For reference, he’s 13 years older than me. So our sex life was great at first but over the last six months or so it’s gone from sex once a day to sex once a week if I’m lucky. I have an extremely high libido so it’s frustrating, he just isn’t interested. He uses the typical “I’m tired” excuses most of the time when I’m in the mood. Even worse, when we do have sex he seems unenthusiastic half the time and can’t perform. (It didn’t used to be this way.) I would never want to shame a man for his inability to perform but as said, I’m sexually frustrated and it also makes me feel extremely unsexy when this happens. I feel like I’m not good enough to excite or satisfy him. I’m a fit young woman, 5’3” and 104lbs with great hygiene. Our relationship is in a rough spot in multiple categories right now. This brings me to my main concern, the time we started drifting apart correlates with the time he got a new coworker, let’s call her Alice. Since the beginning I’ve known his main type is Latina women, which Alice is. (I’m Asian) I’ve never seen her but I know she is his type. I can tell he likes her, at this point he brings her up several times a day completely unprompted. It’s offensive because he knows I have trust issues, he knows I’m untrusting and insecure and he’s still behaving like this. Alice is closer to his age, which makes me insecure also because I know I’m not as mature and successful as he would like. My husband treats me pretty well otherwise, he’s super supportive and I rely on him financially. I don’t want to leave him. (I‘m overseas with him, separation would not be an easy process.) I just don’t know what to do about the fact that I’m not his type and he’s having an emotional affair with his coworker. I don’t want to assume he’s been physical with her, he knows that if he does that I will leave. 100% he is into her though. They had a whole bet together about who had to make tamales for the office and guess who had to help him make those tamales the other day. Today he brought her up a bunch over the phone and I just hung up. He asked later if I was pissed at him, I just told him “Yes, but I don’t want to talk about it.” I am reluctant to confront him because I want him to keep oversharing about Alice, I need as much info as possible and if I confront him he will realize he’s exposed his secret crush and cover his tracks moving forward. This is the only man I’ve ever been with. Why can’t I ever be the dream girl? Why can’t I satisfy him? How do I fix this without ending the marriage? I could go on and on, I just need help.
12 comments
You will leave if he has a physical affair, but won’t leave over an emotional affair. Is that correct?
You need to tell him how you feel. Don’t sit on the feelings! It will rot your relationship. A successful relationship relies on the ability to be honest with each other.
Your feelings are valid and you should calmly talk to him about how you feel
Outsider’s perspective:
-you are untrusting and insecure, in your own words
-he is being very transparent and not sneaking around with this friendship
Is there any way to make their friendship more appropriate? What if you were invited into the friendship? Does that sound like a realistic goal? I don’t think mixed gender friendships are inherently wrong but there should be plenty of communication between the married couple about it.
I’m curious about your ages. If you’re 18 and 31 it’s very different than 30 and 43.
I am also curious what your ages are? It makes a difference
A great book to read is, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It discusses how “just friends” (work/social) can easily become emotional and physical affairs by slowly eroding boundaries. You can then discuss how to make personal and marriage boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage.
But, you must work in these issues before they become entrenched.
Your husband has a duty to ensure that your sexual needs are fulfilled. If you feel unsatisfied with the infrequent (and unenthusiastic) sex in your marriage, you must bring it up with him. If he cared about you he’d care about your need for intimacy.
Yes, you DO want to talk about this. NOW would be a good time.
Girl you’re 22. You can have anyone you want. Find a way to leave him.
Jesus my wife only lets me have sex once per month and has been like that for 15 years.
Personally emotional affairs are more painful than a fling, bc they are choosing the emotional affair over you being their emotional love. Which is what ties a hearts together.
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I’m just gonna address one point since people already commented on the rest. You say you are insecure because she is successful. Men normally couldn’t care less about how professionally successful a woman is. It is something very low on men’s list of priorities