My (F40) partner (m45) wants to cosplay ‘happy families’ with his ex for all of Christmas. I want to end the relationship. How do I reconcile this?

49 comments

1. Nope. When you’re not involved, the line is crossed. The kid is 14, he’s not dumb. He knows his parents aren’t together. There’s no reason not to include you. If your partner can’t come to terms of his marriage being over and wanting to make you as a part of his new family, you need to end it

2. You’re not being fair by calling this “cosplay.” If HE calls it that, I’m positive he’s treating it with light irony.

   Here’s why.

   Love always seeks a ritual whether it’s coffee every morning or a particular food shared on special occasions or an inside joke, and this is the ritual by which he stays attached to his ex, and more importantly his kid. I guarantee you it reassures the child, “It wasn’t my fault. This divorce was a change, not a tragedy.”

   That said, you don’t have to like or accept that level of attachment. If it’s not working for you, you have every right to bail on it. But understand that this connects the person you’re with to who he was. To lose touch with one’s past is to lose touch with oneself, and maintaining this level of civility with his ex is, to my mind, fairly mature. And I’m positive it’s great for the kid.

3. You are not even together for a year yet . It’s not ok to expect him to change his children’s Christmas arrangements.

   I presume you are still very much in the introductory stages of getting to know his children at present , expecting them to spend Christmas with you away from their mother is not ok. The alternative is that they don’t get to spend the time with their father on Christmas .

   Your partner appears to have managed a mature , adult divorce that allows for his children to be able to have both their parents around at Christmas . This is lovely , and shows a man who has put their needs first .

   Perhaps once your relationship is mature , your relationship with the child is established , and your families are becoming more blended it’s a discussion topic for the future , but for now you are being unreasonable . If you push him this early on to prioritise you over his child , the red flags are going to start waving.

4. Personally, I wouldn’t be ok with this. I’m friends with exs so that’s not the issue. Like you said op it’s just too intimate or maybe too loaded. Idk. If it were like dinner or breakfast I probably wouldn’t feel so icky about it. It’s the alcohol component I think for me.

   Presumably the kid has met you, and knows his dad is dating you, so why aren’t you invited to any of the Christmas festivities?

5. It sounds like he’s not the one for you. This is what works for him and his kid. And yes he values his kid way more than you.

   You can take it or leave it.

6. I don’t think it’s weird that they have holidays together in general, it’s weird you are excluded. (Unless for some reason you haven’t met the son and ex yet?) Part of me isn’t even necessarily worried about being excluded this first time it’s more of a situation like- how does he see your relationship progressing in the future and what would your role be then? And maybe that’s the question you ask him to figure out what this means for you.

   My kids’ dad and I don’t frequently do holidays together at this point, but did more often when they were young. And we have always included the other person’s partner.

   But some perspective on that: 19 years later I could probably have a book club with all his ex girlfriends we’ve met over the years 😂 (I’m actually very good friends with the one who he was engaged to for 7-8 years.)

   My kids also have a long standing joke that they need to go to Dads for Thanksgiving for the annual tradition: meet Dad’s new girlfriend. So knowing the history that my kids have with their dad and all the partners of his they’ve met over the years, part of me can see why your boyfriend and his ex don’t jump to including someone else too.

   So ask the question about the future and decide if you see yourself there.

7. You haven’t been together long enough for him to alter how he celebrates holidays with his child to accommodate you. It’s actually really wonderful and speaks highly of his character that he’s able to maintain a good relationship with his ex. It’s not a date, it’s a family celebration. The mother of his children is a family member and you need to accept that if you’re going to date a father.

   If I’m being totally honest, it’s not cool for parents to bring romantic partners around their kids when they’ve been dating for less than a year. I know it’s common, but it’s really fucked up. I had a revolving door of step-mother figures as a kid who all got close to me and then abandoned me when the relationship ended and I have serious issues because of it. Please be careful about getting too close too soon when there are kids involved. It sounds like you’re already halfway out the door.

8. I think something like that can be either appropriate or inappropriate. It depends on how he approached this topic with you and what his expectations are with you when this is happening. “Well we always do this for Christmas” is a hard pass, I don’t like decisions being made for me. Because at that point you may as well spend your day with another man or an ex.

9. Their arrangement would not work for me. You’re divorced. That means holidays are going to look different. I would be unable to build a relationship with a man if he prioritizes spending holidays with his ex over me. I would remove myself from the relationship.

