First off I don’t have a problem with my bf watching porn. There are only two things that I feel weird about so I wanted to have someone’s opinion. I personally think it’s weird to watch a specific person, I feel like the whole idea of being okay with porn in a relationship is acknowledging that sometimes we just need to tend to that primal nature of ours and obsessing over a specific person even in porn defers that. Now, we have had this discussion and I did tell him that and he said he agreed but when we were on his reddit THE NEXT DAY I saw a specific name from OF on his search bar and that annoyed me but I didn’t say anything about it. The second thing is genre, we have discussed this, and his porn preferences seem to be completely opposite to the kind of sex I’m into. Now he has never tried anything he knows I’m not into and is very respectful. But I like the idea of pleasing my partner and also if i feel like he doesn’t see me the way I like myself to be seen in bed it just doesn’t feel that great. It makes me feel like we both can be happier with more complementary people or that we both are missing out on stuff we’ve always wanted. Do you think I’m overthinking or is this something that is valid to feel effected by?
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I love how so many people on Reddit talk about porn like it’s a need. Those of us who are a little older and grew up without unrestricted access to porn still were able to masturbate just fine. Hell, I’m 49, and I can still get hard in a couple minutes just THINKING about vaginas. Porn is not a necessity.
How you feel is valid. You haven’t told him he can’t watch porn, you specifically discussed your boundaries, he agreed, and he broke that boundary anyway. If he can’t follow the most basic boundaries you’ve set in place, he doesn’t care about your feelings and he cares more about his own pleasure which is incredibly selfish. This is why I just don’t date guys who watch porn, it always causes too many problems and I cba with it. Even when you put boundaries in place with guys like that, they always manage to cross those boundaries anyway.
Pron isn’t a need. It’s a desire. Sex and nudity is just so freaking common in society that porn seems like it’s a fine option. Porn used to be just for people who couldn’t get paid or were creepy. Now it’s crazy commonplace.
As for your concerns, you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to. He most likely watches that stuff because it’s different from what he usually experiences in person. I agree, hunting for a specific person isn’t quite the same as just watching to get one out. It seems closer to emotional cheating than just watching porn.
There are so many porn things I love to watch that i’d never want to do with my partners.
Like, for some reason, I love watching BDSM but if a partner ever asked to act that out with me, I’d shoot that down. No way. I wanna watch porn stars do that stuff, I don’t ever actually want to do it. Maybe your BF is the same?
Not sure about the ‘watching a specific person” thing. That might bother me, but in the end its not like that porn star’s obtainable to him so idk. Maybe talk to him about why it bothers you.
So you’re ok with porn, but not if he watches a specific model or a specific genre more than once? Only different people every time, and not the kind of porn that he actually wants to watch? Only porn that shows the same type of sex you two have? Come on now. Just say you’re not ok with porn unless you get to choose it for him.
The purity brigade is going to have a lot to say here.
Anyway, yes you are overthinking.
Here’s an imperfect allegory. You make one hell of a meatloaf. You make meatloaf and when he eats it his tastebuds sing and he all but does cartwheels. Saturday comes around and you decide to eat out, and meatloaf is on the menu. $50 says he’s not ordering meatloaf.
Fuck now I want my wife’s meatloaf.
As for the specific star… I think it’s like any actor. I’ll watch anything with Kate Winslet in it because I love her as an actor. I’ll also click on anything Paige Steele is in because it’s always hot.
This sub is 90% about porn. Stop over thinking everything.
My girlfriend watches gang bangs and loves watching chicks get obliterated but she isn’t even interested in being part of a threesome with two dudes.
Porn is porn.
porn is ok. OF is not.
I do agree he shouldn’t have told you what you wanted to hear when he didn’t mean it, but I do think you are trying to use the word boundary to be controlling.
A boundary is something that effects You; at this time his masterbation does not and you are trying to create a fantasy where he is trying to coerce you into being his favorite porn actor to villainize his viewing.
You are over thinking this and need to have an adult conversation. Want/will/won’t list if you are concerned y’all are incompatible.
im a lesbian but still watch straight porn sometimes. it literally means nothing lol. i dont want a man just because i watch straight porn. 😂 it doesnt always reflect real life desires.
The thing is, you either are cool with porn or arent. Theres nothing wrong with having a porn boundary. But you have to understand that if you decide to be cool with porn you are opening the door for addiction-like behaviour (boyfriend having favorite pornstars, looking up porn and actresses on other social medias too, deep diving to porn and starting to get bored with “normal” sex and noticing you cant compete with a whole internet full of women).
