When I (26F) like someone, I tend to hold on to signs that we are *meant to be.* I start hyper-focusing on the ways we’re compatible in the present and the future. I really live in delulu. I start comparing our astrology charts, picturing how well his family will like me, thinking about how we will raise our children, etc. I read into things wayyyyy too much.
The funny part is that this is so unlike me in my normal life, but I’ve had these tendencies since I was a kid. I’d obsess over my crushes. As a college student, I’d spend way too much time thinking about the guy I’ve been hooking up with and not enough time on my grades or my friends.
I recently outgrew out of an anxious attachment style. I took a year off from dating and really focused on myself. I decentralized men from my life and learned to truly love myself. It’s been an amazing journey.
But now I met someone through mutual friends. I’m back on these tendencies of when he talks to me, I think that we were meant to be in each others lives and blah blah blah. I exhaust myself.
CAN SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS THINKING?!
7 comments
Just ask yourself one question: what do you actually know about this person? I mean, truly know, not what you want him to be.
I have the same problem and was going to post the same question
The idea of destiny is very big with our culture. Everything happens because it was predetermined. Nothing is accidental. This is the fairy tale we are all told.
I don’t think its true though. I don’t think there is only one person and one person only meant for each of us. Some of us aren’t built to be in a relationship with anyone. Some of us are lucky to have many loves over the course of our lifetime.
Relationships don’t just happen magically. They take hard work and compromise. They require sacrifice. There are times when it’s completely not romantic.
Instead of looking for “the one” like you are in a Matrix movie. Honestly asses people in your lives to determine who really cares about you. Give energy and time to those who honestly do and leave the ones that don’t alone.
Focus on the practical, less on the mystical.
You might just truly have that good of a connection with them. No reason to discount your own feelings. I’ve made connections this romantic and powerful and intimate with many previous relationships. Soulmate / “meant to be” vibes.
I’m older, in my 40’s, and I do this to the point of what I consider crazy. I’ve currently been stuck on the same person for 4 freaking years! Years! I’ve done a ton of deep dives into mental health and related topics and the closest thing I can find that somewhat explain what happens to me is what is called limerence.
I also consider myself demisexual, meaning I don’t want the physical side of love, ie sex without having a deep emotional connection with people.
The last few guys, including the 4 year one have all started as acquaintances, that grew into deep meaningful friendships.
I don’t think you’re weird. I just think some of us feel love in weird ways and attach ourselves in different ways.
Just don’t become what my generation called a stage five clinger. Hehe.
Also, the 4 year guy asked me once if I wanted to date and I said no!! Now he’s been in a relationship this whole time and I want to kick myself every time I think about saying no. I have no idea why I didn’t go for it. So I’m super attached but also won’t pull the trigger. We are all weird in our own ways.
Hugs
2 things: Sounds like your pull back from dating to work on yourself was good in educating you on why you do what you do and preparing to reenter dating BUT that knowledge is only beneficial if it’s applied in practice.
I’m the same as you so no judgment from me. Do the Work podcast is great, journal to keep yourself grounded, continue to do the things single you loved to do and maintain your friendships. Then journal some more because you need to get out of your head. Maybe toss in some yoga if you find it helpful, I freaking love it.
I just lost a great relationship not pausing and assessing myself periodically and allowing the delusions to run wild. I hope you are further on in this journey than me and wish you all the luck in managing those wild ass brain goblins.
Most of us have at least one girlfriend who does this. ALL THE TIME.
I’ll ask you what I ask her: “Given you are single right now, how many times up to this point have you actually been right?” lol
Listen. You do you. But this takes a lot of time and “meant to be together” will kind of reveal itself as true or not in good time. If you are destined for one another, you will literally have the rest of your life to figure out what your kids will look like or how the stars align, so don’t waste that time on some random dude who is likely a dud and focus on work or having fun with people who matter.