To add some context, we met when I worked as a bartender and he was a waiter. We’ve been living together for a little more than two years, now he has the job he always wanted as a cook, we always talk about growing old together and we have pets together (plus we don’t want children).
A couple months after we started dating he said he really wanted to marry me, and since he has self esteem issues I thought it would be a good idea for me to propose so that he wouldn’t think I was just setting for him or something like that.
Anyway, I bought the rings (showed him some rings, hinted what he liked and I got them).
After proposing he wasn’t super excited or anything, he seemed grateful, and we didn’t have much money to celebrate, but I really did expect more.
Time went by and he always says he can’t wait to marry me, but we didn’t even celebrate with a beer, nor we went anywhere. I brought that up and he said if I wanted to do something I could just set it up but like, I feel like I already did my part and he hasn’t done anything (?).
I told him I didn’t expect a huge party or anything, but at least a coffee together would’ve been nice, or some nice words even. All he said is that he couldn’t come up with a speech out of the blue. But then again, that was a while ago, and he never made it up.
Anyway, I don’t know, for me it was a huge deal since I am very very choosey with the people I decide to share my life with, and he says it is a big deal for him too, but he didn’t even tell his friends or family… Like any of them.
I don’t know exactly what I’m asking, I just want to know if this is common I guess. Thank you internet people.
TL;DR: I proposed to my bf on New Years Eve and after almost a year ago nothing has happened.
23 comments
Maybe he just not that into you.
Maybe you took the wind out of his sails he was always expecting to be the one to propose, it’s kind of a common traditional male fantasy that we’ve all had reinforced from a lifetime of stories. Ask him how he feels about the whole situation and if he was hoping it might be different. Maybe he just wants a do-over after thinking about it.
>I proposed to my bf on New Years Eve and after almost a year ago nothing has happened.
The two of you agreed to marry. Have you had the typical discussions about when, where, etc.? If the two of you actually want to get married, that would be the next step.
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>I feel like I already did my part and he hasn’t done anything
You think proposing means you’re done and it’s his job to do the rest? Your expectations are strange. He’s also strange for not telling a single person in almost an entire year.
When two people want to be married to one another, you know what they do? They generally talk to each other, make plans for their marriage and then get married.
I don’t think either of you have your eye on the ball, nor does it appear that the two of you have adequate communication skills.
This is weird. It seems like you got engaged quickly, and that fact that he didn’t tell anyone is also very odd
What’s the hurry with getting married?
Is it possible he’s embarrassed to tell people *you* proposed to him, as it is a non traditional role reversal?
Not trying to say that he’s embarrassed of you, but just the situation?
Would his family or friends be the type to tease him or even shame him about it?
If it’s not an enthusiastic YES, I’d also be weary if it were me. Proposal aside you would think he’d be happy to celebrate or plan it at least. Maybe he’s not as into it as he says he is or makes it seem.
If you’re up for it, maybe offer to walk it back if he’s not ready and gauge his reaction?
So I think either he doesn’t want to deal with new attention of being engaged, doesn’t want to tell people yet because that makes it more real and he’s actually not ready for it, or he just thinks it’s not a big deal and he’ll mention it at some point. Either way you should ask him what the deal is cause it is pretty weird to not tell anyone.
You seem very understanding to how he is but it’s okay to want to feel special and get a sense of excitement from your partner during what should be a really special time.
U value marriage he doesn’t. You’re ready for full on commitment, he’s not. He feels like less of a man for being the one proposed to and u taking all the action of everything.
This sounds rough. When my (then bf) and I were considering getting engaged he said something like “I think we probably should”. I felt very similar to how you’re describing. I wanted to feel like he wanted to get married, not felt like he should. I essentially said the ball is in your court but you need to convince me it’s what you actually want
Roll forward a few months, he then pulled off the most amazing and thoughtful proposal that really made me sure he was all in. I wonder if you could have a similar conversation and say you just need to know he’s in. No pressure but ball in his court.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you
What an interesting and weird situation! Have you followed up on your proposal lol?
When my husband and I got “engaged,” it was me turning to him on the couch and saying “Hey, should we get married soon?” We had already talked about marrying each other so it wasn’t a big thing. We didn’t really celebrate either. However, we did have conversations around how we would tell our families (we told both our families together) and when we actually wanted the wedding to happen, type of wedding, honeymoon, etc. the communication piece is critical.
I understand being the planner. I’m naturally the planner in our relationship (I love me some spreadsheets), but my husband was involved in every decision. He actively asked how he could help. If your fiancé isn’t engaging at all, I would definitely question his level of commitment.
Maybe bc u emasculated him by beating him to the punch (fine downvote me)
> he didn’t even tell his friends or family… Like any of them.