10. Honestly, this is actually a really sweet tradition for their child. I’m pretty sure every child from a divorced family wishes they could spend Christmas this way. If you have feelings about it, I think that speaks more to your insecurities than to anything being inappropriate here. (And to be clear, I don’t think there’s anything inappropriate going on.) I don’t know if you’ve been cheated on in the past, or have had other bad experiences that this is reminding you of, but it all seems pretty innocent.

    And at this point in your relationship, asking him to change his tradition for you probably won’t go over well. I’d buy a bottle of wine, put on some Netflix, and just enjoy an evening to yourself.

11. Wtf he’s 14 not 4…he knows his parents aren’t together

    I’m with you, that’s weird

12. TBH, it sounds like a really healthy thing he has implemented in his life for the sake of his son. I understand your misgivings, but I feel that you are looking this solely from a “me me me” place, which is an odd tact for a parent to take.

    This sounds like the first Christmas that he’s had to deal with involving someone new. Y’all have been together for a year…maybe wait until your established before you start demanding he forego an established tradition because it gives you some discomfort. I remember when I was 18, I had a girlfriend. We’d been dating for around 10 months when Xmas came. Her parents always had some ornament made for the kids each year that included a special part of the year for them illustrated on the ornament. I was sooooo hurt that I wasn’t on the ornament. I am embarrassed to admit that 20 years later, but there you go.

    You’re 40 and basically getting hurt about the ornament. If you’re still together next Christmas, find a way to become ingrained into the tradition. But if you’re going to walk away over this, then you’re doing your bf a favor.

13. I wouldn’t tolerate this. I was miffed massively when my mum remarried and my step sister (his) was a celebrity / actress who simply would control the dynamic in terms of making reservations somewhere she imagines is posh and only extend the invitation to her dad and my mum. We’d not get to see mum when we travelled back to Dorset for most of Christmas Day and this in itself felt like a choice was being made and we were a secondary consideration- an afterthought. I transpose this to say a significant other and the hurt would be much worse. Nothing to do with the son – it’s the fact that any scope for a blended family celebration is ruled out is when I think she has the best of him on arguably the most important day for families. So she doesn’t have any of the pain of putting up with this dreamer but happy to cavort away on eve and on the day ? Put an end to this – they deserve each other and you deserve better.

14. If he invited you or – much better – developed a new tradition with you and invited them over, then it‘d be ok. You not only being left out but also him being ok with his partner spending Christmas alone is just… weird. His priorities are fcked and I wouldn’t want to deal with that either.

15. I thought you were over reacting until you said he tried to discourage you from being there. That’s a red flag for me. If they’re truly just friends then you being there shouldn’t be an issue. The set up sounds really emotionally intimate already. Adding him trying to keep it really intimate at your expense is very suspicious.

    Nope. I think you’re okay to be concerned here. Even if no clothes come off this is still emotionally intimate as hell.

16. Apparently I’m going to be the weird one here.

    I think what they’re doing is lovely. You even say you’re not worried he’s going to cheat so that’s not an issue. I think a healthy relationship with your ex as a friend and shared time with your child still is the biggest green flag I could look for.

    When I met my now husband I had my eldest child already. My ex was immature and callous, but all my now husband wanted was for he and I to get along and to have a wonderful relationship for our child, and then this child could have three (hopefully one day four) loving parents. Huge green flag.

    You guys are only almost a year into your relationship. If this isn’t for you, just end it. If I were him I wouldn’t stop giving up this tradition that warms my and my child’s hearts and shows a healthy friendship and reconciliation for someone’s insecurities. At best, if it were me, I’d simply ask to be included in some of it like xmas morning. But even if that wasn’t agreeable until, say, we were getting married, or had at least been dating more than one year, that’d be okay to me too.

    I’d also never ask him to what, change things and give up seeing his kid every Christmas so that he only sees him every other year, meaning probably only 2 more xmases/xmas eves with the kid before he’s 18 and graduating? Letting the child down because you have different wishes? Nope nope, I’d feel selfish and like my insecurity is showing for asking for any of it. But again, apparently I’m the odd one out.

17. The issue I have with it is if they’re just friends, why can’t you join them? The son surely knows that you are a committed partner, it is natural for you to spend Christmas day with your partner. If you were welcome to join then I’d say it’s actually quite nice to see a co-parenting couple being friends and spending time at Christmas, but when you’re specifically excluded it takes on a much more unpleasant feeling. The fact that he wants to exclude you for at least the next 4 years (and in reality, it’d probably go on much longer if the kid was coming home from uni for Christmas) makes it so much worse.

