Fake names. Throwaway because my fiance is a big Reddit user.
My (27, f) fiance Eric (27, m) has a friend Jane (20s, f) who lives in Paris, France. She had moved by the time we were introducing each other to our friends, so we’ve only met over video chat.
Me and Eric have been together for a year and a half, and before we got together, he and Jane were involved. He told me it ended badly but they did get over it. I don’t know exactly what happened, I’ve never asked.
She is really important to him. They do talk once or twice a month over text or video chat and I know that they have a lot in common (I don’t know Jane’s situation but Eric’s parents were abusive and I’ve pieced together that Jane’s were as well). I’ve never gotten the impression that either one wants to go back to how it was and he’s never given me a reason to be insecure. Until now.
He asked me to marry him three weeks ago, and I said yes. I was really excited to marry him. But then suddenly a few days ago he announced that he needed to go visit family. Which was weird because he cut his family off several years ago. He has expressed to me that he has no interest in seeing them again. He said that it was an important family emergency, and then just left. He kept me updated and we talked a few times on the phone, he told me that his mom was having health issues. I had no reason to be suspicious. (Edit: I’m reading that over and it sounds weird but he’s always been very touchy when it comes to talking about his family and I didn’t want to push it.)
But then, a couple hours ago I get a message from Jane asking if Eric was okay. I said that he was visiting family, so he was probably just a bit stressed out which is why he wasn’t responding to her messages. She then informed me that he is in Paris, with her, and snuck a photo of him in her apartment. I haven’t replied to her yet. I’m freaking out. I have no idea what to do. He just got on a plane to fly for 12 hours to see her without telling me, presumably last minute. Why is he there? Do I talk to him? Has anyone else been in this kind of situation before?
TD;LR: my fiance secretly went to Paris to see his female friend. I didn’t find out until she told me.
26 comments
Did you ask her for more details on why she asked if he was okay?
Unfortunately he lied to you. He fabricated a story. He runs off to see her. Did he have second thoughts and wants to see if she still wants to try with him?
Did u guys post this anywhere? If so, maybe she saw and reached back out to him. One of those “don’t marry her, marry me!” feelings. I mean, 12 hour flight is crazy. And for her to ask you if he’s okay? Knowing full well he’s with her, not you? She knows what she’s doing.
I’d be calling him non-stop for an explanation. I would also be taking that ring off & finding out the truth.
Think about it, they’re exes. And he’s flown 12 hours to her? Do you really think nothing sexual will happen between them? And he LIED ABOUT IT. Run for the hills girl.
Info: why did she ask if he’s okay? He may be in the midst of a mental crisis of some sort? That’s concerning
Either way though this is not okay in any way shape or form. Put off any talk of marriage until this gets sorted out but nobody should blame you if you called it quits for this
Oh nah, this is an issue, I can’t imagine the panic you must be feeling.
First of all, Jane is with Eric, WHY would she message you asking if he was okay if he was right next to her? Girl, that’s weird, there’s no reason to ask that when he’s with her.
He lied, that’s all there really needs to be said here. What possible reason could he have to lie unless he was trying to hide something?
Just me, but I’d be shipping his things to Paris so he could live with her. No reason to lie to your fiancé when you’re planning on having a future with them. I don’t want to jump to cheating but….what other reason could he have to be there?
Send him the photo and ask him why he is in Paris?
I’m guessing he is visiting her for a final attempt at a relationship before he settles with you. To see if she is his love who got away. She knows this, and that js why she messaged you. If she was worried about him, he is literally with her so she could ask him.
Updateme!
Just keep talking to Jane and don’t say shit to him. If y’all live together use this time to figure out your future living situation. If you don’t live together then use this time to completely remove him from your life. A man that lies this easily to you isn’t one you should tie yourself to legally. That’s ignoring all the other flags that are waving about.
If she is messaging you to ask if hes ok, then she’s not ‘in’ on whatever feelings have driven him to visit her.
My reading of this is that hes still into her on some level and wanted to perhaps see if there was any reciprocal feelings.
If I were you, I’d rethink the relationship. This chap is not 100% sure that you are it. I am so sorry.
Why would you even be asking yourself all these questions. He’s obviously lying, he’s probably cheating… I would not marry a man who lies about this. This is a huge red flag 🚩 girl, move on. He’s not worth it.
Ask her why your fiance is there. He probably didnt tell her he’s engaged
Call him and act normally, ask him how his visit with family is going, let him dig the hole even deeper- and then send him the pic of him in her apartment. And break up.