Girl….
It’s time to have a no-stress, no judgement sit-down-talk with him to find out what is going on. Is he too embarrassed to tell others that you proposed or something? Why doesn’t he want others to know you two are talking about marriage now?
You need to talk to him and figure this out, because this is weird.
I was in a very similar situation as you a few months ago—to sum it up I gave my bf an ultimatum where I said “we’ve already been together for so long, blah blah so marry or move on”. He happily said yes, but I was super disappointed for it to have gotten to that point of me doing the asking. I got over it by sitting him down and telling him how I felt about the proposal and that I wanted us to pretend it never happened so that he could “surprise” me with his do-over proposal in the near future instead. I figured now that he knows for sure I’ll say yes it’ll take a lot of the anxiety off him since he’s a high anxiety guy.
You proposed to him without even really having discussion specific to planning.
You may have taken a moment he wanted to have.
You may have moved too quickly.
He might be all for it but not comfortable telling people that you proposed.
I would have serious conversation and give him the option of undoing this if he wants, if you’d be amenable to that without a breakup.
Idk how I would feel if my girlfriend was proposing to me, would it be official ? As it’s supposed to be the male pattern to propose and i guess it would throw me off as well.
I mean i don’t know neither your boyfriend nor you, but speak over about it, and try to have his point of view. I’m not somebody that shows emotions neither (I’ve never said i love you to my gf tho we’re having a baby and I’m the happiest man alive being around her), and i don’t even know if i would want to celebrate the fact that she proposed, feels off in my head just writing it.
Yeah speak over with him please, just take thoses words for you , and all the others kind people that wrote smth, and just add it to your knowledge that, sometimes, things doesn’t meet our expectations but we have to live with it. (Also I’m a guy that had an old school education, when you meet a girl, she’s the one for the entire life. Im 23 and she’s the only girl i had sex w/ )
Reading your posts and some comments I’m getting the feeling this is one of those ‘if it isn’t a hell yes, it’s a no.’ He either isn’t a good communicator (which is a whole set of its own issues) or he’s not that into the idea and didn’t want to say no. Either way, this conversation needs to happen and he needs to be honest with you before you move forward with the wedding.
Does his family/friends know about you? And maybe he’s embarrassed that he didn’t do it so he didn’t want to tell anyone
Well if it was only that he didn’t act super excited,,you could possibly think it’s just his personality. But since he didn’t tell anyone, then you’re right to feel upset. He may be scared of commitment.
Aw, I’m sorry. He should be absolutely elated.. you deserve better! You could find the love of your life out there that makes you feel the happiest you’ve ever felt. You probably shouldn’t marry this person if you both don’t feel that way.
I think it’s super weird that he didn’t tell his family/friends. Like, if my partner proposed to me, I would be delighted and wouldn’t shut up about it. Even if I was shy, I would be showing off my ring. And the fact that he hasn’t asked any follow up questions or been interested in setting a date or otherwise shown any interest in talking about combining your two lives? Well, that would make me wonder if he was interested at all.
You know him better than us, so you can decide if you are actually compatible and you want to spend the rest of your life with him, being the one to carry all the planning and be the one to make anything happen (trips? new home? new city? back to school? get a pet? have kids? raise the kids? do the dishes? paint the living room?).
But it’s also okay to break off the engagement, especially since he hasn’t told anyone and there are no wedding plans yet.
This didn’t seem particularly worrisome to me until you got to the part about him not telling anyone you’re engaged. Then it seemed *very* worrisome. Something is off, for sure . . . but I have an idea for how to possibly save it. A fair number of queer couples do mutual proposals on separate days so both people can have the experience of proposing and being proposed to. So, I think you should have a talk with him and ask what’s up with him not telling people – is he not ready yet, or what? If he wants more time or something like that, and if you’re feeling okay about staying with him and waiting longer for him to be ready, then you could tell him it’s his turn to do the proposing next. I also suggest that you should discuss timelines and get at least a general sense of how much longer you’re likely to need to wait for him to be ready, so you’re not just on hold indefinitely.
Could it be possible that he didn’t want to (get) proposed or be engaged so soon? Or that he’s embarrassed you proposed to him? Men rarely take kindly to a woman proposing – either due to fragile masculinity, or they didn’t want to get engaged/married.
Try talking to him. Him hiding the fact you’re engaged and not wanting to celebrate kinda shows that he’s not excited or keen on the idea.
My honest opinion would be that he was probably not serious when he said that he was going to marry you, but you took it to heart and assumed that he was. I think it would’ve been better to have more conversations about sharing a life together/marriage life etc before you make the move (proposing/being proposed to)
It’s always better to take things lightly until you see him putting effort and actions, instead of just spitting out his “random” thoughts.