    It would be a hard no for me. Either you are his committed partner and thus included in his plans, or you’re not his partner. That would be my take on it.

18. Helllll to the no! As his current partner he should be prioritizinf including you in the holiday plans. If your comfortable with the exwife spending Christmas with you guys theb you can all do it together, it should t be the other way around. Plus the fact that you won’t have your kid for Christmas your partner should want you to be with them. I would be LIVID if my husband tried to pull something like this. He’s spent Christmas with his ex’s family. But my kids were with their dad and I joined at his ex’s family’s house.

19. This would be a dealbreaker for me. It’s great that he’s coparenting and getting along with his ex but why can’t he spend some time with you.

20. I could understand wanting to be on friendly terms with your ex for the child’s sake, but what they’re doing wouldn’t sit well with me. It seems a little inappropriate. Especially if you’re not invited, why would the ex not want to meet the woman that’s going to be around her son. Since this has been an issue your partner had faced before, then clearly, he has no intentions of changing. It’s better to walk away now OP.

21. Yeah let’s wait till his ex has a new partner and quickly end their tradition. He will be well surprised. NTA

22. So you aren’t allowed to attend, is that the plan? To two separate events? That doesn’t seem sustainable.

23. I would walk away too if you aren’t invited. Then having an intimate night together is absolutely inappropriate.

24. If he’s got kids then they’re going to come first. Many divorced couples I have known have done this for their young children. It’s been less than a year for you two. But you do have a choice whether this is something you can handle or not.

25. They’re family for life whether you’re on board or not, OP. Me personally? I’m not playing second fiddle to an ex wife…but it’s up to you.

26. I think it’s really nice that they are able to be so friendly with each other for the benefit of their child. However where you’re not included isn’t okay. But also you have been together only for a year and I’m assuming you don’t live with each other? I wouldn’t really want an early relationship in my family Xmas either to be honest but you could ask to be included.

    If you do live together or did live together in future what would they expect you to do? You obviously need these chats with him.

    I can understand from a first Xmas together perspective. If they aren’t ready to include you yet but not forever

27. Wait…. You’re not included at all? Or do you just mean you’ll never have a Christmas with just your partner? Because if you’re not included at all… Fuuuuuck that. My kids are 18 and 13, and I have always spent Christmas with my ex having drinks and watching the kids open/play with gifts. I would NEVER exclude my partner though. That’s super weird. Now that my oldest can drive both of them, I’m not going to be doing that anymore. But previously, I made it clear to my partner that I was only going because I was their ride and I didn’t want to do all the extra driving, so there was never any thought of playing house. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

28. We spend every holiday with my husbands ex but I am included. The line would be drawn if I were blocked out of the holiday.

    This is a serious conversation you need to have with him. It is unreasonable for him to leave you alone to spend time with his ex and child. They should at least include you.

29. My partner spending the next 5 Christmases minimum with their ex and I’m not allowed in?

    Nah find someone who wants to spend their intimate family days with you and not an ex.

30. I have to say, as a divorced person who is still friends with my ex, long-term plans like these, where people decide that they will “maintain this tradition until the child moves out,” are pretty unrealistic if either person plans to have a new relationship.

    At this point, I’m not sure how much your SO’s plan is really serving the child, or whether it’s your SO clinging to some familiar vestige of the past. And if the child (or the other parent) can’t handle having a new partner join the Christmas Eve tradition, then it’s definitely not about the family as it moves forward, but is about maintaining some connection to the past

    I think it’s great when people who divorce still want to be friends, but holidays like Christmas and Christmas Eve are when you should be spending time with the most important people in your life. If your SO is picking his ex-wife over you, rather than making an effort to change the tradition or integrate you into it, then he’s telling you where his priorities are

    (And to be clear, I’m saying that his priorities are with his ex-wife, and not simply with his child, because he could spend this time with his child and include you as well)

31. This is how they have celebrated the holidays. Good or bad, this is how they do it. Are you ok with that? It’s ok if you aren’t. But recognize this is something they have chosen to do. Are you ok with that? Are you ok with it for the next four years? In the span of a life, that’s not much, but it may negatively impact you.

    You two haven’t been dating a year, and it doesn’t sound like you two live together. Which seems to imply a specific level of commitment. I can certainly understand him being unwilling to end a Christmas traditions for a date as opposed to how he might if you two were committed for a lifetime).

