Going to try and keep this as simple as possible but…
I’m 30/F partner is 29/M
I’m spending a lot of time out of town over the next month or so. I just got back from being gone for 10 days and I wanted to spend some time with my partner when we both had the Thanksgiving holiday off. we didn’t talk about making plans on this day specifically, but the first day that we both are free my partner decided to make plans with his friends. This made me feel disappointed and a little lonely but I chose not to say anything knowing that my partner would only get upset if I let him know that I was feeling that way.
He could tell that I was not feeling my normal self and asked me to share my feelings with him. I hesitated, because I knew that he would not be receptive to my feelings. He kept encouraging me to share with him, and even said things to try and make it seem like he was a safe space for me to share my feelings. I took the bait and told him that I wasn’t upset, but that I was feeling disappointed because I was hoping we could spend some time together on Thanksgiving day outside of being with his family. He instantly turned around and told me that my feelings were selfish, and that it wasn’t his fault that I had chosen to go out of town so much over the holidays. I never once asked him to not go hang out with his friends, or do what he wanted, because I do understand that it’s my decision to go out of town (my family lives very far away and I rarely see them). I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t asking him to change his plans. I was just feeling disappointed because I had hoped that things would go a different way. he got so upset at my feelings that he left the conversation and walked out of the room.
It seems to me that he just wants my feelings to be agreeable for his plans and his narrative… It doesn’t feel like there is any space, compassion, or room for understanding for my feelings. This type of scenario is pretty common between us. I haven’t asked him to do anything differently. I’ve just expressed the way some thing he has done has made me feel. Am I wrong to be telling him that I am disappointed and lonely? I feel so confused by the reaction after he asked me to share with him… Obviously, my feelings were not going to be positive and I guess I just don’t know what he was expecting.
This response to my feelings is not uncommon for him… And it’s also not uncommon for him to shut down the conversation and walk out of the room when we’re talking about some thing he doesn’t like. We’ve been together for three years and it still feels like we’re both kind of questioning the relationship. I really wonder if maybe I’m just looking for someone who is more interested in my feelings and spending time with me than he is. I also get the feeling that he may be using my upset feelings as a way to create friction between us and start a fight so that I don’t want to spend time with him and he can ultimately get what he wants which is spend time with his friends…Feeling confused. TIA.
2 comments
So he baits you and then gets angry at your response?😍 Sounds dreamy.
I understand why you both have questions, that doesn’t feel like a stable base to build off.
I think you’re not being completely fair. You have been the one gone and you didn’t express to him that you wanted to spend the day with him.
It’s not fair to have this expectation, not voice it, act disappointed that he didn’t meet your unknown expectation, and then say that he doesn’t understand your feelings.