I am 23f and about to get married in December to my fiance 28m. I met him on my sister’s 18th birthday party (she’s 21 now). Turns out he was the older brother of her then boyfriend and she had developed a crush on him and her motive for inviting him was to cheat on her then boyfriend.
But he was immediately interested in me and basically spent the whole party trying to woo me and ignored everyone else. We chatted all night and when he left, I gave him my number so we could meet up later. She was obviously upset and confronted me later on, telling me I was being a b*tch and trying to take away her crush. I was upset by her name calling and ridiculous behavior so when my fiance texted me, I told him everything.
Her boyfriend broke up with her obviously and that was the “final straw” for my parents. They said I had ruined my sister’s life out of jealousy and that they were done with me. They forbid me from talking to my fiance ever again if I wished to keep any chance of future reconciliation open.
I left the house the next day and went to stay with my uncle whose house was closer to my college anyway and for the last 2 years, I’ve had basically no contact with my parents or sister. I did start dating my fiance though. Now, 3 weeks ago, he proposed and I said yes. I posted on my social media. I was with my uncle, fiance, his whole family and our friends. My sister saw it and went crazy (apparently she hadn’t blocked me as I thought she had). She called me up, calling me a “smug b*tch” and thief and s*ut. My parents called me too, telling me I was a disappointment and purposely doing all this to hurt my sister. They refused to congratulate me and swore they’d not come to my wedding or let anyone in our family be a part of it. Since then, aside from my uncle, most of my family has refused contact with me and encouraged my uncle to drop my wedding too.
I’m just so confused and have no idea what to do. Is there anyway to same sense of this mess? I don’t particularly miss them but it’s my wedding, I did hope they’d be happy for me. So, can anyone help me?
36 comments
Damn, what a story. I’m just baffled on why your parents have held that grudge against you and your boyfriend for so long. I mean it’s been 3 years, you’re still together so it seems you were the right match. And he was the one interested in you in the beginning, it wasn’t even like you were deliberately trying to take your sisters crush away from her. Yeah, idk what advice to even give lol, but that’s unfortunate. Atleast you have your uncles side of your family in support. That’s a positive.
You could make another post on your Social Media basically telling this story.
Or you could just express (again on you SM) that you’re really hoping that the extended family will be able to attend, and that you hope your parents disowning you won’t hinder your ability to keep ties with the rest of the family, because you really miss having them all in your life.
So your parents support your sister’s decision to cheat on her then boyfriend? Would your mother support her husband cheating on her? Do they know the meaning of the word hypocrisy?
Your family sounds unhinged, if your extended family blindly follows what they say, I would just block them all and enjoy the family you do have.
Good riddance. Your parents are AH and your sister is an AH.
Why would even want them at your wedding? They enabled a 18 year old who had a tantrum and who was planning to cheat with her BF’s brother who was almost 10 years older?
They are all crazy. Why would you even want them there? So they ruin your wedding?
OP if they support your parents and sister then do you really care or want them in your life. Your sister sounds like a spoiled brat who will only end up being drama and trouble for everyone around her with her entitled behaviour.
What a family you had, lol. Congrats tho.
Your family is certifiably crazy. You are the only one with any ethics and morals outside of the uncle! I’m very glad your uncle is normal. Listen to him, and continue to be very low or no contact with your insane birth family. Get security, make sure they are not allowed in your wedding at all, they WILL make a scene and sis will probably try to sleep with one of the groomsmen, your husband, or something along those lines. No invites, and security just in case. Who are we kidding. With their warped ideas of what’s right, they WILL show up to cause problems.
If the extended family seems normal but just misinformed, go ahead and let them know what’s going on. Hell, just point them to this thread! If they know and continue to blame you then cut them out too. You have a new family with your husband and your in-laws, take advantage of it to cut out the poison plant that’s your family tree.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this but very glad for your uncle and your new family. You might consider having your uncle walk you down the aisle.
EDITED TO ADD: BE WARNED!!!! As soon as they find out there’s a grandkid, they will try very very hard to get back into your life. You’ve seen how they are as parents and how they influenced your sister. If/when you do start a family? Your husband should be telling you to keep the babies and kids far away from them and you should listen. They will suddenly be all sweet and loving and generous but it’s the grandparent bug. They are the same old AHs just with a goal.
