My GF and I have been dating for about a year. She has 2 older kids (young teens) with her ex and they have 50/50 custody. She picked the kids up yesterday and realized her ex didn’t send the kids to camp with their coats. Given the fact the temperature is going to get down to the 30s this week she sent him a message and asked him to drop their coats off on her front porch tonight, he agreed.
While sitting down for dinner tonight with her, her kids, and my kids in her dining room, which is at the front of her house, we heard the front door smart lock unlock and the door open… he popped in with the coats and said “I’m sorry, if I knew you were here I wouldn’t have come in”, dropped the coats and left. The code he used is one she has setup for her kids incase they ever need to come in and apparently he knew it.
I talked to her after the kids went to bed and told her how violated I feel. Not only did he come in to a space we often have private time he also made a comment that made it sound like he thinks it would be more okay to come in if we weren’t there. She deleted the code and said she’d setup a new one for the kids but they’ve had a history of bad boundaries – mainly him doing little kinds ofstuff to mess with her (for example, they agreed to host one of their kids birthday parties at a neutral location but a few days later said he created invites to have it at his house). So I told her I didn’t think that was enough… I want a police report filed for either trespassing or breaking and entering so it’s documented. She disagrees, saying I’m being over the top, and now we’re fighting about it.
Any advice how to handle this?
33 comments
I don’t know the whole situation, but I kinda think she should just send a text telling him it was NOT okay and never do it again. She changed the code. I think you can pass on the police report personally.
Yah you’re being over the top. He brought the jackets that he didn’t have to bring. The title of the post says it all HER house. Not yours. Stop being so controlling. If she doesn’t feel that it’s an issue, don’t bring undue stress to this woman’s already stressful life
Only dating a year and you think you’re entitled to a say in her relationship with her ex?
If you have issues with their co-parenting take it up with her I guess. But if I were her I’d hip check you right back into your lane.
He had the code, there’s no breaking and entering. There’s nothing the police could do about it. What you should be doing is asking the kids if they gave him the code.
Your being over the top about a police report BUT not about him knowing the code.
You won’t love this, but you are being over the top. They are co-parenting, not doing the uh-huh. If you call the cops for trespassing and tell this story, I promise you, donuts and milk will hit the desk of the officer listening to that as they burst out with laughter.
EDIT: Maybe donuts and coffee…..
You want to call the police on a man for entering a house that’s not even yours and where his children lives and doing exactly what the owner of the house asked him to do?
A police report?? Stop dating single moms if you can’t handle them co-parenting. That’s my advice.
I understand being a bit uncomfortable and having a conversation that maybe that aspect of their co-parenting relationship needs to change eventually if you are going to be spending more time there but your reaction is extreme for what happened.
He has the code and he was going to drop the coats. It’s not going to prove trespassing and you are just creating more conflict. It’s not breaking an entering because he has the code.
She can document that he shouldn’t come in over text and leave it at that. She already changed the code. It’s her coparenting relationship and she knows him best. If he is already an AH, by going to the police he’ll be more an AH.
Do you already live with her after dating a year? Because if you live together, it’s way too fast if you all have kids. If you don’t live there, you are an AH for getting involved into how she runs her house. So the ex in an AH for coming in, and you are an AH for pressuring what she should do. It’s like every man in her life does not respect what she says or her boundaries.
A police report?? Settle down, cowboy
Don’t waste police time with your bullshit.
A police report is a gross overreaction. It makes you seem extremely insecure. Your partner should establish boundaries with her ex but ultimately it is her house. If you don’t like the way they coparent, end the relationship.
Is it her house? Then shut up. It’s 100% up to her how she runs her household. You don’t get a vote and she doesn’t have to explain shit to you.
Do you and your kids live with her? I sure hope not. That’s completely irresponsible behavior for two single parents that have only been dating a year.
Yes a police report is being over the top. Here is what a healthy version of events for you could look like:
Have a conversation with her about how he should be involved in her life. If you don’t like her choices – express that. If she doesn’t agree and you don’t want to compromise and shut up about it, leave man.
If she agrees with you and thinks he should not have been able to do that (or other things) then it is up to HER to set the boundaries. For example if she agrees with you then she can then say to him “You are not welcome in the house – please never enter without knocking.” then you can consider a police report down the line.
If she doesn’t – express that you have had conversations about this and you’re here to support her but ultimately she needs to do this. If she doesn’t – leave.
Stop being controlling. Set your boundaries and follow through with them.
She has to maintain some kind of relationship with him while the kids are still minors. Going to the police for “breaking and entering”….. come on dude.