    You have your kid, and you and your ex do it the way you do it. But they do it their way. Maybe the conversation isn’t “what are you going to do to change your life up for me this year”, but asking boyfriend how he sees this playing out next Christmas? Or the Christmas after that. Or is it too soon to ask that? If it is too soon, then it’s probably too soon to be asking him to change his traditions for you.

    Generally when kids are small, the parents spend time Christmas Eve putting the big gifts together. That time can be really special. Then being there when kiddo wakes up – that’s awesome too. Now that their child is older, there may not be as much bike assembly, but it can still be special.

32. I don’t blame you for bailing. It was a dealbreaker for me with a man that told me EVERY holiday was spent with his ex and son and his son was 19! He tried to play the “we are her only family in the area”, but I was just will not be spending my future holidays tiptoeing around that dysfunction.

33. How do you know that their son isn’t with them? Sure he wouldn’t be drinking but he’d be hanging out with them.

34. He either wants to build a life with you or he doesn’t, and this just screams to me that he doesn’t. You being completely forgotten about for Christmas Eve and Christmas is just insulting and his kid is no dummy, he knows they’re not together. If his kid knows you I see no reason not to include you too. If this is his line in the sand and you’re not comfortable with it, I absolutely would not fault you for breaking it off.

35. No way I’d put up with this. I’m worth more.

    So are you, OP.

36. Are you invited? If not, why?

37. Trust your gut instinct and put your own ambitions first.

    It’s time for you to walk away and either be happily single or start dating guys whose Christmas plans will not make you feel very uncomfortable.

    Good luck!

38. He basically flat out told you that you will never get to spend christmas with him ((do you really believe it’s going to stop when kid goes to uni? Cuz I’m doubting on that)) in favor of spending it with his ex. Idk, this just wouldn’t sit right with me. Idk if I could put up with it

39. Isn’t it more cruel to the kid to tease him with a happy combined family night and then the rest of the year it’s split parenting? Also surely he knows this is weird right? The kid I mean

40. This is ridiculously rigid. The son is 14, not 4.

    I think you probably need to deal with gone jealousy about the intimacy of their Christmas Eve plans and focus on what it is that YOU want from your partner. Advocating for yourself from a place of jealousy is not as strong as from a place of equal partnership and expressing your wants and needs.

    It doesn’t really matter if it’s intimate or weird. It matters that it doesn’t work for you – his partner – and it doesn’t seem that the son – who this is all meant to be about – has been asked what he wants either.

41. End the relationship you’re not compatible at all.

42. Wait so you aren’t allowed to be there?

43. If you aren’t welcome to be there too then this is 100% inappropriate.

44. Christmas is a special time for families and loved ones. The fact that he wants to spend the night before with his ex and not you just goes to show who he truly considers as family. It would be different if he invited you to join but him insisting it be just them 2 is sus. This is a serious thing that needs to be discussed and honestly for me would be too big of a red flag to just make peace with.

45. If you are not allowed its odd.

46. I love how these comments are acting like you’re some jealous gf who is trying to send her step son to boarding school and steal his inheritance. If you took a poll of every person you know, maybe one would agree. Everyone else on planet earth would be on your side and recognize how bizarre this is.

    Also, a lot of these comments are coming from people who have never had to actually deal with this. They use “it’s for the kids” as a bludgeon without acknowledging that there are lots of ways to demonstrate healthy relationship patterns and positive coparenting dynamics that don’t include anything like this. This isn’t even accomplishing what they’re hoping to accomplish since the child seems uncomfortable and including new partners would actually reinforce the family narrative they’re trying to push.

    You’re not wrong to feel the way you feel. The question is though, is this the hill you want to die on? Personally, I would end things. How can there be room for me to grow and build my own family traditions when I don’t have a seat at the table? It’s time to create new traditions and memories instead of being a guest or voyeur to your ex’s previous life.

47. INFO: are you invited to the Xmas eve drinks? If not, I can see why you’re taking issue with this

48. I think you could agree to this for the next 4 Christmases, and then they would say, “Well, son will be home from college, and we both want to spend time with him, so let’s keep doing this for another 4 years.” Then after he graduates, “Well, we’ve been doing this for years now, we don’t want to break tradition!”

    For them, there is no down side to continuing (it seems). The downside is all on you. Unless you are fine with this, you might be better off leaving now and creating your own fun traditions for yourself without any third wheels.

49. As everyone in this already touched to the topic that this is uncomfortable, I wont be saying it again, but you should definietly tell him how you feel. I believe that there could be no True relationship without connection and honesty. You should express how you feel about the sittuation with words that you both can understand, and contunie on with the results of the communication.