My partner and I have been together for a little over two years now. We’ve travelled together, lived together, and have had the most beautiful times together, but that closeness and sacredness feels so unbelievably far away now.
To preface, I have severe OCD and BPD, and I am immensely aware of how my conditions impact the mental health of those around me. I know that I am not an easy person to handle, and I’ve always been so grateful of those who have been gracious enough to stick up for me.
For a long time, my partner was almost too good, too supportive. He always held me when I panicked and reassured me when I was having OCD thoughts. He has a fair share of mental health issues, so he’s always been extremely understanding. Now tho, I can tell that he’s getting burnt out. Where I used to get a hug and a combing of the hair when I panicked, I now get a quick “I’m sorry” and pat on the back. Where I used to get a “do you wanna talk about it?” after expressing my thoughts, I now get an “mhm.” I get dejected sighs and dismissals instead of the care I used to get. I see our closest friends getting flowers from their partners, sweet affection, and adoration, and I just feel like I’m being ignored.
It’s hard to feel like he’s not just sick of my sh*t.
Now, I understand being burnt out. Hell, I can’t even express how guilty I feel knowing that my personal issues are draining him. That said, it’s so, so painful. I love him so much, but I can’t handle feeling like I need to take care of myself because I’m afraid of bothering him or ruining his mood. I’m sick of feeling the need to say I love you first, to initiate intimacy, and to launch conversations about the future. I miss feeling “taken care of” – not coddled or having a caretaker but feeling really loved. I miss the way things used to be.
So, what the hell do I do? I want things to get better, and based off of our recent-ish conversations, I know he does to. I’m getting therapy and taking meds, but it’s hard feeling like I’m doing what I can and still feeling rejected. I know he loves me, but I want to feel it again. This is all just extremely painful and I just want things to get better again.
TL;DR – I miss the way things used to be with my partner, and my mental health has grown us apart.
1 comment
Have an honest talk with each other about both of your feelings, while making sure to validate each other’s perspectives. Just having your feelings and perspectives recognized, in itself, may help you two alleviate your feelings and concerns.
But even if it does not, you two could then have a follow-up conversation about what things could change that you could both feel okay with. For example, if he no longer has the energy to comfort you in the way he has before, are there other ways he could do so? Are there ways you can help make sure his needs and feelings are addressed?