So, i think you need to think more whether you really are okay with it or not. Its going to be hard micro-managing their porn-behaviour and its also not fair if you claim you dont mind and this seems like you are bothered by (i would be too)
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Ultimately everyone is going to have a different comfort level with porn, and that’s fine. People who are more comfortable with it will say you’re being unreasonable and people with a lower tolerance will say he’s being unreasonable. Nobody is wrong, porn isn’t some necessity and it also isn’t evil and indicative of your relationship.
What is important is that you’ve made your comfort level clear to him and he’s seemingly ignored it. If my wife told me she didn’t want me watching porn ever again, I wouldn’t. Granted I’d talk to her about it and figure out why she’s feeling that way, but if she established that as her boundary I would respect it because she’s way more important to me than porn is. That’s the issue that needs to be addressed. His porn use isn’t weird, and it probably has nothing to do with you, but watching porn he knows you wouldn’t be ok with is disrespectful and worth having a discussion about.
Porn is materialistic, and I agree that he shouldn’t be looking at specific people (not to mentioned in a prostitution website such as OF). This is going from materialistic to personal, which is now close to cheating.
I think your feelings are valid. A lot of people brought up good points, but you really won’t know till you speak with him. One point they didn’t bring up is while yes porn can be fantasy, half of the people watch it for fantasy and half watch it for what they really want. I watch certain things because my bf just isn’t as freaky as me he’s pretty vanilla and while sex is pretty great it’s not as fulfilling so I supplement. I know you said you aren’t into the things he does watch, so it could be he just likes the video or it’s something he really wants.
Everyone has an “Im ok with porn but”
You have to decide what you are into and willing to be into.
You don’t mention what it is he is watching that you don’t agree with. That would be a big part of this discussion.
Let’s look at your first issue, not watching the same person. Why not? I mean if it is an OF and you don’t like the interaction part of it, ok. There are certain models who I feel do things better. I watch movies with certain actors because they are more fun to watch. Are you saying that I should only watch 1 movie with Keanu?
Dudes that watch porn when they have a girlfriend suck. If you are sexing him down and he still watches porn then he really sucks. I was addicted to porn for a very long time. Loneliness and poor self esteem fueled my addiction. I finally broke free of it but it was very hard. Whenever I was dating someone or just fooling around I I never had no desire to look at porn because my wants and desires were being fulfilled in real life. I can’t speak for everyone but if you guys are having sex and he still obsessed with porn then he has major issues that probably won’t go away because he is likely not mature enough to address his problems and seek the way to make positive changes.
Dudes that watch porn when they have a girlfriend suck. If you are sexing him down and he still watches porn then he really sucks. I was addicted to porn for a very long time. Loneliness and poor self esteem fueled my addiction. I finally broke free of it but it was very hard. Whenever I was dating someone or just fooling around I I never had no desire to look at porn because my wants and desires were being fulfilled in real life. I can’t speak for everyone but if you guys are having sex and he still obsessed with porn then he has major issues that probably won’t go away because he is likely not mature enough to address his problems and seek the way to make positive changes.
So you’re ok with him watching it but only if you pick it for him is what I’m getting here. It’s also clear you need to express to him everything you’re saying here so you two can decide together whether or not you’re compatible because it doesn’t seem so really
For argument’s sake, what if you were a massive fan of some celebrity (say an actor or singer), and that made your boyfriend insecure? What if was uncomfortable with you googling a specific celebrity?
If he’s subscribing to, for instance, Jenna Jameson (showing my age here) porn because he’s a big fan, I wouldn’t really see that as being too far removed from being a big fan of a mainstream actor, singer or other celebrity.
Now OnlyFans (as well as Fansly and StripChat/xhamsterlive) can be a bit of a different situation, because they don’t just sell porn, they primarily sell *fake companionship*. The OnlyFans models making big money aren’t making it by posting porn for subscribers. They sell “custom content” (personal requests for photos, etc.) and pay assistants to respond to and carry on conversations with their subscribers.
What kind of OnlyFans model is he into? Is it a “celebrity” type who’s moved to that platform (e.g. Mia Khalifa or Marica Hase), or is it one of the women peddling fake companionship? If it’s the latter, it suggests the relationship isn’t healthy.
