Backstory:
I am a 30 year old M. My spouse and I have been together for 9 years and marriage for 6 almost 7 years. We are not separated and have been like that for almost 3 weeks. Two nights ago my estranged spouse and I were arguing and I asked for a Divorce. As the hours progressed, I have been feeling more and more regretful of this decision. I need to know if I should stick to my guns and make this decision happen or figure a way out to work things out. My wife and I have been arguing since February about her spending time with me over her friends. It has been a while since we got a long Bruce’s of that. She only wants to focus on her friends and stopped focusing on the marriage. At its worst, we only saw/spend alone time together maybe 1 to 2 days out of the week. She said it was because her friends would do stuff with her, take her to places unlike me. I spend most of my 20’s being in survival mode. We basically went paycheck to paycheck and I worked to put us through school. It was traumatic and the way I survived was getting into the groove of things and just focus on surviving. I won’t lie this caused a lot of neglect on my end. I didn’t take her on dates and there was a lot of birthdays and special moments that went unattended by me.
Now that I’m finally a couple weeks away from being done with engineering school I started to come alive again. I wanted to do more because I had the time and energy again. I started going to therapy. I found myself wanting to set long term goals like buying a house, traveling, etc. but she was still checked out and overall not invested in our marriage anymore. In addition to this, I want a kid in a couple of years and she doesn’t. The same night I requested a divorce, she finally made the choice to not have a child with me.
As of now:
I’m feeling really weird and hurt, sad, etc. I need to hear from people who have gone through this. I need someone to tell me if this feels normal or not what needs to happen next, what is the best way to go about this. I feel like that person was my one and only and I’ll never find someone again.
I know I am not innocent in this. The way I chose to survive the hard times was unhealthy and unfair to my spouse. At this point, I just want to know what to do. I’m stuck emotionally and I’m conflicted.
4 comments
Your feelings are valid and you did sacrifice a lot for the future of your marriage. I’m a strong advocate for marriage counseling, but only if the two agree to go. Saying the word divorce is not an option until you truly know it’s over. My husband would use that word like nothing and each time we had a small argument and it made me trust him less each time. Lear from this and if you truly want to make it work, don’t say that word again. There will be fights and disagreements but do not use the word divorce until you truly mean it. Trust me I have been there and each time it gets harder to come back from it.
The person you met 9 years ago and the person you are married to today are not the same people. That goes for you, as well. We all change as we grow/learn/experience life. You two don’t want the same things from life, it sounds like.
As someone that swore I would never find love again, or even look for another relationship after my divorce, I have now been with the an amazing person, that shares similar interest and similar life goals with me.
My advice, end this chapter. Allow her to live a life that makes her happy and go live a life that makes you happy. Not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever. You had good times (I hope) and good memories, hold onto those. Let the negative go and enjoy your time on this earth.
Also…if a child is something you truly want, make sure the person you are with feels the same.
OP, this is real simple. You want kids, she doesn’t. You are no longer compatible and there is no compromising with the decision to have children or not. It’s a two yes situation. None of the rest of this stuff matters anymore, how you got here, who did what, and quite frankly, I think your wife told you this right now because she wants a divorce and she knows this is a dealbreaker. It sounds to me like she wants you to go through with the divorce.
Get a divorce so you have a chance at the family you desire. Your wife doesn’t seem interested in staying married or starting a family with you. It isn’t true that she is your one and only, and it hasn’t been true for some time it seems. You are just finally catching up with it because you decided to focus on your marriage, and there is nothing left to salvage for her it seems. There is nothing you can do about that besides accept it and move on.
There is not even a need to re-hash who did what anymore. Just tell her that her decision to never have children with you is a dealbreaker, and then file the papers…
Talk to her. Accept responsibility for the errors of the past just as you confessed here. Tell her how you feel now that school is almost done and you will have the time and income to do the things she would like, and that you would like to do them with her.
Most likely she said no to kids because you said you did and this was her way to get back at you for your comments… especially stating you want a divorce. Apologize. Tell her you are going to counseling to be the man she deserves and once your counselor says you are ready, you would like to go to couples counseling together to rebuild a stronger marriage on the learning of your past mistakes.
Do not try to call her out and point out her mistakes. She knows what she did or did not do. Tell her daily that you love her and start and end each day with a very good kiss. The passion will come. Also, start weekly date nights. Don’t force her away from her friends. If you start to win her back, she will come back to want to spend more time with you as her decision… not your demand. You have to understand your neglect drove her away and it changed both of you. it will take time and patience, but this can be fixed.