My (25F, Asian) boyfriend (31M, white) of 6 months have been asking me to wear a qipao (traditional Chinese dress) during sex for weeks. He said it has been a fantasy of his for a while. Now I know everyone has different fantasies and I never judge, and personally I don’t really have a problem doing it for him, but I just can’t help but think if he sees me as a fetish because of my race. I feel like if I ask him directly he will just deny it or he may get defensive, which doesn’t go anywhere. I think we have a healthy relationship and our sex life is amazing otherwise. Does anyone have similar experience in this or have any insight? Much appreciated!
26 comments
Definitely sounds like fetishization to me, & I’m not one to throw that term around lightly. I’m not Asian (I am a POC though), but I would be extremely uncomfortable with this, & with *him* for asking.
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Ok so, there is something about this style of dress, not just Qipao’s but any dress that draws attention to a girls figure, especially her legs. Even better if she’s going commando underneath and is willing to tease a little.
I’d adore seeing my other half in that style of dress, because I love her legs.
Maybe your boyfriend is similar to me and just likes legs and butts, wants to see you in a dress that shows them off? Ask him if it’s specifically the Qipao, or if other elegant dresses will do and just wants you to be the picture of elegance and perfection to the outside world, but in secret know you’re an absolute minx?
If it’s the former, it’s probably fetishizing it/you. If it’s the latter then you have a workable solution if he’s alright with it. Dress up like you’re going out to the posh of posh restaurants, make up etc. and put on a stunning dress that you don’t mind might get a touch dirty for obvious reasons.
If you feel uncomfortable with the request (or any sexual request, race related or not), that’s something worth discussing – maybe don’t immediately say it feels like fetishization (as you said, this could lead to defensiveness), but express your feelings about this request and allow him space to explain why he desires this addition to your sex life. From an outside perspective, more context is needed for any advice other than just have a conversation with your partner about feelings and boundaries!
Fellow Asian gal here.
I totally get where this line of thinking comes from. I dated a guy once who ended up telling me that the only reason he went out with me was because he liked Asian girls. It really wasn’t about *me* which absolutely sucked. So this uncomfy feeling of being fetishized is valid because it does happen.
However, if your relationship is real, and your affection for each other is built on more solid ground, then maybe you being Asian is just a bonus for him? Like how some people like blondes, or big butts or whatever, but they don’t necessarily only date within those parameters.
Try to have a chat with him. If raceplay isn’t your kink then let him know it makes you uncomfy, and in all likelihood he’ll respect that.
I feel qualified to talk about this as I’m a half Asian woman (Asian mom white dad). This would fall into fetishization to me. Especially in WM/AF relationships, the long history of exoticism of Asian women, etc. And a lot of people say, well if you ask Chinese people in China, they don’t care! Sure, because they don’t face anti-Asian racism in China because they’re the racial majority. It’s not the same for Asians in the west- we have a complex history with racism and fetishization.
It’s my personal boundary that I wouldn’t wear my cultural dress during sex. Up to you if you would do it, but it seems gross to me. I might wear a cosplay or something during sex, but not my hanbok. It’s not a costume.
Also, it’s a red flag if you as a racial minority approach your white boyfriend about a seemingly biased/insensitive/racist behavior and he’s immediately defensive and upset. Ideally he should hear you out and try to understand your concern so you can talk it out together. If you’re in an interracial relationship, having open discussions and being receptive to feedback is crucial.
You also seem uncomfortable that he has repeatedly asked you. I recommend deciding yes or no to his request and setting your boundary.
Can someone explain to me what exactly is wrong with fetishes? I mean, if someone likes my feet, my height, my race, my dimples, or whatever, why would I take an issue with that? Honest question.
Context and motivation means a lot.
For instance, if you have worn the qipao in other social settings he might think it looks extremely sexy on you. There may also be a taboo around having sex in formal wear. I myself enjoy ravishing a partner when they wear a cute or sexy formal dress. I think it’s a pretty common desire for men.
On the other hand, if this isn’t something you’ve really worn then I would start to get sus about the motivations.
I would look at open-ended questions like: What do you like about me wearing the qipao during sex? What are the things you like about me? Etc.
It’s okay to have these feelings, but I would look inside to what the source of the concern is.
I just want to say if my partner kept bringing up me being a poc during sex and then ask me to wear clothing during sex to accentuate that, I would dump his ass. I’m sorry that’s gross. It’s one thing if he said ‘I think you would be so hot in this outfit and I’d like for you to wear one sometime’ but he keeps bringing it up and specifically want it during sexy time AND he brings up the fact that you’re Asian when you’re having sex.
I would ask him point blank if he is into race play or something cause it was enough that he brought it up once but to keep asking? He is a crossing a line.
I’m Chinese American and I would feel like this is fetishization too
And for the people not understand why this is a problem. He’s sexualizing something with cultural significance.
And he is racially fetishizing you. and if it’s something your ok with than do what you want but if it makes you uncomfortable than you should vocalize how you feel
I think it’s both, he has a thing for asian girls but he’s also very much into you. Didn’t know what a Qipao was until just now but I can see why he would like it very much. I know it sounds cliche but I guess it would also be weird to ask your girlfriend to weak a qipao if she was white.