OP is his second choice.
Does she know he proposed? Is he there in a last ditch effort to see if there’s anything to rekindle? Or do you think she was trying to rub it in your face that you didn’t know where he was?
Question is why did she text you asking if he was ok when he was with her the entire time.. maybe he told her about the engagement and is trying to cause problems.. won’t know until you talk to him.. he would be getting a message saying I know you’re in Paris.. if you want the relationship to continue call me now.. then leave it up to him..
Personally his stuff would be packed and engagement would be off…
Um what. I don’t think you and your fiance actually know each other that well at all…
So Eric flew all the way to Paris and didn’t tell you or Jane ahead of time? He just showed up and presumably hasn’t even told her why, so she reached out to you to check in? Is he asleep on the couch or something and she snuck a photo of him like what the fuck is going on? Did he need help from her, is he in crisis? Or just realize he loves her? I would call one or both of them at this point to get some answers
This is weird. Jane would not have texted you asking if he was okay if she was in on something with him. I mean, maybe *she* even knew he was coming to visit but then it did not all add up when he got there.
My guess is: cold feet about getting married. The question is, is he there to see Jane as a potential lover or as a friend/confidant? The former seems obvious but it just feels odd: why would he fly all the way to Paris and make up this whole story without a clear signal she was into him, which it sounds like she may not be.
Either way, this does not sound great for your future relationship. Just the fact he lied about something this big would be hard to imagine recovering from. The deceit really seals the deal in my mind, whatever his relationship is with Jane. I can’t imagine what he has to say that can redeem this.
Oh dear. I’d cancel the engagement. He’s not truly into you.
Whatever is going on, Jane clearly has no idea. Could your boyfriend be having some sort of mental health break? I mean, flying 12 hours to Paris to see his friend/ex with a flimsy cover story doesn’t even seem rational. Before you jump to conclusions you need to call him right away and ask him what the hell is going on. Or see if Jane can discretely text you some additional information about what’s he’s telling her, as of when she sent the picture he apparently hadn’t even explained why he showed up on her doorstep. It could be him trying to reconnect in desperation after proposing to you, but the whole thing is just really off somehow.
I would not marry him, if he can’t be honest with you, espeically with international travel, why would you ever trust him again?
I would just call him and tell him to find somewhere else to stay when he gets back because you know he is there with Jane, he lied to you about where and why he flew to another country and that our relationship is over.
He proposed then jumped on a plane to sort out his unrequited feelings whilst lying to you. Thank Jane for letting you know and make all the arrangements you need to separate your life from his- he is not the one. A liar like this doesn’t even deserve an explanation.
Welp, she is doing you a favor unintentionally. Get your things together while he is away.
Him being in love with his friend would be my first guess, but psychotic breakdown would be my second. (Maybe because I lurk in the unresolved mysteries subreddit and a lot of missing men in their 20s and 30s suddenly travel far from home before disappearing forever)
Does he have any history with mental illness? Flying somewhere 12 hours away spontaneously doesn’t sound healthy. Also, his friend asking you whether he’s ok when he’s with her is also concerning. If he’s not being responsive to you, try to ask her how his mental state is why she’s concerned about him. Also tell her the truth that you had no idea he was going to visit her.
Honestly that just doesn’t happen in a committed relationship. The bare minimum is that he would tell you where and what he is doing. Red flags all round, if he’s willing to lie and not tell you about this, just imagine what is coming.
Also, this is a very specific situation and I don’t think hiding the names would hide who this is.
Rom-Coms have something else to answer for.
I’ve found in these type of situations people lie because they were cheating or attempting to, or they lie to manipulate so they can avoid an uncomfortable conversation and get the outcome they want.
Either way, I don’t think it really matters why he went to see her – do you really want to create a life with someone who has either of those characteristics? The behaviour will repeat, not just this scenario but in other situations where he considers you a barrier to what he wants.
He asked you to marry him and then lied to you. Not a small lie. A big one.
A broken engagement is easier and faster than a divorce.
Hahaha oh yeah.
I wouldn’t be on Reddit. I’d be either packing my items or his depending on who’s place we were living at…
I would be gone when he got back. I wouldn’t ask, I wouldn’t fight, and I wouldn’t beg.
Or his stuff would be in a storage unit. I’d send him a text message “your stuff is in rental unit #*** and your keys are at so and sos. I’m blocking your number now. ”
If this isn’t the biggest red flag from a fiance, I’m not sure what else is.
He is telling you so much right now. Listen to him. Actions speak louder than words.