Honestly I’d be surprised if you invited your parents and your sister at all to the wedding. And you didn’t steal anything. They weren’t even dating. Block them on everything. If you haven’t needed them in two years you don’t need them now. Then go plan your wedding and be extremely happy. If your side of the family wants to throw a fit over it let them.
I hope your uncle stays by your side, everyone else can kick rocks.
Celebrate your love and marriage.
Sister’s crush was never returned and she can stay away.
Cool story bro 😎
I wouldn’t worry about it. Don’t invite them to the wedding and go on to have a happy life with your new husband. Obviously your sister has been incredibly spoiled and coddled by your parents, in his obviously the favorite child. Even if you went back begging on your hands and knees and said you’d break up with your boyfriend you know the minute that happened she’d be going after him anyway cuz she wants him. And you got him and she’s pissed.
Sorry but your sister is your parents golden child you did nothing wrong go nc with all of them your be happier congratulations on your upcoming marriage
It’s been three years and your sister is still obsessed with your fiance. He was never interested in her. She wanted to cheat on her bf with him. She didn’t care about hurting her bf at the time.
She needs to get therapy and get over herself. Your parents are even worse for siding with her. They made their choice three years ago. Block them all everywhere. Congrats on your engagement.
No, there’s no way to make sense of this mess because your family is crazy. I’m sure your sister told some sob story about how you stole him from her, but not the part that she was planning on cheating on her then boyfriend! And clearly she’s the golden child.
And for your extended family to blindly follow what your parents are saying instead of talking to you themselves is ridiculous. If you really want, create a group chat with everyone and include your sister’s unhinged messages from 3 years ago.
I’d not, move on and enjoy your life without your shitty family involved!
Congrats on your engagement!!
JustNoFamily
I would go back to NC. But start documenting b/c they aren’t done
Sometimes you can’t fix crazy and just have to move. surround yourself with people who actually care about you
Wow!!
OP, first things first – Block your sister & parents on everything
Secondly – Hire Security for your wedding & provide security with pics of the batshit crazy team to make sure they dont ruin your day
Thirdly – Go live your life, be happy, love you fiance with everything you have & forget you have a sister & parents that are batshit crazy
Send one last text to your whole family. Explain your side of things. Your sister seriously needs help. If they don’t believe you or refuse to coke to the wedding cut them all off. Don’t allow them to come back in when you have a baby. Because your sister is never going to find someone unless she gets therapy.
Unfortunately your parents are mediocre and have raised a spoiled brat. That they are willing to go so far to humour her toxicity is kind of sad but you can take solace that you didn’t end up like her or them.
I think you already know you can’t fix that. Those people are broken. They have a lifetime of therapy ahead of them just to come to terms with how absurd all of this is and how far they are willing to go.
Really you might have to just go with damage control and lay out the reality of what happened to all your shared family. Try to be neutral about it: “My sister and parents would have you believe I stole her love interest. He is, in reality, the brother of the boy she was dating at the time and intended to cheat on, never held any interest for her, and me and him have had a mutual attraction that we pursued and are now celebrating with marriage. I can’t ask you to partake in my wedding if you aren’t comfortable but do not avoid it on the false grounds that have been established.’
Your wedding is a celebration of your love. Wanting people are toxic as your parents and sister to be ‘happy’ for you isn’t worth the headaches, after all they can only be happy when they are getting what they want. I can barely imagine living with such a lack of self awareness and shame, they are truly sad specimens.
Why would you want any of them at your wedding. They do not wish you well and you have moved on these past years. You have not had a real family for a long time so make it official. Your sister sounds bitter person who has not had the mental fortitude to move past her experience and has chosen to make you the villain in this story and her as the victim. I don’t understand your parents attitude in all of this as I feel there is a good part of the story missing.
Your family sounds like a bunch of assholes. Pretend they all died together in a tragic bus accident, and go get married and live happily ever after with your husband, with no forwarding address so they can’t track you down again to verbally berate you again for living your life. Or if they suddenly need an organ transplant.
Cool story bro.