Sounds like you’re not ok with porn, and that’s perfectly ok. All these porn addicts on reddit are going to tell you that you’re overreacting. I wouldn’t let these people invalidate you. These days young women are basically forced to be OK with their romantic partner seeking sexual stimulation from everyone and anyone. It’s so fucking bizarre. Reverse the roles here, would your partner be cool with you seeking out a specific man over and over? You don’t have to put up with that if you’re uncomfortable. People gaslight themselves into thinking this shit is no big deal. For some that may be true, but under the patriarchy we are all pressured to be *cool girls* and accept this when a lot of us don’t *actually* feel OK with it. Pay attention to your body’s reaction, it will tell you the truth about what you what you are and are not comfortable with.
Does it help that’s it’s NOT his stepmother?
Probably?
Okay, I saw some comments here claiming you were not tolerant blahblah – fuck them, honestly.
I think you are not overthinking and your questions and feelings indeed are valid. First of all, you want a partner who tell you the truth on whether he has specific people he watches or not – seems easy, right? I don’t get why he would say this and then do that. If he at least told you the truth, you could decide whether you can accept it and move on or not.
I also believe that him watching people who are very different from you or watching the kind of sex you never have together is something you can address and ask him about. Often, guys watch porn because the more grotesque it is, the faster and easier it is for them to actually cum. It could be that they never want to do this in real life, no matter with whom. It could be they would find it disgusting and uncomfortable even. But, it could also be that there is the certain desire to try it out and they don’t feel confident enough to tell the other because it seems so grotesque and they would be afraid to be pushing you away.
So, unfortunately I am the straight forward person who addresses EVERYTHING because I believe that’s the only way to go in life (however, me and my life are not a very positive model to anyone), but I would maybe ask him again about the first point and see if he then tells you the truth. If not, present your evidence and try to be curious rather than judging him. Because we want to know what reason he has on 1. not being honest and 2. searching for specific people. If you know the reasons, you can better evaluate for yourself how you want to proceed which should always be your main goal: Decide what you think is best for you.
Regarding the second point, you can try different things. You can slowly just start trying to do some of the things you saw in his videos and see if he likes it or maybe even ask him if he does, or you can just have an open conversation about sex and talk about the things you like, share that a huge part of your pleasure is also doing something for the other, and see what he says.
And to one of your last questions: You are not overthinking when you wonder if you have to compromise on these things although it is just sex. I am honestly happy you ask yourself this question. You are young and it seems like you know yourself already, you know what you want and you are very understanding. So, I am proud of you.
At this point, you should just give him a list of links he’s allowed to watch..
Porn is a fantasy, and sometimes people watch stuff they’d never do or want to do in real life because it’s, you know, a fantasy?
As for a specific person, I have specifics because I know that the guy doesn’t do the kind of porn is dislike, for example, videos where the woman looks uncomfortable. Perhaps he likes that person because he has an idea of what he’s getting. I think you should try to chill out about it
as a female I kinda understand what you mean. My bf and I just had a discussion bc we agreed early in our relationship that porn was a no and don’t want each other watching it. My bf just opened up to me that he broke that boundary a handful of times and im upset he broke it and it leads me to think other things. But when I was asking the “whys” I did ask if he was looking up specific types of girls or something. Bc to me if he has a type, that makes me feel inadequate and insecure. Like if he likes tanned blonde girls (when im a pale goth girly) it was ruin my self esteem a lot and I’d withdrawal from sex completely. It’s a total mental thing and if you have insecurities it definitely stems from that. For me I would’ve broke up w my bf if he said he was watch a specific person or people and actively searching for it. That sounds unreasonable to most and to most men, but its something I don’t like due to my past. And I think that’s okay esp if you’ve established that as a boundary. And when it comes to things you like or he does, he might not be into it in the way he wants to do it with you? Like my bf admitted he likes certain vids bc its like degrading and that what turns him on but he can never and will never degrade me. He just loves me too much that that’s not something he can do. But when he’s watching it it’s different to him bc it’s just a random woman compared to someone he feels compassion towards. But it’s still confusing. I thought I liked degradation and I wish he’d do the things I like or what he likes when it comes to porn, but it just feels forced. I don’t get men but it really is one of those things that are just different that I think as women we cannot comprehend at all.
No break up. Hopefully he doesn’t settle for somone else who tries to dictate to a grown man what he can and can’t jerk it to…