You are very much over the line right now. You’ve only been dating a year. Pump your brakes. Hard.
If you don’t like the dynamic then consider ending the relationship. But you need to think long and hard about if you’ll be okay having very little say in how she chooses to maintain that relationship for the sake of her kids.
Nothing got hurt except your feelings, no reason to call the cops, if there was violence or threat of violence I’d say call.
My advice: GF agrees with you, police involvment will influence coparenting.
Let GF handle it.
Alternatively suggest she has attorney write a letter to remind him of the potential consequenses of him entering her hone without her permission.
Dont let her ex drive a wedge between the two if you – the reason he did it is to mess with your relationship – dont let him…
I think a police report is over the top at this time. It’s her home not yours and she sets the rules not you. Her ex-husband wasn’t in the right to use the code but having changed the code and telling him why should be enough at this time. I get you don’t like her ex and you prefer to keep him at a distance but that’s not up you , it’s up to her.
Violated? Break and enter? Police report? Jesus Christ.
The father of your gfs kids dropped off their jackets. Get over yourself.
She’s not going to get the police involved because they have a custody arrangement, and he is the father of her children, and getting police involved puts everything at risk. There’s no need to escalate this when she can do what she did: change the code.
If you feel uncomfortable with how they co-parent, you have the right to end the relationship or stay in your own home. You do not have the right to intervene and insist that she take drastic measures over something like this.
Whatever their relationship, however strained it is, it is *their* relationship to navigate. Stay out of it.
Calm down, not worthy of a police report & it isn’t your house.
Don’t push this issue. This is her thing let her handle it.
Let her manage it.
You’re being ridiculous. You weren’t “violated,” you were made uncomfortable. Your girlfriend needs to have a stern talk with her kids to not share the code with their father and she needs to tell him he is not allowed to barge into her house and to stop asking the kids for the code.
Slow your roll, brother. It’s possible he was testing some boundaries with this show, but there’s nothing to warrant calling the cops over. Overreacting is just going to make you look crazy in front of your GF, and will definitely stir up some shit with her EX…which will add a ton of unnecessary drama to your relationship.
Always keep in mind, he has 50% custody of her kids. Any drama that you create with him, is going to impact them…and that is bad for you. Don’t make your GF’s life more difficult than it needs to be.
You’re making this about you, looks like her ex is t the only one with controlling behaviours 🤔
>While sitting down for dinner tonight with her, her kids, and my kids in her dining room, which is at the front of her house
HER house. Not yours. So she gets to decide how to handle this, and you get to mind your own business.
YOU feel violated? Okay, Princess. [insert massive eyeroll here]
“… how violated I feel.” “I told her I didn’t think that was enough.” “I want a police report filed.”
Feel free to take offense.
Who the hell do you think you are? I presume this grown-ass woman is of sound mind. You have “dated” for a year. You somehow think your opinion carries significant weight. Obviously you know what’s best. You further feel you have the right to manipulate her into seeing and doing things your way. You mention having “private time” in the front of the house. Are you saying you use the entry area – like the living room sofa for your “private time”? And she has teenage kids in the house? You have some serious ego issues and unless your opinion is solicited you should keep your opinion(s) to yourself. I only hope OPs girlfriend decides to change the entry code again just before she boots him to the curb with her ex.
Dude not your house, not your ex, calm your tits.
You have no right to feel ‘violated’ massive overreaction on your part.
I’m willing to bet you’d do exactly the same to your ex.
Police report is way too far man. Filing a police report on her ex and her kids father will get you nowhere especially over something this small. This is between you and your gf don’t file a police report for something that seems like it’s happened often before. Tell her your boundary and see if she respects it or not
Babe, it’s not your house and you’ve only been dating a year! Co parenting is hard enough. I understand why you’re so bothered and it sounds like an uncomfortable situation. However, calling the cops is wild! Have you considered how this affects not just her but also the kids? He is the father of her kids, clearly an involved parent. You can’t erase that just because you’ve been dating her for a year. Do you know and understand the co parenting dynamic between them? If not, then maybe learn about it and decide what you’re comfortable with and what you aren’t. At the end of the day, that relationship isn’t yours to dictate.
As stated in the title, it HER house. GTF over it. Stop being over dramatic.
You are WAY overreacting, Your GF still has to coparent with him. If I’m reading this correctly, it’s also her house. You can make requests of your GF in her house but you don’t get to make demands about police reports because you feel violated after one of HER children likely shared the house code with their dad who has 50/50 custody. The kids are teens. She has to stick this coparenting thing out for a few more years and she’s done. Let her handle it and mind your own business.