We have been together for about 5 years, lived together for 2.5 of those years. We have a loving relationship. We split all household chores evenly. Before he was fired we split all the bills evenly. I now cover all of our shared bills as he looks for work.
This year, we both had new roles. I’m doing pretty well in mine. He got fired from his and he’s pretty depressed.
It’s not just the job, he’s had a lot of bad luck that involves financial trouble, death of a friend, health issues, and stress from the job that he is now fired from. He has been looking for work for months now and he hasn’t been getting many bites.
I got a random message from a recruiter, and have been interviewing for a new role. I wasn’t looking for a new role, but it sounded interesting. I’m in the middle of the process, so no offers, but the interviews have been going well. If I get this role, it would be a large bump in salary.
I am hesitant about telling him that I’m interviewing. I don’t want him to feel bad or make him more depressed. I don’t think he would be mad towards me, but he has been incredibly depressed this year for good reasons.
I don’t want him to feel bad that this opportunity came out of nowhere while he struggles to get interviews. It feels really unfair to me. It hurts my heart to think about all that he has gone through. Should I tell him only if I get an offer? How can I tell him? I don’t want him to think I’m rubbing my success in his face.
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**tl;dr**
Depressed BF had a hard year, and is having a hard time finding work after being fired. I am interviewing for a new job without looking for one. Should I tell him? How can I tell him?
**Edit**
Thank you all for taking the time out of your life to respond. There have been mixed perspectives on this that I really appreciate. I am going to take some time and reflect on your responses. I can post an update in a few days or a week or so. have a good one.
10 comments
He should be happy for you. You’re living together and sharing your responsibilities. A better job for you is a better situation for both of you together. He might still be unhappy that he hasn’t found a job yet, but he should take this as good news.
INFO: Has there been a pattern in the past where something good happens to you and he feels like you’re rubbing it in his face?
Feeling bad in and of itself shouldn’t keep you from telling him. He can feel sad about his situation and happy for yours at the same time; it’s important that both of you acknowledge those conflicting feelings when you have the conversation.
If you’re seriously considering taking this role, it’s probably best to tell him early. Otherwise it might feel to him like you were doing it behind his back, which doesn’t seem to be your intention at all! Who knows, it might even bring him some relief to know that you’re open to taking higher paying roles, especially if your industry has a better job market at the moment.
You should tell him now (actually, IMO, you should have told him before your first interview).
Never dull your shine to make someone else feel better. It’s not a competition. He should be able to be happy for you.
I mean… true… you probably don’t want to go on and on about it in every other conversation… but you should be able to say “Hey – btw – this happened to me, I asked more info about it and they asked me to do some interviews. I’m not sure where it might go – but I’m pretty excited!”
Does he have a history of not reacting well to your good news?
A partner should be able to celebrate your wins even if they’re not winning. In saying that the approach would need to be quite thought out since you don’t want to hurt your partner if that’s what you think may happen. It could be prefaced before hand to him that you have good news, that way it sort of sways his reaction a bit. Be happy about it and talk about it before taking the job
A healthy adult can feel sad about their own job situation but still be happy for someone else who they love’s movement and/or success. Does he have a history of not being able to do this?
I suggest waiting until you actually have an offer. This is a win for you both so if he does take it as you rubbing your success in his face and not also celebrating your success despite his current misfortune, it will be time to reassess the relationship, OP.
I would’ve thought he’ll be happy for you. If you hide it from him he’ll feel stupid and like you think he’s the sort of person to be jealous.
Tell him today. He will only be more mad if he finds out you kept it from him.
Uhhh I imagine he loves you and you love him – behonest and also, tell him that you were reluctant because you didn’t want to( idk why you wouldn’t ) make him feel less than you??
I find where you’re coming from a little problematic, but ofc I only know based on this one post.
You bf is going through a hard time, yes, but because he loves you, he should also want to celebrate your wins. Maybe they can become his wins as you could coach him through your interview process, and it could help him out too. Payraise for you both is awesome, too.
I was let go from my tech job and was jobless this entire last year. It was very, very stressful. But, it is in its own way a blessing. You’re able to reflect and pivot, spend time in ways you never would before, and grow in ways you’d never thought possible.
I’m sorry to hear about your bf having a hard time, but some people have to go through it. As his partner, you just need to show up as your best version of yourself and also be there to listen when needed. Like someone else said, don’t dull your shine because you think it would harm your bf. Because you love each other, I can’t imagine him feeling that way. Unless you frame it that way!!?
If you really think he might not take it well dont say shit. The valuable part about a job is the money you get from it and the experience that you can leverage to get more money in your next job. The celebration is nice but tertiary.