I [30F] never really masturbated very much growing up. I lived with my parents until I was 28 so I was nervous about them finding out because they are pretty conservative/old school. Our home was crowded and the walls were thin so I was always just extremely nervous about them hearing me. And then I moved out to live with my now husband [30M] where I could just have sex whenever I wanted so I didn’t see the need to masturbate. So I just never really masturbated much… until recently.
I am currently on a business trip for 2 months. I’m in a monogamous relationship, so my husband bought me a vibrator to keep me company while I’m away. I’ve used one before and it was really overwhelming so I never used it again but this one is a thruster too and… omg it’s been absolutely amazing. I’ve been using it pretty much every day and I don’t think I’ve ever cum this intensely, and that concerns me.
I love my husband and I love having sex with him, I really do. He is open to anything and everything and he is very focused on my pleasure. I’ve always thought he’s made me cum because if he hasn’t then why else would I want to fuck him so bad all the time? But the orgasms I get from masturbating are so much more intense than whatever happens during sex that now I’m wondering if I’ve ever cum from sex at all. I feel like for the first time I’m experiencing the kind of orgasms they describe in the books… toes curling, eyelids fluttering, legs quivering…
So, now I’m having an existential crisis lol Have I seriously never cum before in my 8-year relationship? Why do I want my husband so bad if he’s truly never made me cum? Or is it normal for orgasms to feel different between sex and masturbation? I don’t know what our sex life is gonna be like when I go back home and I’m scared.
Edit to add some additional context: I am also currently in a state where recreational marijuana is legal so I’ve sometimes been smoking before bed (when I masturbate) because hey, why not, when in Rome right? I’ve had high sex before and I know it feels amazing, so I’m wondering if the intensity of my orgasms are also coupled with the fact that I’m sometimes high, too.
3 comments
Important: no one “makes you” come. Your orgasms, however you have them, are your own. Partners help but no one can produce an orgasm for you. If your husband was genuine in helping you orgasm then he wasn’t doing anything wrong or lesser. He didn’t “fail to make you come”. That’d be like someone else saying “why didn’t you come better yourself?” It’s not about *fault*, in other words. I’d really avoid that framing.
Instead, why not frame this in a positive light? You’ve discovered something new and exciting about your sexuality. Why not incorporate that into your sex life moving forward? Encourage your partner to be involved with the vibrator as part of it? Plenty of couples do that: they don’t treat sex toys as competition. They treat them as, well, toys or tools that enhance their sex lives and make them more fun and exciting. You don’t have to get existential about this.
People learn new things about their sexuality all the time. I’ve been sexually active for 30 years, monogamous with the same partner for 20+ and the quality of our sex life is as good as it’s ever been in our lives. Neither of us are concerned about how the other person comes; our focus is on making that experience as pleasurable as possible, by whatever means is needed. That’s part of what being “sex positive” is all about. Embrace the possibilities.
What do you think? What does logic suggest to you?
In reality, you’re not asking about intercourse and masturbation, you’re asking about orgasm purely through physical contact with your husband and with a sex aid. Big difference.
The sign of a truly confident man is that he doesn’t care if a sex aid helps you to orgasm as long as he continues to experience great sex with you. How threatened will your husband be by this? Do you know him well enough to know?
Think of what great sex you can have with him and the sex aid of choice? If he’s self-assured in the situation, what does it matter? My view is ‘toys’ can help me as much as it helps you and make my life easier.
The idea of possibly seeing you go wild in ecstasy, orgasm at the end of a vibe, sucker or whatever tickles my imagination no end. It is a fantasy many men have, a woman who is in even greater sexual throes than themselves. It’s a powerful, awesome phenomenon. Why should I object to that? But will he?
Sounds like you just need the vibrator to reach orgasm, which is totally fine!
Next time you have sex with your husband I’d suggest incorporating the vibrator. My wife uses one every time and her orgasms are incredibly intense. Much more intense than either when she masturbates with the vibrator without more or when we have sex without the vibrator.