Make a post of the full story and post it on social media. Then I’d also email and text it to the entire family. Block anyone who continues to take her side.
If your fiancé had wanted your sister he’d have gone after her. He didn’t, he wanted you and you wanted him. Your family badly need to grow up. Have your wedding and ignore them.
I’d be telling the whole family that your sister is just mad because she didn’t get to cheat on her then boyfriend three years ago and still isn’t over it. Consider your sister’s character and ask yourself if you really want someone like that in your life let alone at your wedding. Invite the people who you want to come to the wedding. They’ll either come or they won’t. At least you’ll know who to strike off your Christmas card list.
Congratulations on your engagement 💐
IMHO
For your own good, tell your extended family members the truth, NOW is the time, because I’m sure your parents told them your fiancee is your sister’s ex boyfriend, they had no idea he’s the older bother of her ex-boyfriend and they should know, the sooner the better. Your parents and sister will get mad, and who cares? They don’t care about lying about you and ruin your relationship with other family members. Staying silent in these situation won’t help you, being “the bigger person” with these type of people doesn’t work because for them is an invitation to create more conflicts with impunity.
What the actual fuck… I’m so sorry this is happening, did u tell ur parents about ur sister wanting to cheat??? BECAUSE WHAT??? And if ur sister didn’t tell u ab her crush beforehand EVEN WHILE SHE’S DATING SOMEONE ELSE HELLO??!??/ u are completely not at fault. Wow I’m rly dissapointed in ur delulu sister and parents
NTA
Why not just put them on blast?
“Well, I never expected my engagement announcement to blow up this way, but since it has I guess it’s time to take a trip down memory lane.
Three years ago, DF and I met at my sister’s eighteenth birthday party, she was dating his brother (x). We hit it off and here we are. What I didn’t know at the time was that DF was invited to the party because my sister had a crush on him and had planned to ask him out while dumping his brother, apparently the fact the DF and I hit it off was enough to get me disowned, and currently is the reason why my sister and parents are calling me every filthy name in the book while trashing my name to all and sundry.
So, regardless of what you may have heard, my family is throwing fits because my DF foiled my sister’s plan to turn him into her side piece/new man by meeting me, when his brother found out he dumped sister dear, and for some reason that makes my engagement the crime of the century. Live and learn something new every day.”
Go to r/JUSTNOFAMILY.
Your family doesn’t deserve you. Let them go and find peace elsewhere. I hope your Uncle has the spine to withstand this toxic abusive shit.
Your family sucks I’m sorry
I wouldn’t want them there honestly. They’ll all try to ruin your wedding. Your sister is the golden child and they can’t see anything else. It’s absolutely absurd that they saw nothing wrong in your sisters behaviour and that they actually think you’d marry a man just to hurt your sisters feelings. That’s insane. Tell the whole story. You have absolutely no reason not to and how the hell are they going to convince others not to go unless they’re lying through their teeth. Set the story straight and let them go.
Your parents have made it clear you mean nothing to them. If you did they wouldn’t be acting like this. Block your sister and parents and all the other flying monkeys and cut them out of your life. Focus on the ones you do have. You won’t miss toxic people like that
Has everyone missed the class act her family is? Her sister wanted to cheat on her boyfriend with that boyfriend’s brother. Parents endorse this. WTAF?
Girl- why do you even want them at your wedding let alone in your life?
There are parts of my family that is uncomfortable with the fact that I have two partners. My therapist once told me I am not in charge of policing other people’s feelings. If they want to be selfish jerks that’s on them. I consider my friends to be the family I picked. I would always rather be surrounded by friends over my family. I actually have a pretty amazing family. Some of them I consider my friends. Your sister is a prototypical narcissistic. If someone has something better than her she will never be happy. Your parents have enabled that behavior so that’s where they will side. You can’t change their behaviors the only thing you can change is how you deal with it when they disappoint you. At 23 this will unfortunately not be the last time they side with her and disappoint you.
It’s not your job to spend all of your time trying to convince your family that they’ll regret not being there for your wedding. Your parents should have more sense than to excommunicate you over some high school bs. I can’t say from personal experience, but I imagine the last thing you want at your wedding is anyone who has a problem with you.
Congrats!