I had to repost this since my first one got flagged:
My boyfriend (40m) and I (35f), have been together close to 6 years, had a really tough summer and broke up. I mean it was a horrendous breakup. We decided to try again under the pretenses we would do the work on ourselves to address our poor communication and relationship issues.
Well the couples therapist won’t see us anymore because he won’t see a private therapist. He has addiction issues and she doesn’t feel she can do the work on someone who could be triggered by tough therapy days without having the proper tools for their own needs.
Well he won’t see a private therapist. Says it won’t work for him, he doesn’t have any issues, it’s a money scam, he can do it himself, and I’m controlling pushing for it. Even goes so far to make some low blows on me seeing one and making changes in my life that he can recognize as healthy changes.
I’m not sure how to handle wanting to change patterns in our relationship when I’m the only one making changes. I just don’t want to be in that relationship again. I want us to grow together but I’m starting to think I might be the only one who wants that.
Has anyone been able to find solutions to this?
TL;DR: partner won’t keep promise to do therapy
9 comments
If your partner is not ready and willing to change, you cannot make them. Right now you have to decide what you can and will tolerate/support and act accordingly (stay in the relationship or leave).
Your partner lied to you. They are not prepared to do the work they promised to do in order to lure you back to the relationship.
And he’s a jerk to you about you actually fulfilling your promise. You’re doing what he refuses to do and then he shits on you for it.
Hard pass on this relationship. You gave him a second chance and he told you he has no intention of changing.
So if your choice is the old relationship or no relationship, which is preferable?
Do you know you deserve better?
Are you in principle prepared to leave if things don’t work out?
He’s not interested in changing or saving your relationship. He’ll waste your time until he gets bored. Respect yourself, and leave.
And next time you want to get together with someone after a breakup, make sure their issues are fixed first.
The solution is to gtfo.
You can’t fix this.
You can’t fix him.
I hope you make the right decision. Best of luck to you OP.
The solution is to gtfo.
You can’t fix this.
You can’t fix him.
I hope you make the right decision. Best of luck to you OP.
The solution is to gtfo.
You can’t fix this.
You can’t fix him.
I hope you make the right decision. Best of luck to you OP.
You re-entered the relationship with clear stipulations. In a way, it was a contract. By refusing to follow through on those conditions, he’s essentially nullified the relationship contract. Time to cut your losses. As someone who had to end an engagement with an alcoholic refusing to accept help myself, I can promise you that you’ll look back in a few years and marvel at how strong leaving makes you. Be brave and hold up the agreement. He won’t address his portion of the poor communication and relationship issues. That’s not fair and you shouldn’t keep wasting time with someone that even the therapist feels is currently beyond help. That’s a super damning count against him that I gotta beg you not to ignore.
My Q (thats what you call your alcoholic in AlAnon) is still exactly where his kids and I left him a decade ago. The rest of us have moved on, graduated, started careers and art businesses, and just overall thrived. While he just sits around doing the same old same old. Think about what you’d feel if you stick around and go no where with this guy because he’s always promising to work on it and failing. You don’t want that, babe. You’re smart and successful and you’re worth having a partner who matches your drive and ambition!