My boyfriend (33m) and 1 (27f) have been dating for almost 3 months. one of the first things that drew me to him was how well he expressed his feelings and communicated with me. I really felt like we could work through anything. We had our first big fight and he completely switched personalities on me. It’s a bit of a complicated time line so l’ll my best to Keep it it simple
-Thursday night I found out that my weekend work trip was canceled so BF and I decided to chill instead at his place.
-over Saturday and Sunday his behavior was off to me. He never initiated intimacy, he wasn’t as physically or verbally affectionate as he usually is, he criticized my diet twice, and in general acted uninterested in me being there.
-we did have s*x and in the middle of one session he literally stopped abruptly, walked away for
a few minutes, came back and rushed me to get ready for a thing we were going to. Zero explanation.I almost started crying but I was kind of just shocked.
-near the end of our time together on Sunday I asked if we could do a relationship check in. We have done them before and it feels like a good way to see how each other are feeling in a non judgemental way.
-he said that he needed some time to think about it. This hurt but I still just thought that he had something bothering him and needed sometime to think about it.
-Sunday evening I sent him a text telling him that I was feeling good about our relationship and asked if he felt the same. My goal was to gently bring up the check in. Admittedly i could have been more direct.
-he responded that he also felt good. I really wanted to learn why he had acted so cold to me earlier so i asked if he had anything to check in about.
2 hours later
-His phone died and “nope alls good”.
– I know could have left it at that but I really felt like something was wrong and earlier he made it sound like he had more he wanted to say after
he thought about it.
-i asked if there was anything could I could do more of less of.
-2 hours later
-him “nope alls good, goodnight.”
-at this point my boyfriend had acted cold and distant towards me for 2 days, then avoided communicating about it for hours. He had never been like that before.
-I started to think he might be cheating or just not
interested in me anymore.
-admittedly when he texted
me good morning like everything was 0K I was kinda pissed. I had to work and so we couldn’t really talk until later on my lunch break. On that call he said a lot of things but the ones that stuck out to me were that maybe I was perceiving his behavior as weird because my weekend trip had been canceled 🤔 or I just have a lot of insecurities. He also never addressed any of
his behaviors and said that he didn’t want to have this conversation because he was relaxing..
-after work we talked again on the phone and he kept telling me that 1 pushed him into talking about it when he didn’t want to and that he isn’t responsible for my feeling. It was one of those fights that goes around and around. Once I clarified one point he would circle back and change what he said or tell me what I actually
ment on a different point. This went on for 2 hours.
-all I wanted was an explanation for his weird behavior over the weekend and to just acknowledge that his behavior and then lack of communication hurt me. Not saying that
he did any of that with malicious intent but just to show that he hears me and understands why I feel this way.
-2 hours of this and then he said he needed a 5 minute break from this call. When we got back he apologizedand said that he understands how I feel.
-l thanked him and told him I appreciate that. I then said that we need to work on our communication skills so this doesn’t happen
again and that we are in a kinda rough spot and there is a Thanksgiving dinner with my family in 3 days that is a bit stressful.
-he immediately blew up on me saying that
I obviously don’t care about his apology and I canceled Thanksgiving. And that I just want to keep this fight going no matter what.
-it ended with him saying that we need to take a breather if i want us to stay together.5 min later he sent me a meme.
AM I THE CRAZY ONE?
* TL;DR:* boyfriends behavior changed significantly for no reason and then avoided talking about it and started a fight.
17 comments
You’re only 3 months in. He doesnt have two personalities, he’s just showing you his real one for the first time.
Dr. Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Some people use their ability to communicate to solve misunderstandings and find solutions.
Others use it to avoid accountability and to gaslight you.
I’d strongly advise you think long and hard if this is something you want to continue pursuing, 3 months is still fresh and you could easily get out of it and move on without too much turmoil. Now seeing that he is now not taking accountability, I don’t feel this is a good predictor of how he will handle conflict in the future. Also, do you really deserve someone who insults you and your lifestyle choices so early on?? Gosh I wish someone had said this to me before I wasted 3 years with someone like this..it never got better. Best of luck.
He sounds exhausting.
Dump this dude, I don’t see how this gonna lead to happiness!
Honestly, this is what the beginning of an abusive relationship looks like. I remember the feeling of having such a great connection with someone, only for our first argument to be like this. It honestly never got better, only worse.
Whoa, this dude sounds wildly unstable. The stonewalling, the gaslighting, the hot and cold… where does one even start? This guy is a classic narcissist.
Start by thinking about what it is you’re willing to put up with, and if this isn’t it, reconsider what you want to do here. Personally, I wouldn’t be sticking around.
Kind of sounds like love bombing and then pulling away like how narcissists act./
Why are you still there?
He doesn’t have two personalities. The real him comes out from time to time when he can’t keep up the act/lie of being a great guy. You need to leave. Right now you’re doing “check ins” with him when you need to be checking in with yourself. Sit down and write out every situation where he has flipped and start to consider why you are working so hard to being ok with this.
tbh, I do think he’s cheating or you’re the side chick, but doesn’t matter the reason…
3 months and he’s acting like this? Move on… this can only get worse. You are not crazy but you would be by staying with him.
This is classic love bombing. Over compensation in the beginning, and then when he thinks you’re on the hook he shows you the real him. Break up with him asap.
If someone stopped in the middle of sex,* didn’t communicate about why, and thought everything was okay in the relationship, I’d be out of there.
*Stopping is fine–enthusiastic consent is everything. BUT. It’s the “why/what” that’s the issue here. There’s stopping because something hurts/you’re not feeling it/it hit a trauma trigger, and then there’s just “lol nope” and it really seems like your BF did the latter. He wasn’t interested in continuing, so he noped out without explanation. No bueno.
> there is a Thanksgiving dinner with my family in 3 days
I agree with the other comments, but this stood out to me. You’re not even dating 3 months and you’re already bringing him home to the family for a big holiday? To me that would be moving way too fast
Christ, it’s been 3 months. Break it off and stop wasting your time with his mental whiplash.