I wouldn’t take this too seriously though. It’s just a very pretty piece of clothing, and men like to see their girlfriends pretty and sexy. He has a soft spot for asian style clothing, that’s it. If you don’t feel comfortable because you think he’s projecting, just don’t wear one. But remember some people like disguised sex as well, it’s not very surprising.
Time to get him a colonial judges wig.
I’m Chinese and I grew up in a very traditional Chinese family. I would love my wife to wear a hot ass qipao while we have sex. I actually find it really hot. You dont have to do anything if you’re uncomfortable with it but if you don’t actually have an issue with it and it’s adding to both of your sex life then I don’t see the issue there. Could be a case of overthinking it maybe?
Not to minimize the issue, but I read that fast as he wanted you to wear a GoPro during sex. I thought, whoa, that’s kind of narcissistic, but as long as everyone consents.
OP, I think you are overthinking this.
There is a difference between him fetishizing you and him thinking an outfit or attire is hot. Just because you find an attire of any culture sexy doesn’t mean that you are fetishizing that race. Fetishizing means that the only value you see is their ability to grant you sexual gratification.
Do you think that the *only* reason why your bf is with you is because you are Asian? Then it’s fetishizing. If not, it’s not. That’s basically it.
Are you comfortable with it? Then go have fun. If not, tell him to let it go.
Many comments here are making this too complicated.
I would say you’re making a fair assumption wondering if it’s a fetish thing. I’ve experienced the reverse as a white woman dating men who were not white referring to me as “leche” 🤢 or telling me they only date white girls. I got a similar ick, and those relationships never worked out for me, I decided to end things. I’d tell him straight up that him asking you to wear the qipao was weird, that it made you uncomfortable, and that you’d like him to think more before making requests like that, because they make you feel like he’s fetishizing your race/culture. If he doesn’t care when you bring it up or acts dumbfounded by your response, I think you have your answer.
I’m a Chinese wasian but I can spot Asian fetishes a mile off cos they ask me to do shit like that or wear chopsticks in my hair. You’re being fetishised
Asian woman here, has he done any of your fetishes?
And possibly unrelated question, does he ONLY date Asian women? I can understand a sexy outfit + sexy lady, but there’s also the risk he’s just a creep with yellow fever.
I would have an in-depth conversation about fetishization. I’d also add into the context his past dating history as well- is he only someone who dates Asian women? 👀
If you don’t comfortable even asking him because he might get defensive, I feel like that might be a signal in and of itself
I have a half Asian child. She gets fetishized a lot. It’s her hard boundary. She will not date guys who “have always been into Asian women”, she is fine if a bf wants to learn about her culture but she kicks them to the curb the minute it’s obvious they’re objectifying or fetishizing her.
She would not continue to date a guy who is obviously engaging in race play.
I don’t understand how someone could read your post and not know that is exactly what is happening.
i am an asian woman who is also a part of the bdsm and kink scene. your boyfriend has a race play fetish. its pretty common amongst white men. he can both care about you AND also fetishize you.
race play is a big deal. i don’t judge people who do it, but i do think people need to be very selective who they engage in this play with. i would NEVER EVER let a man race play with me if he did not understand asian racism/asian woman racism/and racist power dynamics that have damaged asian women over history.
he should be able to tell you why fetishization has historically brought violence to asian women and he needs to understand how real that is. he needs to understand the part he plays as a white man in all of this. please, do not let him have the gift of race play if he can not say, in his own words, the struggles of asian women.
there’s many asian women who are into race play with white men, so who know maybe you’ll unlock something within yourself. i personally am not and am disgusted by anyone who asks. i believe only poc should ask for it and never white people (personal opinion).
in the end it is up to you and what you are comfortable with. realize that this is a fetish. and he better have a plan of giving you amazing aftercare because this is considered heavy psychological play in kink world and it should not be taken lightly. the risk is this causing you psychological trauma. he NEEDS to know and understand what the fuck he’s doing.
edit to add: you also need to understand your own boundaries and stand firm in them. take a piece of paper and write down what racial comments you are okay with, and which ones are not. have it in clear writing for both you and him to read. there’s a big difference between “you’re so sexy in your qipao” vs “your ch*nk cunt belongs to me.” is he allowed to use slurs? can he comment on your asian features and culture? can he only find you sexy in a qipao but you don’t want him to bring up your asian-ness? can he act like a white savior who just conquered his foreign asian submissive bride? all good questions to ask yourself. if he pushes you on ANY of your boundaries…then 🚩
If the dude has samurai swords hanging on his wall and he’s dating a Japanese girl well, 2+2=4
ewww this is disgusting. Coming from another fellow Asian woman, avoid men that are into race play.
He wants his younger Asian girlfriend to wear an Asian dress because it’s part of a fantasy he has that he did not say only started with you.
That’s the issue I have. Obviously this is a fantasy that predates the 6 months you have been together. The request is oddly specific.
I would say no and if he keeps bringing it up or gets aggressive or manipulative, dump him. Unfortunately in life you learn some people who seem great are just very good at hiding their demons.
Does his true character show that he loves or cares about u? You should def be able to feel if he wants you for fantasy or for real.