be able to change his family culture so i suppose its your decision as to whether you want to stick it out or you want to opt out.